This Corrosion

So I'm back to update you on the extensive works being lavished on our DS, or should I say the most oxidised car since an original Austin Metro turned one year old. I quite liked the allusion to a rust-themed song in my last article so I've done it again with another favourite of mine.  

This time it's a track from the 1987 album Floodland by Gothic rock band The Sisters of Mercy. When Andrew Eldritch, the lead singer, with his distinctive baritone croons: 'Hey now, hey now now, sing this corrosion to me', from now on the only image I'll ever see in my mind's eye is my DS sitting, dismantled and corroded, in the workshop at Graham Morton Vehicle Services in Holmbridge. And there will always be an ominous shiver down my spine as the image fades.

As holy as the Titanic

So where are we? Well, it's not getting any better I'm afraid. Whilst the D is getting the long-overdue attention it needs there is, of course, the ever-mounting sting in the financial tail that I won't embarrass you, or myself, by saying what that's amounting to. Suffice to say, the DS is taking full advantage of this spa-like pampering.  Let us list what treatments she's had thus far:

•    A new clutch assembly. The old one was down to the rivets - we have had our money's worth there!

•    A new accumulator sphere to restore fully its trademark soft ride.

•    Fully functioning water pump. The former was leaking like a proverbial sieve.

•    New front brake and parking pads - done whilst access was available.

•    Replacement bottom hoses, again, prudent to have done in the circumstances.

•    A full set of drive belts the old ones showing plenty of age related trauma.

•    Rebuilt B and C pillars, rear gutters, boot aperture, sills and bumper mounts.

•    A reconditioned front left wing with new directional light pods (left and right).

•    A totally replaced roof rail, the former was totally (and utterly) 'shot'. With holes ‘like those on the Titanic’ it was said.

•    A repainted roof panel with new internal headlining to make it all lovely inside too.

•    A replacement steering wheel/column instead of the sun-damaged, baggy one that we'd lived with for too long.

•    A liberal treatment with rust converter of all the bits that have non-terminal surface corrosion.

•    Finally, to finish it all off, a refreshing, massage treatment to the D's most intimate places with an unctuous coating of the finest Waxoyl.

We're also getting some cosmetic work done on the wiring loom and, if possible, installing a hazard light circuit. It seems a good addition to a car that, even after such extensive works, may still 'fail to proceed' in an inconvenient place for any reason it thinks appropriate.

Phew! When you think a lot of that work is welding and panel reconstruction the car, when complete, should be considerably safer and much more solid.  It makes me shudder to think how poorly the D would have performed in its former state if we'd got into 'trouble'.

Is that what metal looks like? Really? Wow!

Even when all that's done and the car is reconstructed most will wonder where the work has occurred given that on first impressions it won't look much different. All the newly shaped metal will be covered up never to be seen again until the time the D feels the time is right to once more reveal its underparts to the horror of, perhaps, a new owner.

When you think I could have simply had the bodywork fettled and then professionally painted. Although it would look a 'million dollars', lurking underneath the true horrors of an ageing DS would have lain hidden waiting to give many unpleasant problems going forwards. The very issues we're dealing with right now.

I hope all will agree this is the best approach, if eye-wateringly scary. The strategy is to get the D's foundation garments firmly in place before putting on the 'jewellery' later. That way she can be transformed from a lowly Cinders into the belle of the ball with everything just as it should be.

So much new metal - just soooo much...

Some might ask why now? Well, one of the main objectives of getting the work done, apart from the small issue of converting the car from a death trap to something more life enhancing, was that it would (safely) transport us to the International Citroen Car Club Rally (ICCCR) being held in the Middachten Estate in Holland this coming August.

Half-way there..

We went to the 2012 ICCCR in Harrogate and had a great time so we're looking forward to it. Having a robust D to get us there is of high importance to our enjoyment. However, factoring in the costs of getting the car ready, it's one of the most expensive holidays we've ever had. So far, we’re on schedule to meet that goal but will be limiting the amount of spending money we take on our break. Can’t think why!

So, to conclude, we still own a DS, arguably more than we did before it went away to be put right. Alternatively, I should say: we own less corrosion and more metal now. I'll update on the finalised work in the next blog perhaps, and hopefully also about a successful and trouble-free journey to the ICCCR.

