Fast and So Terribly Smart

Happy New Year everyone, hope you had a 'good one' as the vernacular goes! Welcome to 2017, out with the old and in with the new and all that. Strange phrase that, and in the case of classic car enthusiasts, it's surely the wrong thing to say?

In fact, it more accurately follows that as owners of more mature vehicles we are quite interested in 'the old', arguably more than most. It goes with the territory it kind of has to. Therefore, when we are enjoying our ageing prides and joys we surely realise that we are indulging in the lachrymose state of nostalgia and that is definitely something that relates to the past.

If you're wondering why I'm stating what some would argue is the bleedin' obvious I do have a good reason for my train of thought: Recently, I was lucky enough to be given a box full of old Autocar magazines. When I say old, I mean very old.  The earliest I have is dated 1933; it's the best part of a century since it was published.

Let's put that into perspective: It was the decade of Art Deco, typified by the era's most audacious edifice The Empire State Building on which the paint was only just dry. The Plaza Cinema in Stockport had been open for a year and was probably showing the original version of King Kong which was released that year. It was also the year Sir Henry Royce died.

The most advanced form of transport was the Airship which still had a smoking room! And, to nobody's alarm, a one Adolf Hitler had been elected as Chancellor of Germany. How things changed in the intervening years.

Of the magazines, the most interesting are the special editions covering the London Olympia car show that shone a spotlight on the automotive culture of the day where all that was new in the car world was proudly showcased.

It's the same today of course. When a new car launches it's still at a big car expo in places like Paris, Geneva or London with copious fanfare, lots of PR and, best of all, scantily clad women draping themselves alluringly over the latest in car innovation. Back in 1933, it was much the same except the women were men dressed in tweeds and smoking a pipe.

What the magazines reveal is a cornucopia of cars and car-related ephemera from makers that we have heard of like: Ford, Morris, Riley, Dunlop and Exide. More engaging is the information on companies that have long since disappeared. These firms offered exotic, hand-built vehicles that now exist only in legend or when they appear in exclusive car auctions. Names like Delage, Hispano Suiza, Palmer and Invicta.

One forgotten marque, mentioned often, is SS cars, which as we all know, became something else: a brand everybody has heard of and which had its roots in Stockport. If you don't know that story it's time to read my 'Our William' blog!

As interesting, are the supporting advertisements that pepper all the magazines. These offer products that were required to keep you on the road in 1933 some of which we cannot conceive of needing today. What about a device to convert paraffin into gasoline or a home chrome plating kit? Maybe you needed the wagtail wiper system and, best of all, a special light that says ‘thank you’ for considerate motoring – such a polite society in 1933!

I can't even imagine many of us look at our cars and consider them the very zenith of modernity no matter how unique and innovative they were when launched. It's the same with the contents of these Autocar volumes. Reading the articles, you  understand why the writers were enthused by the remarkable advancements in motor technology however ordinary they seem today. Despite flaunting features that we would eschew as less than standard, in the early thirties they were the best the age could offer and features the car owner of the mid-thirties could look forward to improving their motoring lives.

Flip forward eighty-odd years to the untrained eye the cars pictured look old fashioned; heavy and slow. Your nostrils may metaphorically wrinkle from the reek of gasoline and to hear them in action most would have been as noisy as a steam train and just as unpleasant to drive.

And that I think is my point. ‘New’ is such a transitory concept. As soon as something new has been consumed it transitions to become the everyday and ultimately the old. It doesn’t matter whether it’s 1933 or 2017 the flow of progress, however remarkable the innovation, will render all things either obsolete or classic and nostalgic.

That decision is ours to make and fortunately it’s a personal one too. It’s part of the process by which we collectively decide the classic cars we own and the films, music, clothes etc. we consider timeless or nostalgic.

Luckily, because were all free thinking individuals, it means we have different opinions ensuring the car showing circuit brims with a diverse range of motors, including some of those showcased way back in 1933, and that, as we can all agree, is a good thing!

A Carmudgeon’s Christmas

Ahh Christmas, the annual spend-fest that starts sooner each year.  You know it’s time to start preparing when the stores, around September, dust off their Christmas hits CD and put it on shuffle - ad infinitum - for the remainder of the year.  

