Sunday 3 December 2017

Festive Fromage

Is it Christmas? I’m afraid so. Seems to come quicker every year. Time to spend cash you don’t have. Eat food you don’t really need. Drink more than is healthy for you. And watch bad TV including the same tired old films.

It sounds like I don’t enjoy it. Well, that’s not entirely true. At least I get to sit down and write this blog to vent my ire about the festive season. So it’s not all bad I suppose...

Amongst the many complications, Christmas poses for me is working out what I can write. How, can I find another car-themed angle to slag off the festive season in this moribund blog?

Then it dawned on me.  This is after all one of the cheesiest times of year with all its faux goodwill and obligatory excess. So, I decided to embrace it in a similar spirit. Seek out the most egregious festive fromage and deliver it to you by the bucket load.

I made it my mission to find as many cars as I could that have a Christmas theme. Sounds like a tall order you would think. Even so, with only a bit of Googling, I soon had enough spurious material to make you regret you ever read this piece. But, if you do decide to read on, why not settle back; grab a seasonal glass of eggnog and a mince pie to sustain you. It’s time to get cheesy. Brace yourselves.

Mazda Carol

I’ll start easy. Carols are an essential part of a traditional Christmas. Joyful ruddy-faced people singing their hearts out on the doorstep. ‘We wish you a Merry Christmas’ and all that. Maybe they drove to your neighbourhood in a Mazda Carol.

In the UK, it’s actually a Suzuki Alto. Still very apt of course. In whatever case, you try to look joyous as you open the door and they blare out their hymn. But as the song plays out, in the back of your mind you’re concerned about all the heat that’s escaping. You’re also hoping you have some loose change because, well, a fiver’s a lot of cash!

Riley Elf

Every time I see a Riley Elf, I have the same thought. ‘What the hell is it?’ I think I’d have the same reaction if I saw an actual Elf. Is it a Mini with a superiority complex? A peculiar mechanical homunculus. Did they put fifties features on the innovative Mini to appeal to conservative punters?

To my mind, the Elf was a bizarre attempt by Marketing to make the Mini sell well in the shires. I suspect the badge engineers of the 1960s posed it as a joke. How surprised they were when it got a green light? As for me, I don’t get it. Even all these years later. A bit like Christmas in fact.

TVR Vixen

Christmas is a time when plastic abounds.  Toys, wrapping, decorations, shopping bags, Lidl sausage rolls, are all made of plastic. So is the TVR Vixen. Santa’s plastic reindeer if you like. Add the fact that TVRs were built in Blackpool, one of the most plastic, tacky places on Earth, and it becomes clear. The fibreglass TVR Vixen is an obvious candidate for this festive list. I’m sure you’ll agree.

Blitzen Benz

From the ridiculous to the sublime. Another reindeer, but one of unicorn-like rarity and legend.  Only six of these cars were made in 1909. Aerodynamically designed, it had a 21-litre engine that used chains to drive the rear wheels. It was quite a beast.  Its purpose was to break the land speed record, which it successfully did in 1911. It achieved a dizzying 141 mph. Some cars transcend the ordinary and the Blitzen Benz is one of them. Maybe Christmas 2017 will be that extraordinary too.

Hyundai Santa Fe

Did I save the best for last? Hardly. The Hyundai Santa Fe is the weakest car on the list. I’ve cynically used one small aspect of the car’s name and twisted it out of context. All for my shoddy contra-Christmas purposes. Shame on you Anthony!

If anything, this literary conceit illustrates the seemly aspects of the yuletide season. An idea stretched to breaking point. Where mundane products get a makeover. All to make them more festive, and more expensive. Where high expectation meets with crushing disappointment. Where after so much preparation, it’s all over so quickly. Leaving expanded waistlines, rubbish to dispose of and a sink full of washing up.

Is it that bad?

I hope that many of you will take issue with my stance. Choose to embrace the season of goodwill with a rib-crushing bearlike hug. Good for you.  You are the Yang to my Yin and I congratulate you for it.  Balancing the shade with the light is what makes our world somewhere worth living.

If I were to be very candid, I don’t actually mind Christmas that much. True, you’re unlikely to find me wearing a Santa hat as I do my Christmas shopping. But I’m doing the shopping nonetheless. Buying my loved ones something they’ll like to thank them for putting up with me during the year.

So I hope you’ll believe me when I say I hope you have a great Christmas and a stonking New Year. If you’re out and about in your classic over the festive season, do take care. Don’t forget, it’s only a few short months before we can again gather in a field somewhere. To again indulge our love of all things old and mechanical. 

Till 2018, y’all take care of yourselves!