Rust Never Sleeps

Neil Young fans will recognise the title of this blog: it's the name of one his many excellent albums. One of my favourites in fact. It's also a line from one of the best songs from the record: My My Hey Hey. I just love the main guitar riff. It sounds like the satisfying growl of an angle grinder noisily chewing it's way through a rusty manhole cover. I thought it an apt way to start to an article in which there is going to be much talk of rust (and possibly angle grinders).

So with that in mind I thought I'd share the emerging story of the potentially financially ruinous decision we made recently. That of finally getting our 1973 DS 20/5 renovated. Those of you who have taken this step with your wear-worn classic will know this can be a process characterised by exhilarating highs and shocking lows.  As I write, I'm in the latter category. When Neil Young sings that 'rust never sleeps' he's bang on the money but the oxidisation you're about to encounter is of the wide-awake, hopped-up-on-super-strength-Red-Bull variety. You have been warned...

Looks good doesn't she (from a distance)

The reputation of the DS as being a rust bucket is well known. Legendary in fact. The build-quality of old school Citroens was far from good. No matter how much innovation the Citroen engineers designed into their cars, it simply did not feed through into the construction and longevity of the final products which is a disappointing paradox. To be fair, I was aware of this when I bought our D eight or so years ago but with its South African heritage I'd hoped this wouldn't be as great an issue. It was a forlorn hope I'm afraid.

You see, like an ageing French Madame, the DS hides it's imperfections very well. Even the most pukka looking D, with good paint and solid mechanicals, can be hiding some eye-opening surprises when she coyly lifts her skirts to reveal the fundaments that lie beneath. When covers are removed, trim detached and seals are pried away the concealed evidence of the advancing years are insouciantly laid bare.  And the D just looks innocently back at you and bats its eyelashes as if to say: 'well what did you expect?'

Voila le corrosion

Therefore, as our D was towed off to Graham Morton Vehicle Services in Holmbridge I knew that a roller coaster ride of emotions, financial calculations and budget-stretching decision-making lay ahead. It would be a constant battle between the penny pinching of the rational head and the pleadings of the emotional heart.

To be fair, I wasn't totally ignorant of our D's issues.  The rotten roof rail needs extensive repair to stop it leaking on my leg on rainy days. The paint on the fibreglass roof is pitted and crazed and the inner headlining has extensive foxing from winter condensation.  The clutch is paper-thin and pressure plate replacement on a DS is a BIG job necessitating removal of the engine. It's also prudent to upgrade brake pads and other hoses when the clutch is changed whilst good access is available. Add to that the flaky door seals and the bases of the a b and c pillars which are all in a bad way and the bill is never going to be modest.

C Pillar and back shelf - C meaning corrosion

That's quite a list I'm sure you'll agree. However, with my eyes fully open, I knew it would inevitably expand a bit.  The plan was to get the car structurally sound - nice and solid underneath - and deal with the bubbling exterior paint in the future once we'd recovered from these necessary foundational expenses. What transpired was a little more than I had hoped for. 

Examine the photos and you can see the rear sections of the car are as 'rotten as a peach' as the saying goes. The C pillars and rear shelf including seat belt mountings are a symphony of oxidisation, holier than the Pope's colander no less. 'The worst I've seen but don't panic' said Graham Morton as brightly as he could. 'Oh' I said, rather less enthusiastically. 

The passenger side wing disintegrated on removal and was declared beyond economic repair. And in a battle between a probing screwdriver and the left-side sill, the latter lost at every thrust. The water pump had signs of leaking coolant around its seals signalling imminent failure and the rear bumper mounts wilted under relatively little pressure.

Bumper Mounting and boot aperture. Suitable only for rust transport

It was a distressing litany of corrosion, mechanical issues, cost and my ever-increasing alarm at how unsound the car actually is. One small issue was a badly melted wire in the core loom due to some previously botched repairs and a weak earth.  It could have easily caused a fire resulting in the total loss of the car.  By this stage, a fire actually seemed the very best option where the evidence of the car's issues would be resolved by the sorry, but infinitely cheaper, spectacle of a blackened car chassis sitting on a roadside somewhere.