The main clue is when you see a small corner of a department store anonymously stocked with cards, tinselled decorations and crappy gifts starting to spread like seasonal flu until, by the end of October, it’s infected the whole place. From then on there’s really no escape. 

Christmas is as inevitable as death and taxes and for curmudgeons like me, just as enjoyable.  Perhaps I’m being uncharitable, demeaning one of the few times of the year where families get together to exchange gifts, stuff their faces and quaff cheap sparkling wine before slumping, taut and tipsy, in front of the TV to watch Doctor Who.

All this is to celebrate the arrival of the mythical man known as Santa who, apparently, spreads joy and generosity throughout the world – what a guy. 

For me it’s slightly worse because my birthday is on Christmas Eve which, given its proximity to the 25^th, means my festive day is when all the last minute running around gets done and pretty much puts paid to me feeling just a little bit special. Bah, humbug.

At the risk of dragging you all into my indifference to this annual annoyance, you might look at it this way: funds spent on Christmas are those you could have alternatively lavished on your precious motor that I think in the long run might bring you more joy.

Are you still in the mood?  If so, I thought I’d list some of the probable and unwelcome stocking fillers you might receive as a classic car owner just to drive [sic] my message home.

#1 A necktie with a car on it. Not your classic car of course. No, some generic other car. To obtain the former might need some extra effort and let’s face it to the casual gift giver classic cars are all the same aren’t they? To save on blog space the same objection can apply to socks, gloves, scarves, T-shirts, underpants and bathrobes.

Well, it does have British Racing Green...

#2 A classic car calendar. Your car might be included in the twelve chosen depending how mainstream your chosen vehicle is.  But remember this: you’ll only enjoy looking at it for one month and the rest of the year you’ll have to look at other peoples’ cars and, of course, be doomed to count down to next Christmas.

#3 A winter car care kit. A nylon sponge, some cheap car wash, an ice scraper and some caustic looking deicer all in a festive poly bag. This was bought totally irrespective of the fact that your classic is probably tucked away in a cosy garage cosseted from the rigours of winter until the coming Spring. ‘You could use it on your daily driver’ you might protest! Really, you’d use such tat to ‘care’ for your everyday motor?

You shouldn't have!

#4  A coffee table book of classic cars.  What would we do without remaindered bookstores, the happy haven of the lazy gift buyer?  You will probably flick through this glossy tome a few times before New Year and maybe even read a page or two. You might even find your own car featured but it’s about as likely you’ll discover one fact or comment you don’t already know as finding Rudolph droppings. Soon it’ll be good for one thing: putting your coffee cup on until it has more rings than the Olympic flag then off to the charity shop it goes.

#5  A car jigsaw. About as much fun as changing a wheel in the pouring rain. Time spent on one of these anachronisms could be time spent overhauling your carburetor which, thinking about it, might be a more fun way to spend the 25^th of December.

#6 A mug, decorative plate or porcelain ornament. Yes with an old car on it. Give us strength. Actually thinking about it; no!  Instead make us weak, give us the grip of a newborn so that soon after you’ve unwrapped it you hold the offending object up, faking admiration until suddenly it falls from your weakened hands.

All present can watch in slow motion as it falls to the floor and smashes into satisfying smithereens. You feign shock, upset, disappointment but most of all you implore the giver that it’s all your fault and you cannot in all conscience ask them to replace it. Immediately retire to the bathroom to laugh until you dampen your gusset.

Is that a VW Beetle? (MG owner)

Finally, to ameliorate my rant and to add some much-needed festive cheer; in the spirit of worthwhile Christmas commercialism your nearest and dearest could buy you some club regalia from your preferred car society. Not only would this add nicely to the club’s funds you might actually be happy to receive it!

So, to conclude, may I wish everyone a Merry Christmas, a Happy New Year and hopefully Santa will not curse you with anything that you’d immediately want to put onto eBay. 

Thank Heavens it's over...

No, I'm not talking about Christmas, well not yet anyway. No, I'm referring to the year of our Lord 2016 that has been tumultuous, to say the least. It's sure to be a year that we'll be talking about for quite some time yet.

We have said a final goodbye to numerous beloved celebrities and luminaries, more than one would expect in a normal year. In June, we gave a typically British two fingers to the EU and saw our dream of having a world-class football team comically ended: sacrificed on a wintry Icelandic alter.

