Welcome Back!

I’ve been enjoying my spurious stitching together of classic car ephemera with our national celebratory days.  Hope you have too!  So this month I shall continue.

 

By now you’ll all have enjoyed the long Easter weekend.  You’ll be feeling a little queasy after the surfeit of chocolate you’ve consumed no doubt.  But free days off work are always welcome. So long may the Easter Bank Holidays continue.

Hidden within of course are some religious messages. Lest we forget. Amongst the free time, copious chocolate and family feasting is the story of Christ’s death and resurrection.  Easter eggs symbolise the empty tomb from which Jesus emerged.  That’s why for many the symbolism of the egg at this time of year is important.

Easter, therefore, is at its core a story of renewal, rebirth and hope. Now how do I hop from that to cars while avoiding trivialisation? 

Well, if we take the theme of rebirth and renewal as our central theme, then there is a story to tell.  And it is one of hope too. You see, recently we have seen some examples of where long-forgotten car brands have been resurrected and have produced something new and wonderful.

Legendary marques that we thought we would not hear from again have returned from oblivion. In many ways, theirs is a little like the Easter story. Let’s have a look at some good examples.

The Bugatti Veyron

Bugatti is a mythical car brand known for its range of majestic, high-end machines. Beautiful in actuality and legend.  A rival in reputation to Rolls Royce in luxury and prestige cars.  Unhappily, the brand fell into disrepair when it was sold to Hispano Suiza in the sixties. Enter VW who bought the brand in 1998. Less than a decade later the Veyron emerged.  A road-going supercar. Hair-partingly quick but with the road manners of a Toyota Corolla. The Bugatti brand has now moved onto the even more insane 1000hp Chiron. Where will it go next?

The Maybach

Another German luxury car brand that didn’t make it past WW2. Indeed it was the war that saw off many prestigious brands as their factories were pressed into making munitions. When the Daimler Group decided to resurrect Maybach, they stuck to the original brief. A sumptuous car with more gadgets than an overpaid millennial. Beloved of pound shop millionaires and almost always chauffer driven. If you can afford one, I have one question. Can I have a lift?

Lincoln

The Lincoln car brand was seared into the American psyche in November 1963. It was in a Lincoln Continental that JFK met his doom in Dallas.  However, that didn't stop the brand falling into disrepair at the hand of marketers and seat of the pants corporate strategy. By the late nineties, Lincoln’s cars were perceived as gas-guzzling, badge engineered Fords.  However, the brand is back and is as egregious as ever. Take for example the Lincoln Navigator. Favoured by Premiership footballers. It is a huge barge of an SUV that gets woeful gas mileage. Welcome back Lincoln!

Datsun

That’s now called Nissan you exclaim! Yes, you’re right. However, the Datsun brand is being brought back for a series of cheap cars in China. In doing this, the brand has gone full circle. Original Datsuns were cheap, reliable interlopers that gradually helped to destroy the UK car industry.  Yes, they rusted enthusiastically. And yes, a rebrand to Nissan was required to relaunch what are today excellent cars. However, the Datsun brand still has a legion of fans, myself included. As a proud Datsun owner back in the day, I find this to be excellent news.

You’ll note I’ve excluded BMW Mini, Fiat 500 and the new Beetle. And don’t get me started on the new DS’. The list above is made up of cars that have retained the original USPs of the brand. Whether we like them or not they remain true to the ethos of the original cars. They’ve just been given a 21^st-century spin. That’s a good thing!

I said this is a message of hope. Why? Well, there are many other treasured brands out there. To name a few, there’s Riley, Jowett, Morris, Austin, Sunbeam, and Singer. Maybe a dotcom billionaire will take pity, pick one of these up and do the necessary? 

Let’s say my favourite; the Hillman Imp is chosen for rebirth. Great!  I hope they stay true to form.  It should be rhomboid-shaped, rear-engined, small and efficient.  It would be great if it was made in Scotland and had a tendency to overheat the moment it crosses the English border. Every USP in place and no messing around with just the brand. Just as it should be.