So there you have it. A tale of woe and no mistake.  How will this sorry saga resolve? Will the DS20/5 live to fight another day? Has it already been sold cheaply, towed away to be scavenged for parts?  Maybe there will be a follow up blog with better news or merely an obituary for another classic that has finally broken its exasperated owner.  We shall see...

Good Luck From Beijing

As I write this blog, we are a few days into our taste of China tour and we are aboard a Bullet Train travelling from Beijing on our way to Xi'an our second destination.  Given I've not got a great deal to do for the next few hours I thought I'd give my assessment of the cars and driving conditions etc. that we encountered whilst in China's capital. 

Beijing Bullet Train

The fact I'm writing this on a vehicle travelling at 298 km/hour seems apt and entirely juxtaposed to some of the remarkable, if more basic, ways of getting around we've seen. 

Let's talk about the mainstream cars first. Modern Beijing has many good quality cars. Too many in fact which help to create the dense smog and traffic jams the city is known for. Although car ownership is a powerful symbol of success, the harm it's reaping is something they should seriously consider and try to remedy.

Most cars are Asian brands such as Mitsubishi, Kia, Honda and Nissan as you might expect. There are quite a few VWs, Fords and some Buicks too, which is a make we don't see that much in the UK. Most are familiar models but have different names.  A Nissan Micra for example is a 'March' and a VW Passat is a 'Magotan'.

There are some Chinese-made cars with names you can't read or have just a model number. In some cases, you can actually discern the car they've ripped off to make their version.

One exception here is the almost ubiquitous VW Santana used widely as a taxi in the major cities.I wondered what this is called in the west and it turned out there's no equivalent. They are in fact the outcome of a joint initiative between the Chinese government and Volkswagen to develop a VW badged car that is made and used exclusively in China.

When we first arrived and were picked up from Beijing airport our driver joined well-made motorways and roads that were congested but very orderly with discernible rules that everyone seemed to play by. I was therefore optimistic of easy, carefree travel. 

Unfortunately, once you leave the major roads the driving degenerates into something much more free form.  Other vehicles soon join the mix: buses, scooters, electric bikes, bizarre three-wheelers and strange micro-cars. All come together in a beeping, shouting mélange especially at major intersections where everyone, including pedestrians who causally wander into the traffic, all jockey for position. Admittedly, there is a vague respect for traffic lights but I think it's more a courtesy than a hard and fast legal thing. 

Electric Microcar

Let's talk about some of the weirder cars.  The ones you'll see everywhere are like three-wheeled 'filing cabinets'. Very basic vehicles, with unpainted slab-sided aluminium panels and based on a motorcycle drive train. Originally issued as vehicles for the disabled, the owners worked out with some modification they could also work as unofficial local taxis. Apparently, they're illegal but tolerated as they offer disadvantaged people a chance to earn some money. Suffice to say they are also death traps of the most efficient kind.  Utterly unstable, offering no protection in collisions and the only guarantee you get with them is high likelihood of serious injury or death.

Filing Cabinet?

We saw many versions of this conveyance, some more modern than others, but all a throwback to a China when these would have been the equivalent of the eastern European Trabant for example: a cheap to make people's car that doesn't really like people.

They do seem to like trikes here. Maybe the cost savings of no fourth wheel made for better use of state funds.  We have seen many three-wheelers of varying size and configuration: making deliveries, carrying people or doing building and agricultural works all with perfectly acceptable efficiency it appeared.

Bizarre Trike

Many of the smaller vehicles are electrically powered.  Indeed, some of the ubiquitous road users were on electric scooters and trikes.  I suspect this is encouraged because of the prodigious problems Beijing has with smog and, to be fair, they did look like a pretty good way to get around the urban environment.

Unfortunately, none of this is helping.  Beijing is gridlocked on most days, choking in its own emissions and as the country prospers and more cars are introduced it will get worse, much worse.

In fact, if you want to come to Beijing and enjoy the tourism my advice would be to do it soon.  A few years down the line, you'll be lucky to get to the Great Wall from down-town Beijing let alone get to climb up it. If you can see it that is.