Worse still, we now have the prospect of one Donald J Trump Esq. entering the White House as leader of the 'free world': something we're all going to have to contemplate and hope for the best!

As for me, as you know, I said goodbye to a good deal of cash as I finally decided to give the DS some overdue TLC. This draining process will no doubt continue into 2017 as we finish it off. There's an old joke which I'll paraphrase: How do you make a small fortune? Start with a big one then buy a DS. Finally, there is one final sting to my 2016 because during this tiresome year my personal odometer rolled over to 50. Oh the misery.

So onto cars. I thought given that I've hit my half-century that I'd find out which classic cars are joining me on this landmark occasion. There are quite a few and some of them quite remarkable. Let's see:

The Jensen Interceptor (1966 - 1976)

Yay! What a super cool car to share a birthday with and, better still, it’s a favourite of mine. A true British muscle car with a massive six-litre V8 engine and looks to die for. Much like my good self! Given unlimited funds, I'd have an Interceptor but the cost of insurance, fuel and maintenance would make the cost of looking after the DS seem like pocket change. Perhaps, if I had the wealth of America's President-Elect it might be an option but under current circumstances, this would be like taking my money and burning it on a Yuletide fire.

British V8 excellence

Toyota Corolla (1966 - present)

Most who know me would describe me as a reserved, sensible person with a tendency to be both taciturn and perspicacious. I'm OK with that. Apt then, that one of the most understated, low-key cars on the road was launched in the year of my birth.  And cars don't come soberer than the undramatic Corolla. Beloved of the elderly and as reliable as Santa on Christmas Eve these unassuming cars won't set the world on fire but they will always start and get you home in time for Christmas. In these topsy-turvy times, that's a good thing.

Fiat 124 (1966 - who knows)

For such a simple three-box car, this is arguably one of the most remarkable ever. Not for its engineering or performance or beauty but more for its longevity. Whilst Fiat stopped making the 124 in 1974, some of the licensed overseas versions are still being made today. One of its most recognisable incarnations is, of course, that Cold War classic the Lada Riva. It has also been made in Spain, India, Bulgaria, Korea and, most appropriately, Turkey. In fact, in its various guises, it's the second biggest selling car in automotive history. It’s a bit like your Christmas turkey; it just seems to go on forever. I kinda like that; I just hope I'm as resilient.

Daimler Sovereign (1966 - 1983)

Effectively a badge-engineered Jaguar 420 the Sovereign was a 2.5-litre V8 slice of little England. Graceful and sublime when wafting through the shires of the Home Counties but with a dark side when used by an underworld boss. With enough room in the boot to transport a gangland corpse to the foundations of an East-end skyscraper, these cars were, during their production, the crème de la crème vehicle of the moneyed classes (irrespective of how that cash was procured).

Dodge Charger (1966 - 1978)

What a treat. One of the few American cars I really like. The Charger is the muscle car's muscle car. Longer than a winter's night and just as cool. Its massive engine is louder than the squeal of kids on a Christmas morn.  Chargers exude menace, power and dark intent. Whether it's chasing Steve McQueen round San Francisco during a festive showing of Bullitt or yee-hawing around as the General Lee in The Dukes of Hazard the Dodge Charger is a true American icon with which I'm delighted to share a birthday.

You can feel the menace

After such a difficult year we all need cheering up a bit methinks and at this time of goodwill to all people finding out I'm of the same vintage as some brilliant cars has lightened my mood somewhat. I hope this gets you to check which cars share your birthday, you may be pleasantly surprised.

So now, it’s time to ponder what 2017 will have up its sleeve? Let's hope there's plenty to look forward to, especially in our classic car world, that put the indifference of 2016 firmly behind us.

Diamonds in the rough

I’m sure I’m in good company when I say over the years I’ve been to many car shows. A lot! And as I’ve toured them, camera in hand, I must have made thousands of images of cars that I’ve squirreled away on my hard drive which I haven’t looked at since I pressed the shutter. I’m also sure many of those pictures are of Citroens as you might expect.

Now we’re at the fag end of 2016 the showing season.  It’s about that time of the year when careful classic owners will be considering cossetting their cherished motors in a lock up, putting the battery on trickle charge and protecting their pride and joy from the rigours of winter and the inevitable gritted and salty roads. Given my experiences with extreme vehicular oxidisation this year I don’t blame you!