When you think back, there are thousands of heritage brands that we no longer see.  Products we remember fondly and would still buy if we could. From a simpler age where value for money and customer satisfaction was still important. Many will be up for sale if you’re so inclined!

I hope my missive has given you hope. That occasionally some treasured brands do come back and improve our lives once more.  It that way they are at least tentatively like the story of Easter!

Happy classic motoring everyone

Dragons & Irish Hares

I do hope you’re enjoying my exploitation of the UK’s celebratory days as muses to my car writing. I’m enjoying knitting these two ideas together however visible the join.

March offers a few opportunities for me to continue this most fragile of ideas. It would depend on your circumstances, which of these dates is most important to you. For some, Mother’s Day will be primary in March’s landmark days. And while I could do something with that, there are a couple of other opportunities I can utilise.

I’m talking first about St Patrick’s Day. You can be sure oceans of Guinness, and Irish whiskey will be consumed the world over as the Irish go into party mode. It's become a green-tinged, bacchanalian celebration of Ireland’s national day.

To a lesser degree, there’s also St David’s day. Is this event celebrated in such an exuberant fashion? Maybe in Welsh valley communities or long-defunct mining towns? It also implies something about the alcoholic consumption of these different races. But we won’t explore that theme you’ll be happy to know.

There is a motoring related angle here, and it’s a good one too. What cars have these proud nations produced and offered to the world? Are there any world-beating motors created by these patriotic peoples?

Well, there are some. These include mainstream masterpieces and others that have faded in the memory. So, with a daffodil in your lapel and a shamrock in your cap, let’s pour a pint of the black stuff and have a look-see.

Let’s start with Ireland. We’ll include the whole place, north and south if that’s OK. Yet like the leaves on a bog-standard Clover, only three cars are worthy of note.

Behold the 1955 Shamrock. Even the name gives the game away, to be sure. The ‘Irish T-Bird’ was the brainchild of William K Curtis and James Conway. They designed it to appeal to the US market. And what a beast it was. An ungainly log of a thing, it bore all the features of fifties Yank cars. Replete with chrome garnish, tail fins and, of course egregiously long.

Unfortunately, it was ludicrously proportioned and shocking in design. Its fibreglass body wobbled on Austin A55 running gear. It was a mess. It looked like the disquieting offspring of a Reliant Regal’s one night stand with a Cadillac.  One particularly ungainly feature was that to change a rear tire you needed to unbolt the back axle. Convenient not! Even the luck of the Irish couldn’t make it a success with only eight built.

Then there’s the TMC Costin. A road-going sports car with a Ford engine, designed by racing driver Frank Costin. Launched in 1983 with a build schedule of ten per year planned. Unusually for a track-day car, it had usable luggage space and two rear-facing child seats. 

You could go for a blast around your local track and then pop off with the wife and kids for a lovely weekend break. Your children watching as the track fades into view and always knowing exactly where they’ve been. But not where they’re going. A bit like TMC Costin unfortunately!

Alas, the cars were not a great success despite how innovative the design. Bankruptcy in 1987 arrived with only 39 cars built. The technology was licensed to US firm Panoz. They redesigned the body, dropped in a Mustang engine and called it the Panoz Roadster.  Does that count as an Irish car legacy?

Finally, there’s the star of the show. It’s a car I’ve referenced several times, the story known to all with an interest in cars. The Delorean DMC12 was manufactured in Dunmurry, N. Ireland. Propped up by government funding until failure set it, it remains the one true Irish car that has a genuine legacy.

Derided at launch, it has undergone a renaissance in recent years. It’s now considered a flawed classic. As much for the associated legend as for the engineering. If you don’t know the story look it up, it’s a remarkable fable. What ’s more, the DMC12 is one car the Irish can claim as their very own and, to be fair, they can feel proud too.

So far, so Irish. But what about the Welsh? Well, they do have one car manufacturer they can reference. The Gilbern car company. An ungainly partnership between a German engineer and a Welsh butcher.