Industrial Three-Wheeler

Yet here I am sitting on one of the most advanced and speediest passenger trains on the planet. The ride is smooth, it's running exactly to time and it's going really fast. It's just as good as anything a western economy can produce and much cheaper. This six-hour journey in the first class carriage of a super-advanced train costs just £97.00. Let's get Richard Branson on the phone and see what he's got to say about that.

China really is a land of contrasts and, despite some dubious aspects to their culture, their dodgy vehicles or their ropey driving; I hope you'll think about visiting sometime soon.

You can read more of our adventures in China at: 

http://www.travelpod.com/members/boesabroad

True Romance?

With Valentine's Day in the offing I thought it an appropriate time to wax lyrical on the subject of love. It's a strange and undefinable thing isn't it? It's been mused over by philosophers, artists and scientists since time immemorial. It's that mixture of hormonal and sensory stimuli that marks out those people or possessions in our lives for which we'd do irrational, extraordinary or even stupid things. Actions that would, ordinarily, be totally out of character. How many florid poems have been written, lachrymose songs composed or flattering portraits painted on this most ethereal of themes? Too many to count I'd wager and not all of them good. And around Valentine's Day, even for the staunchly unromantic, love still somehow induces you buy your better half an expensive card and a box of gooey chocolates even if it is because the people at Clinton's Cards have guilt-tripped you into it.

You could argue that the same irrational process applies to the purchase and subsequent care of a classic car.  Think back. Did your induction into classic ownership start with an aching yearn for the car you eventually came to own? Perhaps there were happy memories of prior ownership or of distantly remembered road trips in the long-since rusted away family car. Alternatively, it was possibly a long remembered ride in the company car of a friend or neighbour. A gleaming motor complete with that new-car-smell that you really admired. Maybe it was simply a car you always wanted from a magazine or your favourite TV show, an exciting vehicle that at the time was just out of reach because circumstances or cash prevented you from having it. All are routes to the eventual purchase of that very same machine years later especially when it's been redefined as a 'classic'. In the run up to that moment, when you finally hand over your cash, I'll bet that every time you saw someone driving your desired car the empty feeling of not owning it grew, and the burning desire to one day drive your very own, flared just that little bit hotter. Sounds a lot like love to me.

So, eventually, the happy day arrives and you buy your car, even before the cheque's cleared and the money's gone, the relationship is well underway. And it couldn't be more perfect, a lifelong ambition achieved. Such joy fills your heart made even sweeter as you see others pointing with admiration whilst you smugly drive around in your new classic amore. Just like having a stunning supermodel on your arm as you nonchalantly stroll into your local. Nothing is too much trouble as you regularly polish, preen and vacuum your four-wheeled significant-other ensuring every alluring curve of its exquisite body has felt your loving caress. Oil and fluid levels are minutely checked so that 'she' or 'he' doesn't get thirsty and you top up low readings as if toasting your union with the finest vintage champagne. Pretty soon you'll be splashing your money on expensive unguents, creams and lotions to buff and moisturise every inch of your car's form to an eye-blistering shine. It's never seems too much trouble to nourish leather seats and polish strips of walnut before hanging a small, tree-like air freshener from your rear view mirror just like a pungent vessel of the finest Chanel No 5. It's all just so, well, lovely. You fallen 'big time' in love and everyone, and I mean everyone, will know. By now, if you're really smitten, you may have gone to the trouble of giving your car an affectionate nickname. You've got it bad!

But does love last? Anyone who's ever had a broken heart will disagree. Lost or unrequited love is part of life's rich pageant isn't it? We love, then lose, maybe quite a few times, until we find 'The One'. Perhaps it's a little different with classic car ownership where several long-term relationships, interspersed with a cheeky one night stand or two, doesn't quite work. If you've chosen well, your car should offer a less mercurial relationship history. But that happy union will also undoubtedly confirm the veracity of the term: 'for richer or poorer' which might have been specially written for this very situation.  As we all know our cars, as time passes, will test the partnership; sometimes to breaking point. There's a significant strain on our emotions that can be caused by a petulant classic that does all it can to show its ingratitude for your attention mainly by presenting you with a succession of large bills, restoration costs, breakdowns and lumpy running. It will refuse to start when that's all what you really want. Bits will fall off - expensive bits - just when funds have hit an all-time low. To paraphrase the Bard: love's labours are often lost and he didn't know what a car was!