Probably, one of the last gasps on the local classic car trail is the show in Event City near the Trafford Centre in Manchester. As it’s an indoor event, it allows us one last look at some great cars safe from unpredictable weather. It also helps to avoid mercurial attendees who at the last minute might eschew wandering around a muddy field when there is a high chance of depressing drizzle putting a damper on their day.

Carolyn and I decided to go along as we usually do mainly to catch up with people who we probably now won’t see until the Spring. There was one difference this year.  I decided I would not photograph anything but the most interesting and exotic cars mainly to save disk space and as very unscientific experiment to see how many truly remarkable cars are at these types of show (to my mind of course). I thought I would share some of my selections with you. 

Now where shall we begin?

Let us start with the French.  No not a Citroën, but a pre-war Peugeot. In this case a 1939 202 UH Estate. Surely a contender for the moniker ‘unique in appearance’ and, of course, only something that our Gallic neighbours could both conceive and manufacture with a straight face.

Peugeot 202 UH Estate. A visage only a mother could love

I’ve written a lot about rust of late so to include what must be the crown prince of car corrosion seems apt. Surely a rare pukka example of the legendary Lancia Beta. A car made from metal so thin you could roast a turkey with it. This car effectively ended the UK market for Lancia which is a shame.

Lancia Beta - I wonder if the brown colour is hiding something?

Now this is a strange, but somehow compelling, confection.  A bespoke built Mitsuoka Le Seyde. A retro styled, but thoroughly modern, limo’ based on a Nissan Silvia of all things. It was for sale for a shade under £12k. There is no doubt it would make an interesting, and probably very reliable, addition to a ‘classic’ car collection. Not sure about parking it at Costco to be fair.

I wonder if Seyde is Japanese for subtle?

As you may know, I’m not a massive fan of Yank cars. I confine my interest in this genre to Mustangs, Chargers, Old Chevy’s and the occasional Pontiac.  Perhaps that’s why his Chevy caught my eye.  Not only is it very pretty but the detailing was excellent.  Check out how those rear lights merge into the side swages.  Arguably, over the top for a working vehicle and, indeed this example was originally from the fleet of a telephone company. Lovely to behold though.

Unnecessary detail?  Fabulous Chevy Van

A Morris Marina Camper. Yes, you read that right. One of the most maligned UK cars merged into one of our most mocked activities - caravanning. This really should be a recipe from Satan’s Vehicular cookbook but I thought it a hoot. As an ex-Ital owner, I have a soft spot for this range of cars and I do like a bit of camping too!

Morris Marina Camper - perhaps only for clear nights?

Finally, one of the most distinctive cars ever made in the US at least.  The AMC Gremlin.  A car whose profile is so unbalanced only lovers of the unusual could realistically own one. This was in fact an AMC Hornet, an undistinguished three-box coupe, with its rear third cut off to create a car that could compete in the burgeoning hatchback market. AMC expended no further effort to ‘pretty up’ the results hence the strange car you see here albeit one which has been extensively ‘blinged’.

Where's the back? AMC Gremlin 

There were of course many others and it’s a matter of taste which you may have decided to photograph.  

I’m just pleased that even this late in the season I can find cars that delight, intrigue or appal me in equal measure.  Is that what makes the classic car scene so appealing?  

Happy Halloween everyone!

Dutch courage – taking an old car to the continent

In my last blog, I promised an overview of our trip in the newly fettled D to The International Citroën Car Clubs Rally in Holland. As I think I explained, this is an event held every four years to celebrate all things Citroën. This is its 16th iteration. It was last held the UK in 2012 at the International Show Ground in Harrogate and was a fantastic spectacle for lovers of the Citroën brand. 

Les idiots abroad

Our first headache, of course, was whether the D would make it or not? Would some mechanical malady leave us bitter and screaming on the hard shoulder of the M62? Will other drivers have witnessed the spectacle of a man hitting an old Citroën with a branch saying: 'I'm going to give you a damn good thrashing'?

Well, fortunately, our DS made the first leg of the trip successfully and in some style too. So phase one of our journey onto the ferry and then to the show was trouble free. It even made the return journey with ease. Phew!