They launched the Gilbern GT in 1959. The engineering-based on BMC mechanicals starting again with the Austin A55. Later cars included the Genie and the Invader. All used engines from various British cars from the mainstream canon.  Have a look at some pictures. These are good-looking cars. Outwardly, they looked purposeful; something you’d love to own and drive.

The company soldiered on under different owners until 1973. The final prototype was the astonishing T11 a beautiful wedge-shaped sports saloon. The only one built is on the showing circuit. Restored in 2009, it’s utterly unique, it’s a pity more weren't made. Hopefully, I’ll encounter it one day.

It goes without saying both the Irish and Welsh have a broader car culture than implied here. Both nations make significant contributions to car industry supply chains. Many excellent components are made in these countries.

The fact that they haven’t produced cars in volume is a shame. As we know, mass construction for the UK is largely centred in the West Midlands. Perhaps Ireland and Wales are just too far from the action.

More’s the pity though. As we have seen, when these nations have a go they make some interesting, some may say, challenging cars. As meagre as it is, it does constitute a legacy of sorts that I hope someone toasts on their national days.

If you’re celebrating, have a great day and, as ever, happy classic car motoring!

As Flat As A...

Is it February already? Where did January go? It’s a sign I’m getting old that time flies by so quickly. I can’t even remember what I did in January it disappeared so fast. So now, as Christmas becomes a distant memory, new ways to sell us stuff are in the pipeline. Valentine’s Day is one of the primary product sets. Shop assistants are putting the festive nonsense into the stockroom. The shelves are already full of schmaltzy rubbish to help us proclaim our affection. Lest we suffer a month in stony silence for not making enough romantic effort. Good luck with that!

But, this won’t be the theme of my blog this month. There’s another tradition we can discuss. I'm talking about Shrove Tuesday. The start of Lent as denoted by Ash Wednesday that follows a day later. A religious concept where we give up something we enjoy to atone for our sins. I think that’s the idea. We’ll make the sacrifice until Easter arrives and we've served our penance.

In the days of yore, Lent started with a feast. Princes and paupers alike would raid the larder and eat the things they were to forgo for the next few weeks. For some reason, this amounted to a bit of flour and some eggs. Not much was it? Today we mark this occasion on Pancake Day. Now is it me or these proceedings a bit bizarre?

As Shrove Tuesday dawns, you’ll hear people saying something like, ‘I love pancakes; they’re my favourite’. Usually, before they scurry off to Morrisons to buy a bag of ready-made pancake mix. In the past, I’ve asked: ‘Love them, do you? How often do you eat them?’ Usually they say, ‘every Pancake Day’. I enquire further. ‘You love them so much you only eat them annually?’ Pancakes it seems are the culinary equal of Brigadoon. You can only enjoy them fleetingly.

So what are you giving up this Lent? Apart from pancakes of course. As classic car owners are there motor-related things we can do to demonstrate our piety? There are options, as I will show.

You could opt not to drive your classic. It’s that simple. And it’s not bad advice. Salty roads and icy conditions are a wicked combination at this time of year. Winter weather is not classic-friendly. If you refrain from driving your motor, you’ll avoid these potential hazards. And if you still pay road fund license there’s a few quid saved to spend on Easter eggs too.

What about giving up classic car TV? There’s a lot of it about at the moment. Car SOS, Salvage Hunters Classic Cars, and the decidedly dodgy Goblin Works Garage. A thrice-weekly fix of oily fingered entertainment, however patchy. Could you go without? Opting instead to watch moribund soap operas. Or celebrities demeaning themselves for our unseemly entertainment. As penance goes, it’s too easy. This is nowhere near tasking enough. We need something with a bit more bite. Something that will seem like a genuine loss.

How about not being able to talk about or discuss your car? I’m sure we all enjoy chatting with others about our pride and joy. We’re all guilty of levering the subject into our daily discourse. What if this were verboten? It’ll be especially trying if you extend this to avoiding engaging others when they ask about your car. To add a bit of spice what if there’s a sanction such as donating to charity every time you crack. That might offer a reasonable degree of challenge.

OK, one final suggestion for a car-free Lent, the most taxing of them all.

