Trabi-tastic!

The last time I visited Berlin was in early 1990. The Wall had only just been breached by hordes of hacked off East Germans but much of this oppressive structure was still there. But by that stage it was no longer a political barrier and thousands of East-siders, free from years of soviet-backed tyranny, were flooding into the consumerist west to gorge themselves on the many desirable western goods they'd long been denied. But there was still a restricted flow eastwards across this disintegrating divide and I didn't get to visit the DDR on that occasion. I could only peer at it, all grey and lifeless, through the arches of the Brandenburg Tor and wonder what is was like in there.  

Checkpoint Charlie, the heavily guarded interchange in the former American zone, was still an imposing military installation but in late 1989 it had witnessed the highly symbolic drive through of many Trabants as they burst, stinking and noisy, into a world where these cars were viewed as one of many travesties that could only be produced by a centrally-planned, socialist economy.

Happily we visited Berlin again recently and this time stayed in and toured the east. How things have changed. We visited the DDR museum and discovered that those living on the socialist side of the wall seem to have been trapped in a sort of time warp reminiscent of seventies Britain. They wore garish nylon clothes, suffered from intermittent hot water and heating in their gloomy, overcrowded flats as they watched joyless television on the three available channels. There was a constant air of paranoia as their society was being surveilled by anonymous Stasi officers ever-ready to imprison or interrogate recalcitrant citizens for failing to comply with the socialist orthodoxy. 

For those who fell victim it was probably a bit like the sinking feeling we got in seventies UK when the power was cut just as Doctor Who was starting. And worst of all, they drove one of history's most terrible and miserable cars. Even crappier than the rubbish motors the UK motor industry produced in the days of Glam Rock.  

Admittedly, we in the UK had a choice of dodgy cars whereas those in the DDR really only had one choice: the Trabant, and they had to wait up to sixteen years before they could get one. Talk about adding insult to injury.     

An anything but 'green' Trabbi

When you research these cars you can only wince at how crushingly bad they were. The body was made of Duraplast which like was a cross between Bakelite and fibre glass. This stuff was absolutely indestructible and insidiously poisonous making it impossible to recycle cleanly. They had a tiny 600cc two-stroke engine requiring uneconomical levels of pre-mixed petrol and oil. At 29 bhp they could manage only 62 mph whilst delivering an unimpressive 40 mpg. 

The engines were noisy and lumpy and pumped out a voluminous white-blue smoke with the oily smell you'd associate with a classic British motorcycle. The column shift was vague; the lever giving only an approximation of which gear you were in at any point in your journey. The unpowered steering was surprisingly light and responsive but the stupid placement of the pedals, offset awkwardly to the right, made the driving position supremely uncomfortable. Imagine the clutch being where you'd expect the gas pedal to be and you get the idea. The brakes were similar to the ones from a classic Mini; adequate but strangely wooden. The interiors were drab and plasticky with little aesthetic thinking involved. Nonetheless, they were quite roomy and had a usable, large boot making them reasonably practical in a godforsaken kind of way.

You might be wondering how I know all this. Well, I'm pleased to say we decided to do a 'Trabi Safari' courtesy of Trabi World during our visit to Berlin. This is where you drive one of a convoy of Trabants with other game drivers whilst the lead car traces the route and offers tourist info' over a Tannoy radio. We chose a factory-spec' Amazon green car but could have had a car repainted in polka dots, rainbow stripes or even leopard spots. There were also estate and cabriolet versions available. 

Our standard version ran, as you might expect, like an absolute dog. We feared it would stall at any time in the heavy downtown traffic but, to be fair, it kept going, the engine popping and lurching alarmingly as we took on the busiest roads and intersections of the German capital. On the tour we cruised by the many highlights Berlin has to offer leaving a noxious, funky haze in our wake. 

Occasionally we were separated from the main herd when we missed the lights or allowed pedestrians to cross, but those in front duly pulled over and waited until we caught up and off we went again driving ever-deeper into the road-madness of one of the busiest capital cities in Europe. Once you got the hang of the gears and bizarre pedals you could actually enjoy the driving experience and make good use of the low-end pep on offer (which rapidly disappears as soon as you try to engage fourth gear). I'm pretty sure our experience of the weird gear changes on the 2CV and DS helped us in our transition to piloting a Trabi. 