When we arrived at Middachten we found the event ground was huge, a family estate no less, with several large fields for camping and caravans as well as the attractions on offer. It had to be. Even though it was early on day one it was already awash with cars with many more to come.

We selected a spot and with remarkable efficiency erected the tent just before the rain set in. Unfortunately, that was the main theme of the first day: the incessant rain that started pretty much as soon as we were camped and persisted for the first 24 hours. It put a bit of a damper on initial proceedings but the subsequent sunny days cheered us up and dried us out!

Naturally, there were plenty of Citroën related things to see including: exhibitions, traders, caterers, club stands and a stage for the entertainment that was laid on. There was even a drive in movie theatre where we could enjoy films that feature Citroëns all from the comfort of the DS. A great idea but we didn’t partake in the end

It occurs to me that I should at least offer some exposition as to why we travelled so far and why Citroën is our voiture d'amore. I think I’ve already bored you with loads of technical stuff re Citroën and there are plenty of places on the Internet you can find that sort of thing. Instead, let's talk in a more general way about what makes this car brand so interesting to all the people at the ICCCR.

Don't know what this is!

Few car companies have done so much to innovate, defy convention and challenge the norms of what we consider ‘a car’. One major example that affects most classic and modern car drivers is that Citroën practically invented front wheel drive and used it to great effect on their hugely popular Traction Avant series and every car that followed. Most cars on the road today owe Citroën that innovation.

The brutally utilitarian 2cv helped to mobilise agrarian communities in post-war France but was also a lesson in effective but pared down engineering.

The DS blew the socks of the motoring world when launched in 1955 with more new and unique features than the industry could comprehend. And, of course, it looked like it had fallen from space.

Superb Original DS19

The SM showed that they could couple their hydro pneumatic innovations to a six cylinder Maserati engine to create a futuristic, if quintessentially seventies, GT car. It was also the fastest production car of its era clocking in at 130 mph. Fast even now...

Few automotive manufacturers have consistently delighted, confused, irritated, appalled, beguiled and confounded as Citroën. In fact, the only word that can adequately be used to describe all these features, good and bad, in one go is French! And that's the point. If you can identify with this uniquely Gallic way of thinking then you will enjoy the Citroën life. We can, and that is why we do this. We enjoy the difference and all that comes with it.

Stubby 2CV - vive le difference

As we toured the site we admired the special bodied Chapron DS cabriolets parked near to Middachten Castle and saw a very rare Prestige Model DS used only by Presidents and other high-ranking types. We saw umpteen examples from the whole of the classic Citroën canon including 2CV, Ami, Dyane, Traction Avant, H vans, GS, SM, XM, CX. You name it, every model, and model variant. Even complete one-offs. Don't believe me? How about an amphibious CX? I kid you not! 

Unfortunately, we have also found Carolyn's next choice of desired Citroën. A kit car variant of a 2CV called a Burton. That obviously means future expenditure. Whilst Citroëns may be my favourite cars those are some of my least favourite words.

Future expenditure - money gone for a Burton

Part of our time was spent finding parts for the D as we continue to upgrade it from shed to summerhouse standard. High on our list was some new body panels plus a second hand boot lid to replace the rotten one we have at present. Happily, we acquired most of our needs and haggled reasonable prices for them

So the rest of our time there was about, well, looking at Citroëns, taking about Citroëns, admiring Citroëns, photographing Citroëns, coveting better Citroëns than ours and sneering at those that are worse.

On top of standard models, we also admired many examples of how strange the Citroëniverse can be in terms of modified and project cars. Notable examples included a rare U23 hearse, rally prepared DS and Visa, a bizarre Traction/2CV Hybrid, a stretched deuche and...Well, just have a look at the pictures for examples of this exotica and just the plain weird. And when you say weird in the already off-kilter world of Citroën that means very strange indeed!

The future of motoring? DS from Back to the Future P2

On the last day, we made our way to the castle to see a display of cars grouped by era and driven by people wearing appropriate period costume. This was the cream of the crop Citroën-wise and they looked great as they paraded before the delighted onlookers with Middachten stately home in the background enhancing the scene. I was pleased to see some British-based cars being lauded both for their quality and that the owners had taken the time to come to the ICCCR to share their unique vehicles with fellow enthusiasts.