Let’s cut cars altogether. No car action at all. Until Easter, you’re on the bus, train or tram. If you absolutely need to use a car it can only be a taxi. Time to download the Uber app methinks. As automotive abstemiousness goes, this is the full dose. But think about it. There are many who manage perfectly well without a car, so it’s not that far-fetched. 

Yes, it’ll be disorienting if you’re used to jumping in a car to go about your business. Convenience will have to give way to considered planning and intimate knowledge of public transport schedules. Dare I say; you might even walk a bit more. You don’t need me to tell you that’s good for you. Don’t discount this Lenten commitment; it’s not as mad as it sounds. And I’ll be sure to wave at you at the bus stop as I drive by.

So, whatever you’re planning to give up at Lent do ensure you do it for the right reasons. If any of you do opt for my car-related suggestions, let me know and definitely tell me how you got on. As for me, I will enjoy my annual plate of over-thick pancakes with the usual words on my lips. ‘I don’t see what people see in these!’ In fact, I’ll probably then give up eating pancakes for at least a year. Nothing surprising there!

Happy Lent everyone and, as ever, happy classic car motoring.

Vive La Resolution

Happy New Year everyone.  Hope you had a great Christmas and that Santa has left you replete with his festive bounty. No doubt you’ll have indulged, imbibed and revelled. Now maybe, you feel a little guilty about your Yuletide excesses. 

Don’t worry, 2018 is a fresh year and the possibilities are endless. So much to achieve. So many ideas to pursue. We call these aspirations resolutions. We make commitments to ourselves to get fitter, richer, happier.  We envisage the ‘new me’: a better, more thrusting version of the person you saw in the mirror throughout 2017. 

It’s time for the world to meet You 2.0. It’s exciting, isn’t it? 

Of course, like anticlimactic describes the festive season, our aspirations crumble to ashes.  As New Year 2018 fades in the memory,  so do our resolutions.  And yet, life continues as before. What was all the fuss about?

To explore this theme, without worrying about whether they’re achieved, let’s have some fun. I’ll  list the most likely New Year’s resolutions only a classic car owner might have. Those little victories make 2018 the best year ever for you and your car.

Sell your classic

Let’s start with the most radical option. Sell it! Yes, you read that right. Maybe 2018 is the year you say goodbye to the rollercoaster ride that is classic car ownership. Time for someone else to take on the stresses and strains. Imagine. No more worrying about rust or reliability. No more Googling for spare parts that cost the earth. In 2018, you can tour the shows and when appropriate say: ‘I used to have one of those’. Then off you stroll with a wry smile and a pocket full of cash. Sounds good, eh?

Finally, investigate that rust

You resolve to investigate the patch of rust that turned up in 2017. Shouldn’t be too bad, you think. Then, as you give it a gentle poke it gets a little bigger.  So you continue. Soon, what seemed a benign cosmetic fix becomes a full-blown oxidisation explosion.  Arrrgh.  

Let’s face it rust is our enemy. It loves to find its way into our beloved motors. It’ll sit there eating its way into your pride and joy laying waste to all the metal in its path. It’s the same for any seemingly minor job on an old car. Once you get started on a fix it soon balloons out of control as you find issue after issue. If you want a happy New Year, ignore it, for the time being at least.

Say goodbye to the MOT

Is 2018 the year we say goodbye to the dreaded MOT? The nail-biting event where you subject your car to an inspection by someone who hasn’t a clue what they’re looking at. From thence, a litany of trouble ensues if things have gone particularly awry.  Soon, this may be just a formality.  A test certificate is longer required due to the care classic owners lavish on their cars.  Or so it’s assumed.

Let’s unpack that a bit. You’ll be able to drive an ancient car without the need for a test.  An ageing machine that uses antediluvian technology like drum brakes and incandescent lights.  A vehicle festooned with pointy chrome and tyres so thin you could use them to slice cheese. And not an airbag in sight. Whilst I’m no fan of the MOT and the costs that might follow, at least I get a heads up if my motor’s not doing so good. 