Sadly as we all know there's many an automotive romance that has foundered on the sharp coastal rocks of money, divorce, or expanding families. In many cases it'll be just plain old exasperation when the finalist of final straws has broken, emotionally and/or financially, the back of the once-smitten owner. Pretty soon it's agreed the pairing can no longer continue at least with both parties remaining happy and functional. I for one have been 'there' but as I write I'm still in the game - just!

The lesson we might draw here is, like our closest human relationships, that we have to choose carefully (or at least knowingly), accept the foibles and proclivities of our partners (and classics) and keep a sense of perspective and humour. If you can do that then there's no reason why your classic car romance can't last a good long time. In sickness and in health as it were. So whether it's with a tired but legal rolling resto' or a showroom quality beauty love can endure as I’m sure many of you will testify. I'll conclude by saying whatever you're planning to celebrate Valentine's Day, I hope it's as magical and lovey-dovey as you'd like it to be and obviously includes spending some romantic time with your life partner be that a person or, dare I say, your car?

Horror Film Cars

Happy 2016 everyone. Hope you had a great Christmas and New Year. So here we go another   Yuletide over and done with and there's only 300-odd shopping days till we do it all again. Something to look forward to. Now there's some who might say this particular article might have been better included as an October '15 posting on this meandering blog; a bit nearer to Halloween than a depressing January after Christmas and I wouldn't disagree.  Unfortunately, I hadn't actually thought of it then but I did, briefly, consider the option of reserving this piece till later in the year but given that there’s an inherent horror in the post-Christmas miasma of having to go back to work and all that sort of thing this blog, to my mind at least, seemed appropriate.

Those who know me are never surprised to learn I've always been a horror film fan, ever since I was a pale, etiolated youngster. Don't know why but there you go. In my long-evaporated youth I used to love watching the horror double bills that were shown Saturday nights on BBC2 in the mid-seventies. I'd stay up, usually on my own, and watch the old Universal and RKO black and whites starring the now legendary Bela Lugosi, Boris Karloff and Lon Chaney Jr. They'd usually be followed by a classic Hammer or Amicus film with such luminaries as Peter Cushing or the late, great Christopher Lee. And, as a pimply teenager, if there was a film in which I might get a glimpse of Ingrid Pitt's décolletage then wild horses couldn't drag me to bed. No wonder I was always knackered as a kid!

Relevant to our concerns here are those horror films where a car (or cars) take centre stage and play a significant part in the resulting mayhem. So why not hide beneath the duvet, pretend there's really nothing horrendous under your bed and try some of these motoring monsters - if your nerves can stand it that is.

Christine (1983)

This film, based on a Stephen King novel, has a 1958 Plymouth Fury called Christine as its eponymous anti-heroine. A vengeful lady-car no less who gets into an unhealthy relationship with nerdy owner Arnold who has lovingly restored her.  Pretty soon Christine goes on a killing spree of all those who have slighted Arnold or of whom she is jealous for his attention. She has a pretty neat trick of being able to regenerate herself after her murderous adventures so even when she’s been badly damaged in a smash, burned or vandalised she’s pretty soon in tip-top condition. Wish my car was capable of that it’d save a fortune in garage fees! In actual fact, the film used up to 20 cars (not all of them a Fury) to create the pre and post regeneration effects destroying quite a few in the process. Today only two of the film cars survive so the director John Carpenter has a lot to answer for in deliberately depriving the world of some pretty rare cars. Now that is horrific.

Death Race 2000 (1975)

Now if you’ve ever been in a car and the driver points to a woman with a pram or an esteemed senior citizen crossing the road and says something like: ’10 points’, they’re referencing, whether they know it or not, this film. Set in a dystopian future it features a pseudo-political, transcontinental car race used to subdue and entertain the repressed populous. The aim of the race is to gain points by seeing off opponents and also unwitting citizens going about their lives for whom a point value is awarded should they be successfully dispatched. Cars used include a Chevrolet Corvette, a Karmann Ghia and a Fiat 850 Spider all tricked out with imaginative and deadly weaponry. There’s a sub-plot of political resistance and an attempt to overthrow the state but most who watch just want to see vehicular mayhem being played out with as much death and destruction as possible. Or is that just me?

