Too Commercial?

Way hey! It's Christmas everybody. Time to empty our wallets and fill our bellies as we overspend and indulge ourselves on foodstuffs the papers say will probably kill us. And so it will continue until we stagger bleary and blinking into the New Year and straight into a depressing English January. Heavier, poorer and wondering again what all the fuss was about. Deja vu anyone?

It all getting too commercial it's said and I agree but it did give me an idea for the theme of this month's festive scribblings. You see, if we believe what we're told, a big man dressed in red with a long white beard, is going to land on all our roofs in a massive reindeer-drawn sleigh and proceed to stuff himself down the chimney. At the bottom he's going to expertly remove the gas fire and deliver a slew of gifts of varying quality and desirability. As he leaves he'll eat half a mince pie and neck a warming slug of sherry before buggering off to the next house. 

If you multiply that by all the houses he'll visit on Christmas Eve you'll have a man who, even after delivering to a single street, is arguably too pissed to drive any kind of vehicle and has a cholesterol level fit for the Guinness Book of Records.

Then, it dawned on me. Santa's sleigh must be a truly remarkable vehicle. It's able to carry huge loads, is highly manoeuvrable and even with quite some miles on the clock it's very reliable. It's actually the ultimate commercial vehicle. And so it was I came to realise that there’s a whole raft of interesting vehicles, much like Santa's sleigh that will need to do some pretty heavy work to ensure that we're not disappointed this coming yuletide. Vehicles that need to be well-built, tough and dependable but which you won’t find at the average weekend car gathering. These are the unsung commercial vehicles. The workhorses of our everyday lives. 

They do the unglamorous lugging about of people and ‘stuff’ and all without us offering a scintilla of thought about the service they give, the design effort that went into them or the positive, nay essential, contribution they make to our existence. Not only that, but many from the past, like our cherished cars, are now bone-fide classics. So, for a moment, put aside your need for polished chrome, period radios and neatly trimmed interiors and consider briefly this inadequate listing of some of my favourite utilitarian road warriors.

Route Master Bus

The classic Route Master bus, I can just about remember in the early seventies these behemoths, liveried in orange and white, rolling out of the old Stockport bus station. The driver in the half cab at the front and clippie issuing tickets on the passenger decks. They were wide open at the back to allow for last second boarding and alighting of people shopping for their Christmas comestibles. They were designed so that they could be driven on a standard licence by virtually anyone who could drive a car. I can’t see any of it being tolerated nowadays. Issues of security, health and safety, efficiency or danger to the public would all be brought forth. 

And yet, the classic red Route Master bus is an image as quintessentially British as Beefeaters or public drunkenness. It’s estimated some Route Masters had nearly three million miles on the clock before being retired although just how much of them was original by the end is debatable. Nonetheless, these were sturdy vehicles made to last in harsh stop-start use. And what service they gave.

Citroen H Van

Part of me thought this might be one Citroen too many for you given my previous articles but you can’t ignore the fact that the distinctive, ridged H series vans have started to become almost commonplace in the UK.  Most have been converted to fashionable catering vehicles and are appearing in droves at festivals or as retro city-centre pop-up eateries. Indeed, I got flyer for an event recently which gave details of the mobile caterers attending, seventy percent of whom were using H vans.  

Apparently, there’s such an insatiable demand for these vehicles that they can’t be imported from France quick enough. It’s understandable though. This is what these vehicles were designed for: to park up on market day in any given French town and get on with selling. With loads of head room in the cargo bay, a side panel that opens to create a serving counter and bags of space inside for catering equipment and supplies. Love or loathe them they remain a practical and interesting vehicle from which to run a business.

Black Cab

The classic black cab is as ubiquitous as rainy days in an English summer. I sure we’ve all at some time been slumped in the back of one after a Christmas party watching the meter spin ever faster as you get closer to home.  I was always intrigued by the name of the company that used to make them: The Manganese Bronze Holding Company. Doesn’t sound very engineering-related does it? 

The current version, the TX1 model, is quite high-tech with, climate control and intercoms for the driver to share his cogent views on politics but to be honest I still like the earlier FX model(s). Talking of which. I recently heard an apparently true story about the design process for the latest version. It goes that drivers who were canvassed about the upgrade cared less about their own comfort than you might expect.  Instead, they were more concerned with the rake of the rear bench seat. Why?  Because on all previous versions it was just steep enough to allow the change to slip from a tipsy passenger’s pants pocket into the seat join to be collected later as an unofficial bonus for the driver.  That says it all doesn’t it?

Ford Transit Series

Another mover of 'stuff' but this one drives like a car. Some, I think, had the same engine as the Ford Capri which is pretty cool in itself. I wonder how many fledgling rock stars would not have made it to gigs, house extensions gone unbuilt, Christmas consignments undelivered or banks left un-blagged if it weren’t for the nimble Transit van. I like the original design which definitely had the look of a vehicle designed on the cusp of the sixties and seventies. 

They are still made today of course and most examples you'll see out and about will be filthy, decorated with a copies of the Daily Star and have chip paper lining the carpets like so much shredded Christmas wrapping. As a teenager me, and other members of my youth club, were transported on holiday to Bexhill-On-Sea in the back of an early eighties model all perched on homemade wooden bench seats screwed to each side of the cabin. Would that be allowed today?  I shouldn’t think so...

Hindustan Ambassador

I read recently the Hindustan Ambassador, India’s longest serving taxi cab, has ceased production after nearly six decades. Not surprising given that they were all at heart a Morris Oxford III from 1956 and remained much the same until their recent end. By modern standards they were obviously very rudimentary, with lumpy leaf spring suspension, graunchy engines and the turning circle of the International Space Station. It was only a matter of time before they finally lost their affection with the Indian populous who have developed an increasing taste for the comforts and performance of more modern motors. As for me, I have fond memories of my trips in these tough little cars whilst I was working in India. 

My longest trip in an 'Amby’ was from New Delhi to Agra to see the Taj Mahal. Me and some colleagues hired a driver and spent four hours (each way) bouncing along on the insane Indian roads with me prostrate on the back seat suffering from acute Delhi Belly, overdosed on Imodium and shivering profusely due to my fever and the car’s excellent air conditioning. Fair play though, it got us there and back.

Piaggio Ape

Another utilitarian wonder.  It’s basically a Vespa scooter turned into a van/pickup/taxi/coffee shop/advertising hoarding. Designed to negotiate the narrow meandering alleyways of Italian cities it has achieved worldwide fame (along with the similar Lambretta Lambro) due to its use as a 'Tuk Tuk' in various Asian countries. 

The smallest has just a 49cc motor and a driver’s cab, heater and windscreen wipers! Capable of carrying 200 kgs at 30 mph it’s a minor miracle. Initially I thought the name was weird but actually it makes sense: if Vespa means wasp in Italian then Ape means bee – simple!

So this Christmas when you've eaten your fill, drunk yourself senseless and broken all your presents give a brief thought to all those vehicles that, unlike you, are working hard, even on the 25th. Working to enhance and support our lives. They like the true spirit of Christmas are easily forgotten and as we sally forth into the New Year we should take a moment to acknowledge that we owe them more than we give them credit. 

So with that thought I'll sign off by wishing a Merry Christmas to one and all!

                                                                      Copyright Anthony Boe 2014.  All Rights Reserved