Do Europe (and beyond)

Let’s live the dream. Jump in the classic and drive off to Europe whilst we still can. Take to the lovely empty French roads on the way to the sunny south. Tough it out on the hectic byways of the Italian Riviera. Try to max your car on the German autobahns as you storm towards Berlin. The whole continent awaits the intrepid few.  Assuming that is you don’t have to tow your car off the ferry due to unforeseen mechanical issues.

Buy another classic

Is 2018 the year you’ll take leave of your senses and buy another classic? Yet another money pit to part you from your cash. That way madness lies one would think. It would depend on the state of your finances, of course. However, as I’ve written before, should you take the plunge remember the old maxim. How do you make a small fortune from classic cars? Start with a big one!

A full mechanical and body restoration

Is 2018 the year for the full resto’?  Pamper your motor to glistening perfection. Sort it all out and make it really nice. Well, if you’re prepared, why not? In fact, make your car as good as you can. You might end up living in it. Soon mounting costs, unforeseen issues, escalating problems and overrunning work will get a grip. Unfortunately, 2018 might be the year you need to downsize the house. Restoring is a big, bold decision, so good luck with that.

Attend more shows and drive-outs

Finally, one that we can all manage. Why not make 2018 the year you go to as many events as possible. Shows, drive-outs and rallies. Don’t worry about the weather,  get out there and get involved. One of the great pleasures of ownership is standing in a field talking shop with people of similar ilk. It may seem strange to others but who cares. This may be the one resolution you can achieve this year.

I hope my list has inspired you. Some may be horrified or have better plans in tow. No matter, as long as you’ve got fire in your belly and are having a go. 

I’ll conclude by wishing you all the very best for 2018.  And offer my best wishes for whatever you have in store for the year ahead.  

Festive Fromage

Is it Christmas? I’m afraid so. Seems to come quicker every year. Time to spend cash you don’t have. Eat food you don’t really need. Drink more than is healthy for you. And watch bad TV including the same tired old films.

It sounds like I don’t enjoy it. Well, that’s not entirely true. At least I get to sit down and write this blog to vent my ire about the festive season. So it’s not all bad I suppose...

Amongst the many complications, Christmas poses for me is working out what I can write. How, can I find another car-themed angle to slag off the festive season in this moribund blog?

Then it dawned on me.  This is after all one of the cheesiest times of year with all its faux goodwill and obligatory excess. So, I decided to embrace it in a similar spirit. Seek out the most egregious festive fromage and deliver it to you by the bucket load.

I made it my mission to find as many cars as I could that have a Christmas theme. Sounds like a tall order you would think. Even so, with only a bit of Googling, I soon had enough spurious material to make you regret you ever read this piece. But, if you do decide to read on, why not settle back; grab a seasonal glass of eggnog and a mince pie to sustain you. It’s time to get cheesy. Brace yourselves.

Mazda Carol

I’ll start easy. Carols are an essential part of a traditional Christmas. Joyful ruddy-faced people singing their hearts out on the doorstep. ‘We wish you a Merry Christmas’ and all that. Maybe they drove to your neighbourhood in a Mazda Carol.

In the UK, it’s actually a Suzuki Alto. Still very apt of course. In whatever case, you try to look joyous as you open the door and they blare out their hymn. But as the song plays out, in the back of your mind you’re concerned about all the heat that’s escaping. You’re also hoping you have some loose change because, well, a fiver’s a lot of cash!

Riley Elf

Every time I see a Riley Elf, I have the same thought. ‘What the hell is it?’ I think I’d have the same reaction if I saw an actual Elf. Is it a Mini with a superiority complex? A peculiar mechanical homunculus. Did they put fifties features on the innovative Mini to appeal to conservative punters?

To my mind, the Elf was a bizarre attempt by Marketing to make the Mini sell well in the shires. I suspect the badge engineers of the 1960s posed it as a joke. How surprised they were when it got a green light? As for me, I don’t get it. Even all these years later. A bit like Christmas in fact.