Mad Max (1979)

There’s an ongoing and intense rivalry between Australian Petrol Heads about which particular car tribe you should belong to.  Some are dyed-in-the-wool GM devotees and others ‘Ford blokes’.  What they do have in common is far from these being Astras and Fiestas these cars are usually supercharged beasts based on beefier US platforms than the more efficient cars we in the UK buy from these manufacturers. It can be safely assumed that director George Miller is firmly in the Ford camp given that virtually all the primary cars used are super-charged Ford Falcons (known as a Crown Victoria in the US and used extensively as police pursuit vehicles). Max (Mel Gibson) is a policeman in yet another dystopian future looking for revenge against the marauding gang who killed his family. There are some fantastic chase scenes in the film and the V8 Falcons are used to great effect with some nerdy detail of the interceptor cogs being engaged when Max decides to drive his motor flat out. The end sequence where Max exacts his revenge is now a classic in film history. What does seem to be a theme though is when the world finally does descend into anarchy a super-fast car would be a useful thing to have. Hmmm might need to trade up…

The Abominable Dr. Phibes (1971)

Probably one of my favourite Horror films.  It has equal amounts of humour, horror and inventiveness making it a perfectly blended shocker. The horribly disfigured Dr. Phibes - portrayed by the brilliant Vincent Price – exacts retribution onto a surgical team for failing to save his wife’s life by killing each in a highly creative style based on the plagues of Egypt. He travels between these engagements in an Hispano Suiza H6 limousine.  This Franco-Spanish car (and aircraft) company made a range of high-quality luxury cars in the same class as Rolls Royce and Bugatti all with their distinctive stork mascot adorning the hood. Due to changes in ownership they reverted to aircraft and military production in 1937 and no further cars were made. During that time some of their technology was licensed by Rolls Royce such was the innovation and quality of their designs. Suffice to say Phibes’ distinguished and rare Hispano Suiza serves him well as he completes his revenge and it ultimately transports him to one of the most shocking and disquieting denouements of any horror film.

It’s interesting isn’t it?  Many horror films have cars but they remain mostly unsung parts of the plot. But let’s put it this way: those teenage victims of the serial killer rarely walk to the spooky cabin in the middle of the woods where their fate will be sealed. No, most of the time they’ll have driven there making the car entirely complicit in their doom. Likewise, the vehicle that fails to start as the monster bears down on the hapless victim is ongoing proof that the car has been responsible for seeing off more than a few screaming, nubile girls and thick-necked college jocks. So think on this: Next time you experience the horror of turning the key on your classic to no response, remember, it could be a whole lot worse!

Christmas Cars...

Here we are again: another Christmas blog. I’ve decided this time to take a more relaxed approach to the festive season. In the last entry I ranted, railed against and besmirched this time of goodwill to our fellow men, women and children.  

I was totally inhospitable to what is a period of celebration when many of you take the time to reflect on the past year, plan for the new and thank your lucky stars for the many blessings that have been bestowed on you in 2015, especially in your hobby of classic car appreciation. As such, may I apologise to you for any ill will this may have kindled in your heart.  

So, hopefully, Santa will bring you all your heart’s desire all you need to hope is that he doesn’t visit me first because I’m going to let the tires down on his sleigh. Yah Boo Sucks!

So, as we plunge headlong into the joyous chaos of yuletide 2015 I thought I’d take some time to identify some of the key vehicles you’re likely to encounter in the feast of entertainment that will be strewn before you in the TV schedules.

Chitty Chitty Bang Bang (1968)

Or as it’s known in our house: ‘Not Bloody Chitty Chitty Bang Bang Again’. There’s a common pub quiz question which asks who wrote this whimsy and their link to James Bond.  Most will know the story was written from a hospital bed by Ian Fleming (for his ill-fated son Caspar) as he recovered from one of his many life-style related illnesses. It’s interesting that Fleming was pretty consistent in providing his fictional heroes with tricked-out vehicles although CCBB was less deadly than some of Bond’s conveyances. 

CCBB itself was actually a series of bespoke-built cars made especially for the film with the drivable versions having a beefy three-litre Ford engine. Having said that, I must have sat through this confection so many times over the years that I simply can’t do it again. Not without going mad. So it’s fair to say this film is definitely not ‘my little choochy face’. In fact, the only bits I still like are the scenes with the terrifying Child Catcher. Lollypop anyone?