Superb 'Super Traction'

All too soon, it was time to go; our holiday at the ICCCR had ended. We got into the D had a final drive around the site and then set off for Rotterdam. It was a very easy trip, mainly motorway driving, with a brief stop and a chat with a couple of homeward bound 2CVers we met at the services. 

So what was our verdict? Well, overall it was great. It certainly kept us fully entertained for the time we were there. Some might claim it was under-powered and not as good as the ICCCR in Harrogate 2012. Perhaps that might, partly, be the case but I wouldn't say it was worse. It was just…different.

Whilst there, the venue for the 17th ICCCR was decided.  It will be in the historic city of Torun in Poland (birthplace of Nicklaus Copernicus). If this event is as pleasant as the people who were there to promote it then it will be brilliant. That said, it'll be a challenging trip so we will have to think about whether we want to drive the D that far (if it's capable that is). Perhaps check back here in about four years or so and see what we decide to do....

Change (stop the rot)

So, here we are again.  Another update on the DS’ renovations that I have been documenting for a blog or two hopefully for your enjoyment and empathy. Regular readers will know my French fancy has had a near death experience due to major complications brought on by owner neglect.

It has had protracted lifesaving surgery as diseased bits were cut out and new healthy bits shoved in (those, I believe, are technical terms). In addition, alongside all that, there’s been the mysterious emptying of my wallet, which is the bit that has distressed me the most!

Oh, I nearly forgot. I’ve been using songs as metaphors for the restoration process and wanted to continue.  Unfortunately, I didn’t really know anything that would fit until a Google search found Change (stop the rot) recorded in 1990 by a band called the The Spaceheads.  Although I’m not a fan, I’m still happy to appropriate their song to fulfil the literary whimsy I have decided to pursue. If you have been keeping up with the saga I hope you’ll agree with The Spaceheads - there’s been a lot of changes to the D and a lot of rot stopped!

So now, I’m pleased to say, the D is back home and seems to be in fine fettle, more or less.  I suspect a few adjustments to the new brakes and clutch will be required as they bed in but overall you can feel, and see the difference.  The ride seems more solid, gear changes and pick up now happen without fuss and, best of all, the lights track with the steering meaning I now have one of the remarkable USPs of the late model DS: steering headlights!

Some employees enjoying a proper Citroen

I also had hazard lights fitted which is something Citroen didn’t supply back in the day probably on the assumption that a flimsy reflective triangle was a better solution to alert others of roadside woes. They seem to work well and, interestingly, the flasher unit fitted to achieve this aftermarket upgrade was from a 2CV so hopefully no rejection problems there!

We’ve been stress-testing the changes by doing various trips, both long and short, to see if anything drops off, fails or is just plain irritating and it mostly seems fine.  As I mentioned, it has to transport us to The Netherlands at the beginning of August. So, as you’re reading this, I could be enjoying a lovely cone of frites mayo at the International Citroen Car Club Rally (ICCCR) at the Middachten Estate or sitting in a layby on the M62 muttering something like: ‘bloody piet de merde’.  Time will tell on that one…

One interesting post-renovation excursion we took was to support the Evans Halshall Citroen Stand at the recent Stockport Carnival in Woodbank Park.  We seem to get on quite well with the guys there so are happy to help out (and do a bit of PR for the Woodsmoor Show).  So, we duly turned up in our Citroen fleet and parked them alongside the more modern Citroens and DS’. Whilst it will look great on the promos and tweets for the Citroen team the truth of the matter is the older cars attracted more attention.

The old and the new...

The conceited part of me likes to think this is proof positive that Citroen or DS Automobiles or whatever they’re calling themselves these days should recognise that they were once a much more creative and innovative company. The fripperies and foibles of old Citroens are actually the features that people respond to and enjoy.  As such, a lot more of that kind of thinking might just give them the edge they are looking for in the market. Better than simply re-badging bog-standard cars with the marques of more enigmatic past glories.  Anyway enough of that!

The final stage of the D’s restoration process will happen when we have recovered financially from all that I have described for you.  That will be a full body renovation and a quality respray.  Touch wood, we now have a solid and reliable car which is worthy of such attentions and one we can be genuinely proud of.  So, after Holland, we will no doubt be consumed by the arrangements for a certain car show in the Woodsmoor area that I hope you might visit if you're in the area.