TVR Vixen

Christmas is a time when plastic abounds.  Toys, wrapping, decorations, shopping bags, Lidl sausage rolls, are all made of plastic. So is the TVR Vixen. Santa’s plastic reindeer if you like. Add the fact that TVRs were built in Blackpool, one of the most plastic, tacky places on Earth, and it becomes clear. The fibreglass TVR Vixen is an obvious candidate for this festive list. I’m sure you’ll agree.

Blitzen Benz

From the ridiculous to the sublime. Another reindeer, but one of unicorn-like rarity and legend.  Only six of these cars were made in 1909. Aerodynamically designed, it had a 21-litre engine that used chains to drive the rear wheels. It was quite a beast.  Its purpose was to break the land speed record, which it successfully did in 1911. It achieved a dizzying 141 mph. Some cars transcend the ordinary and the Blitzen Benz is one of them. Maybe Christmas 2017 will be that extraordinary too.

Hyundai Santa Fe

Did I save the best for last? Hardly. The Hyundai Santa Fe is the weakest car on the list. I’ve cynically used one small aspect of the car’s name and twisted it out of context. All for my shoddy contra-Christmas purposes. Shame on you Anthony!

If anything, this literary conceit illustrates the seemly aspects of the yuletide season. An idea stretched to breaking point. Where mundane products get a makeover. All to make them more festive, and more expensive. Where high expectation meets with crushing disappointment. Where after so much preparation, it’s all over so quickly. Leaving expanded waistlines, rubbish to dispose of and a sink full of washing up.

Is it that bad?

I hope that many of you will take issue with my stance. Choose to embrace the season of goodwill with a rib-crushing bearlike hug. Good for you.  You are the Yang to my Yin and I congratulate you for it.  Balancing the shade with the light is what makes our world somewhere worth living.

If I were to be very candid, I don’t actually mind Christmas that much. True, you’re unlikely to find me wearing a Santa hat as I do my Christmas shopping. But I’m doing the shopping nonetheless. Buying my loved ones something they’ll like to thank them for putting up with me during the year.

So I hope you’ll believe me when I say I hope you have a great Christmas and a stonking New Year. If you’re out and about in your classic over the festive season, do take care. Don’t forget, it’s only a few short months before we can again gather in a field somewhere. To again indulge our love of all things old and mechanical. 

Till 2018, y’all take care of yourselves!

Remember, Remember

The Fifth of November. The gunpowder treason and plot; I know of no reason why gunpowder treason should ever be forgot. So goes the old rhyme, sung by everyone at this time of year.

Bonfire night is a distinctly British tradition. It's a night when we ooh! at fireworks with all their colour and noise. Children and adults will enjoy a surfeit of toffee apples and Parkin. And they'll warm their hands on a bonfire as they watch a 'Guy' melt. Then again, we may stay at home because it's raining.

Whether you participate or not, Guy Fawkes Night is when we remember that crimes against the monarchy have dire consequences. It’s where the opening poem originated. The burning of a Guy is symbolic of a notorious traitor - Guido Fawkes. On 5th November 1605, he unsuccessfully tried to blow up the Houses of Parliament along with King James I. He and his cohort were caught, tried and gruesomely executed for their treachery.  

Bonfire Night hammers home the message that high treason is rarely forgotten. The crime still exists on the UK statute book and remains a serious one. However, long imprisonment is now the penalty.

So far, so historical but where are the cars?

Well, over the years, there have been a number of events where a car has been at the centre of a treasonous plot. At this time of year, it seems apt to have a look at some of these vehicles and the part they played. So, as fireworks pop and fizzle up above and bonfire smoke perfumes the autumn air, let’s have a look-see...

1963 Lincoln Continental Convertible

For John F Kennedy his car was not the only thing with a soft top once Lee Harvey Oswald had finished his work. Orthodoxy has it he assassinated the President on 22nd November 1963 but there are many who disagree.

Taking aim from the Texas Book Depository in Dealey Plaza, it’s claimed Oswald ended Kennedy’s presidency. The assassination kicked off a litany of conspiracy theories that rage to the present day. Linked to this most notorious of crimes is the Lincoln Continental in which Kennedy and his wife travelled. It will remain a defining image of one of the most shattering and well-remembered days in post-war history.