TT Special Triumph 650: The Great Escape (1963)

Not actually a car but certain to make an appearance in the inevitable screening of The Great Escape over Christmas.  The keen-eyed will wonder what we were doing supplying the Nazis with our sublime Triumph motorbikes for Steve McQueen to ‘borrow’. Although they did have to disguise it as a BMW to make it contemporary to the film.  

Unfortunately the German bikes just weren’t up to the job of jumping into the barbed wire or indeed of keeping up with Steve on his TT Special so they had to film the sequences carefully to keep up the excitement. Despite the fact that I’ve seen this film more times than I care to remember, I still live in hope that one day, when I watch it again, that Steve makes the jump successfully.

Mini Cooper – The Italian job (1969)

I’ve written a lot about this car (and film) and I’m not going to cover old ground yet again.  Just to add my comment re the end of the movie as the coach teeters over the edge of the Italian alpine road and Michael Caine turns to the camera and says: ‘Hang on lads, I’ve got a great idea.’ Here’s my idea: show a different film ITV4!

1959 Cadillac 355 ‘Commercial Chassis’ – Ghostbusters (1984)

With the re-make due for release in 2016 it’s pretty certain that the original Ghostbusters films will be rolled out sometime in December.  I don’t mind them to be honest and thought Bill Murray et al were highly entertaining as inept ghost botherers.  The vehicular star, known as Ecto 1, was a 1959 Cadillac 355 Commercial Chassis customised by the Miller-Meteor company into a utility vehicle. In this case it was an end loading ambulance/hearse combination which seems appropriate for the subject matter and was further modified with other such ghost hunting paraphernalia by the production company. 

It’s another example of an ordinary working vehicle resurrected to a superstar status that wouldn’t have even been considered when it was originally put into service. Hence its value has increased exponentially. I wonder if we could do the same with some of the woeful cars the UK pumped out in the seventies. Ghost hunting Montego anybody?

Who ye gonna call?  Ecto 1 in Manchester July 2016

Panther-Westwinds De Ville – 101 Dalmatians (1996)

Panther-Westwinds were a unique British company created in the mid-seventies by a man called Bob Jankel. Based at the historic Brooklands racetrack they developed a series of highly distinctive vehicles including the Lima and Kallista sports cars and the indifferent, log-like, Rio. All were based on the running gear of mainstream cars such as Vauxhall Magnum and Triumph Dolomite but with striking bodies and styling produced by Panther themselves. 

Related to this it’s almost certain that the above film will be front and centre in the schedules this Christmas. And the vehicle that Cruella De Vil (Glenn Close) uses in her murderous quest for 101 Dalmatian pelts is one of the flagships of the marque: a Panther De Ville.  To be fair,  it’s a match made in heaven as this rare, neo-classically styled car was described by Jankel as appealing to the taste of: ‘nouveau riche customers’ i.e. the kind that might wear animal fur. If you’ve seen one you’ll know they are an imposing, stately machine reminiscent of a Bugatti Royale but based on reliable and solid Jaguar engineering. Apparently two of the 60 De Villes made were bought by Elton John and Oliver Reed.  

Thinking about it, if you combine those two using that machine out of The Fly someone very like Cruella De Vil would undoubtedly emerge.

Of course, there are many others I could have mentioned (and have in previous missives) that may be seasonally paraded on the tube this year: Herbie the VW, any number of Bond cars, a time travelling DeLorean or even a bat mobile or two.  But whatever they wheel out for your viewing pleasure may I hope it’s part of your enjoyable Christmas sprinkled with lashings of festive cheer. See you in 2016…

Make Mine A Jag!