This Corrosion

So I'm back to update you on the extensive works being lavished on our DS, or should I say the most oxidised car since an original Austin Metro turned one year old. I quite liked the allusion to a rust-themed song in my last article so I've done it again with another favourite of mine.  

This time it's a track from the 1987 album Floodland by Gothic rock band The Sisters of Mercy. When Andrew Eldritch, the lead singer, with his distinctive baritone croons: 'Hey now, hey now now, sing this corrosion to me', from now on the only image I'll ever see in my mind's eye is my DS sitting, dismantled and corroded, in the workshop at Graham Morton Vehicle Services in Holmbridge. And there will always be an ominous shiver down my spine as the image fades.

As holy as the Titanic

So where are we? Well, it's not getting any better I'm afraid. Whilst the D is getting the long-overdue attention it needs there is, of course, the ever-mounting sting in the financial tail that I won't embarrass you, or myself, by saying what that's amounting to. Suffice to say, the DS is taking full advantage of this spa-like pampering.  Let us list what treatments she's had thus far:

•    A new clutch assembly. The old one was down to the rivets - we have had our money's worth there!

•    A new accumulator sphere to restore fully its trademark soft ride.

•    Fully functioning water pump. The former was leaking like a proverbial sieve.

•    New front brake and parking pads - done whilst access was available.

•    Replacement bottom hoses, again, prudent to have done in the circumstances.

•    A full set of drive belts the old ones showing plenty of age related trauma.

•    Rebuilt B and C pillars, rear gutters, boot aperture, sills and bumper mounts.

•    A reconditioned front left wing with new directional light pods (left and right).

•    A totally replaced roof rail, the former was totally (and utterly) 'shot'. With holes ‘like those on the Titanic’ it was said.

•    A repainted roof panel with new internal headlining to make it all lovely inside too.

•    A replacement steering wheel/column instead of the sun-damaged, baggy one that we'd lived with for too long.

•    A liberal treatment with rust converter of all the bits that have non-terminal surface corrosion.

•    Finally, to finish it all off, a refreshing, massage treatment to the D's most intimate places with an unctuous coating of the finest Waxoyl.

We're also getting some cosmetic work done on the wiring loom and, if possible, installing a hazard light circuit. It seems a good addition to a car that, even after such extensive works, may still 'fail to proceed' in an inconvenient place for any reason it thinks appropriate.

Phew! When you think a lot of that work is welding and panel reconstruction the car, when complete, should be considerably safer and much more solid.  It makes me shudder to think how poorly the D would have performed in its former state if we'd got into 'trouble'.

Is that what metal looks like? Really? Wow!

Even when all that's done and the car is reconstructed most will wonder where the work has occurred given that on first impressions it won't look much different. All the newly shaped metal will be covered up never to be seen again until the time the D feels the time is right to once more reveal its underparts to the horror of, perhaps, a new owner.

When you think I could have simply had the bodywork fettled and then professionally painted. Although it would look a 'million dollars', lurking underneath the true horrors of an ageing DS would have lain hidden waiting to give many unpleasant problems going forwards. The very issues we're dealing with right now.

I hope all will agree this is the best approach, if eye-wateringly scary. The strategy is to get the D's foundation garments firmly in place before putting on the 'jewellery' later. That way she can be transformed from a lowly Cinders into the belle of the ball with everything just as it should be.

So much new metal - just soooo much...

Some might ask why now? Well, one of the main objectives of getting the work done, apart from the small issue of converting the car from a death trap to something more life enhancing, was that it would (safely) transport us to the International Citroen Car Club Rally (ICCCR) being held in the Middachten Estate in Holland this coming August.

Half-way there..

We went to the 2012 ICCCR in Harrogate and had a great time so we're looking forward to it. Having a robust D to get us there is of high importance to our enjoyment. However, factoring in the costs of getting the car ready, it's one of the most expensive holidays we've ever had. So far, we’re on schedule to meet that goal but will be limiting the amount of spending money we take on our break. Can’t think why!

So, to conclude, we still own a DS, arguably more than we did before it went away to be put right. Alternatively, I should say: we own less corrosion and more metal now. I'll update on the finalised work in the next blog perhaps, and hopefully also about a successful and trouble-free journey to the ICCCR.