1914 Gräf & Stift Double Phaeton Drop Head.

Gavrilo Princip is the most famous man that most will only vaguely know. The man who in June 1914 assassinated Archduke Franz Ferdinand in Sarajevo. The murder precipitated the events that caused The Great War. And the mass slaughter that came thereafter.

If that wasn’t bad enough, sheer dumb luck delivered the Archduke into Princip’s hands. Franz and his wife had survived the initial attempt on their lives earlier in the day.  Princip had fled the scene, but several onlookers were injured.

Ferdinand decided to visit them in hospital. En route, the chauffeur of the convertible Gräf & Stift Double Phaeton took a wrong turn. Into Franz Joseph Street where Princip happened to be. He seized this second chance, raised his gun and the rest, as they say, is history.

1942 Mercedes-Benz W142 Convertible

Whilst some treasonous acts may be considered shocking, others should be seen as just desserts. In the case of the 1942 assassination of Reinhardt Heidrich a leading Nazi, never was anyone more deserving.

Described by Hitler as "the man with the iron heart", historians view him as one of the darkest figures of the Nazi high command. His tenure as Acting Reich-Protector of Bohemia and Moravia saw a ruthless scourge of these occupied Czech provinces.

It’s little wonder that Jan Kubiš and Jozef Gabčík were sent to assassinate him. On 27^th May 1942, they hijacked his open top Mercedes in Prague intending to shoot him. Alas, their British Sten machine gun jammed and they had to improvise by throwing a bomb under the car. This fatally injured Heidrich and he died a week later. The cause of death was sepsis caused by embedded horsehair from the Mercedes’ seats. And of course his arrogance in travelling in an open top car without protection.

1962 Citroen DS19 Prestige

We’re here again. But with good cause, I hope you’ll agree. In 1962, pro-Algerian militiamen set upon President Charles de Gaulle as he travelled in a DS 19 Prestige. As machine gun fire peppered the scene the presidential DS, although bullet-ridden, was able to drive away at full speed. Despite having two tires shot out. The plot was duly foiled.

De Gaulle acknowledged that the hydraulic suspension of the DS saved his life. It had compensated for the tire damage enabling a quick getaway. The event was recreated in The Day Of The Jackal for those who want to see what happened. Once caught, the conspirators were tried and executed by firing squad. Maybe they cursed Citroen’s innovations as the fatal shots rang out.

What can we learn from these treacherous tales of woe?

Well, if you do happen to be head of state, the lessons are clear. Don’t use a convertible car. As we have seen, they don't offer much protection. Have a good chauffeur. One that knows where he’s going and can put his foot down when needed. Try to be nice to your subjects. It won’t help in all cases, but it should improve your chances of not dying.

Finally, favour a hydraulic Citroen as your stately conveyance. Assuming it starts in the morning, it’ll enhance the chances of returning you to your palace in the evening. Any other choice might mean your term as sovereign crashes and burns.

Much like the Guy on a seasonal bonfire. Funnily enough...

Hell on Wheels

So summer’s all but gone. Winter is coming. As the nights close in, our thoughts turn to darker themes. Like the cold of the coming months. The carpet of dead autumnal leaves that symbolise the inexorable circle of life. The sadness of putting our cars away, safe from the salty roads until the 2018 show season.

What do we have to look forward to? Well, there's Bonfire Night. And the bizarre thing they call Black Friday. Where did that come from? Of course, the misery of Christmas approaches too (more on that in the December blog).

First up on this roll call of melancholy is All Hallows Eve. Halloween as it's known. A night brimming with faux horror. Of costumed children running around begging for sweets. When exasperated parents try to carve spooky images into a Tesco pumpkin. Wondering how their life went so badly awry. Pound shops all over the country will be selling hordes of cheap, ghost-themed crap. All as we descend into yet another so-called ‘holiday’ based on the US commercial model.

Having depressed you, perhaps you expect me to lift the mood with something chirpy. Sorry, not this time I'm afraid. I've decided to embrace this crepuscular theme in this month's blog. It’s my Stygian contribution to the unwelcome changing of the season.