So Christmas is bearing down on us at an alarming pace.  I wondered why the shops were all decorated in a strange way and why, for no reason I can think of, I keep humming Merry Christmas Everybody.  Oh well, here we go again.  Actually I’m quite looking forward to it this year.  I mean, what could be better?  I’ll start by getting a lovely log fire going in the wood burner to toast me toes. Then I’ll settle down in a big comfy chair with a glass of mulled wine and a spicy mince pie. And, as the scent of a festive pine tree perfumes the air and there’s a cupboard chock-full of goodies to swell my waistline, life starts to look good. Naturally, there’s the prospect of watching loads of films and programmes on the TV. Ones that I’ve seen many times before a bit like old friends who pop by to eat my diminishing box of Quality Street as I glare resentfully at them. I'm even relishing the prospect of receiving a glut of gifts that I can look forward to returning in the New Year for something that I actually might want. But better than all that. Better than a few days off work and, more satisfying than the inevitable overindulgence is the fact I get to sit at my PC, crack my fingers and write my second Christmas-themed blog article. Yes this is the missive in which I get to vent my spleen about how much I bloody hate Christmas. Fantastic!

Of course, there’s always the challenge of how to relate this irksome season in some way to cars and car related stuff.  I’ll admit for a short while I thought: what the hell, forget cars and just bang on about how irritating Christmas is to me but fair’s-fair you do need a bit of automotive content so here goes.  

It’s actually quite lucky for this purpose that I was recently working with the resurgent Anglo/Indian Jaguar Land Rover. I can’t tell you about the content of my work but it’s been quite eye-opening to see this company close up.  More satisfying, is that I was in contact with an uncharacteristically successful UK-based car company and that - unlike Christmas - has helped to warm my frigid soul. 

Some of my work has involved a number of visits to the JLR Heritage Centre in Gaydon which for a 'petrol head' is a real treat but also a bit sad seeing all the old cars I remember from my youth. It was a bit like the remains of an extravagant Christmas lunch – so much hard work laid to waste with little left to show for our efforts.  The Centre is a purpose-built facility which has collected examples of the long-gone automotive products of the surrounding counties and now houses choice examples of the historic cars that were assembled over the years by the West Midlanders.  All yesteryear's motoring life is here with cars we have known and loved and quite a few that we hated. Austin, Leyland, Morris, Rover, MG, Triumph, Sunbeam. No, these are not alternative dwarves for a Christmas Pantomime but instead a roll call of the damned as the British car industry counted down to extinction like the windows on a low-quality advent calendar. The four-wheeled remnants that survive can now only be found in countless classic car gatherings and in centres such as this. 

To add to the ambience, decked around the display halls are the original rough pencil sketches that Alex Issigonis made for the Minor and the Mini as well as many examples of the tinselly advertising material that urged us to buy these varied machines.  There’s even an MGB that's been expertly sliced down the middle like a Yuletide turkey so you can see all the gibbletty widgets that lie within. As interesting, are the prototypes of familiar cars that made the commercial cut and a few that didn't and were thrown aside like unloved stocking fillers. 

Overall, it's well worth a visit although, unfortunately, I don’t think it’s open on Christmas day so no 'get out clause' there I’m afraid. Inevitably there’s also a gift shop where you can buy model cars, books, badges, key rings, tea towels and many other sparkly offerings that you might actually want give someone as a gift. Better even than gold, frankincense or myrrh one might venture.

If there’s a ray of light here, like the wise men's star, I would offer that the Heritage Centre lies at the heart of a (UK based - but Indian owned) company that is now producing cars that you might actually be proud to own.  This comes after the Ford ownership years where X-type Jags were little more than over-decorated Mondeos and turkeys like the unlovely S Type were allowed to rear their ugly heads and sully the reputation of the venerable Jag forever. 

At last things are finally looking up for JLR.  The Range Rover Evoque, Jaguar F Type, Range Rover Sport are now genuine success stories, made with passion and fuelled by brimming order books. More encouraging is that UK car workers are again helping to drive mass market, vehicular innovation in the much-maligned West Midlands. These new British cars can one day take pride of place in the Heritage centre and (hint hint) if I were to find any of these in my Christmas stocking this year it might certainly improve my dim view of the festive season.

So I’ll conclude with the hope that JLR enjoys many more successful Christmases. I'm sure that they will bring festive joy to many people as they go onto greater success, employ more workers and sell to delighted consumers. I'm sure the latter, with a Christmas carol playing on their lips, will use these their exceptional vehicles to visit their friends and families over the holidays.

Do come back as I have more Christmas related things to say but as they say at this time of year you'll have to wait just a few more weeks...