We all enjoy our cars and have no reason to fear them per se. Unfortunately, even the most mundane car can transform into a sinister icon. Usually when associated with evil people or grisly events. So, this Halloween here's my rundown of some of history's most infamous vehicles.

Why not lock your doors, turn the lights down low and read on. If you dare that is…

1968 VW Beetle

We all know an evil person conceived the Bug. By exploiting the engineering genius of Ferdinand Porsche the ‘people’s car’ was born. Not the best start. It was the British Army and some Californian hippies who rehabilitated the car’s image. By the mid-1960s, the Beetle was in vogue.

Unfortunately, Ted Bundy spoiled the party. In the seventies, he used his 1968 Beetle to commit a series of appalling murders. Maybe, his non-threatening Bug helped to lure the doomed women into Bundy’s clutches. Perhaps the anonymous nature of the VW helped him to hide in plain sight, evading capture.

It took too long to apprehend him and too many lives cut short. In 1989, he too met his destiny in Florida’s electric chair. His VW is on display in a Washington museum.

Is this woman doomed?

1934 Citroen Traction Avant

We're back on planet Citroen. Before the DS, there was the Traction Avant. The world’s first mass-produced, front-wheel drive car. And few would disagree that the TA moved car production forward a good few notches. They were advanced, fast and surefooted. With low-slung looks, the TA cemented Citroen’s reputation as an innovative carmaker.

Many will associate the TA with George Simenon’s perspicacious detective Maigret. But sinister types liked them too. The cars were so good Gestapo officers favoured them during the occupation. The French mafia were also fans. Both used the car for their dark agendas. None of which were in the Citroen sales brochure I'm sure.

A great car. But not always in a good way

1966 Buick Electra 225

Many famous people have met their end in a car accident. James Dean, Eddie Cochran, Grace Kelly, and Marc Bolan all suffered a vehicular demise.

Jayne Mansfield was arguably the most notorious. A fifties starlet with a racy reputation. Some would pun that she had a big future in front of her.

Alas, in 1967 a fatal encounter between her Buick and a tractor ended all that. It's said she was decapitated in the accident. At least lurid headlines claimed so. Apparently, it's not true but that's cold comfort at best. If there's good here, it's that legislation required that future farm vehicles had to fit a protective barrier. Known as a Mansfield bar they helped to prevent future fatal occurrences.

1956 Austin Westminster A90

In the Thien Mu Pagoda in the Vietnamese city of Hue, there's an infamous motoring artefact. In 1963, Buddhist monk Thich Quang Duc drove to Saigon in a battered pale blue Austin Westminster A90. On arrival, he sat down at an intersection, doused himself in petrol and burned himself alive. All in a dramatic protest about religious freedom.

The image captured at the time is an iconic piece of photojournalism that will be familiar to all. The car is now a religious relic and a unique example of how even a humble car can become a symbol of devotion. It's a grisly way to make a point though.

1966 Chevrolet Impala

All good ghost stories should leave the reader slightly disquieted at the denouement. If there's a conclusive ending, it rather misses the point to my mind. Luckily, we have the mysterious Zodiac Killer. He terrorised Northern California in the late sixties with his serial murders.

It's generally thought he used a 1966 Chevrolet Impala to aid his misdeeds. He claimed a death toll of 37 people in his bizarre zodiac inspired letters to the press. Frighteningly he was never caught, he could still be alive. Even today, he may be pulling the cover from a mothballed Impala and thinking ‘it’s time’…

We can't blame the cars for any of this misfortune, can we? They were inert accomplices to the various sticky ends we have discussed. It's only the addition of an evil or unlucky person that guarantees their place in infamy.

The testament to this is that none of the cars involved was shunned for their part in these misfortunes. We can still see many of them at shows and tootling around on a pleasant Sunday drive. I hope that thought will reheat your bones a little.

So, whatever you're doing this Halloween do enjoy yourself. And of course, sleep well and don't have nightmares. Toodle pip…