What was amply demonstrated was that as indifferent cars go the Trabant makes the top ten list every day of the week. They define: awful, horrible, dirty, badly-made, crappy and perfectly symbolise why collective economic planning simply couldn't produce decent quality goods. Without the profit motive there was simply no incentive to do so. However, on the modern byways of unified Berlin, we were greeted with waves and smiles as tourists enjoyed seeing what today is a rare car on German roads.

Having said all that I think to own a Trabi - even ironically - would be be quite fun. Unique even. It'd be great just to pop to the shops in occasionally. Timing is everything of course. In 1989 when the Easterners swarmed to the west they immediately jettisoned their Trabis for better capitalist cars. Many Trabis were given away for free. Even today, as they have dwindled in number, you can still get a runner for less than €2000 the indestructible body as perfect as when it left the factory (just don't ask about everything else!). 

If you visit Berlin definitely give the Trabi Safari a go. It might not endear you to the car itself but if it does nothing else it might make you appreciate your own classic more, (even when it decides to play up). And remember, at least you have a choice of what you can drive which was more than the poor East-Berliners had!

                                                                     Copyright Anthony Boe 2015.  All Rights Reserved

The End Of The Road

In my last couple of blogs I've been musing about both the past and the future. I've pondered on how accidents of history have shaped some aspects of our classic car world, about unsung commercial vehicles and how modernity is inexorably eating away at our collective passion where even the very act of driving may become as antediluvian as an eight track car stereo.  I must be at that pivotal stage of my life where I have approximately equal amounts of both past and future which may be disquieting me a little. Symptomatic of this is that nostalgia is no longer as comforting or entertaining as it used to be. The memories are getting just a little too far away now.

But I try not to let dark thoughts distract me (most of the time). To do such a thing would be futile but it can't be denied that someday hopefully in the distant future we won't be here anymore. And soon after that we'll probably be taking our very last 'car' ride in a unique type of vehicle known as a hearse. 

Now here's a question for you. What type of vehicle is this? Is it a commercial vehicle? A long estate car? Public transport? A taxi for the existentially challenged? Or is it something in its own right? Probably the latter. What I do know is that when you join the end of a queue of slowly moving traffic you soon stop raging and swearing under your breath when you find it’s a funeral cortège as opposed to a milk float, a learner driver or simply somebody who thinks doing 25mph is their civic duty. Respect in these cases is still, and always should be, due.

No one would disagree that these cars should, by their nature, be stately, discrete and in some way classic after all they are one of the final tributes to a person whose lifetime voyage has ended. We all deserve to have our final journey in a vehicle of quality, distinction and taste. Classic hearses craving our admiration are coach-built Daimlers, Jaguars, Mercedes, top-end Rovers or even Rolls Royces. And yes, if you're asking, Citroen did a very nice DS version as well. All were top of the range cars carefully adapted for their solemn purpose with dignified veneered woods, fussy chrome 'thingies' on the roof, glossy black coachwork and discrete landau bars. Proper classy. But have you seen a modern hearse recently? What absolute mingers many now are! A good number I see are based on bog standard Fords and even Japanese marques. 

Worse still, they have an unpleasant hydrocephalic look about them, all top-heavy and distended with far, far too much glass. Like some kind of grim mobile greenhouse. Reliable they may be but I'd have to confirm if you said I'd be on my way to the grave in one of these indifferent horrors I'd reply: 'over my dead body'.

As with many things in life there's potentially a commercial angle here for the budding entrepreneurs amongst you. I would suspect, like wedding and prom cars, there's a good business to be made from saving older hearses, restoring them to muster and hiring them to those who want to go out in real style and not in an ugly, unnecessarily-practical, modern version. The enterprising and mechanically talented of you might see the possibilities.

But hey, if you're reading this and feeling a little blue, don't be depressed you're not dead yet, so smile and enjoy your life. Perhaps in this spirit reflect on the idea that instead of being considered something of the shadows we should acknowledge that hearses do as important a job as any other vehicle and always in difficult circumstances. What's more, many older versions are interesting, well-built conveyances as much deserving of our admiration as any other classic you can think of. It's a pity we don't see more of them on the showing circuit. I'd certainly stop to admire one.

Classic Mercedes hearse being used by an antique business - Berlin March 2015

Interestingly, I've already done several journeys in a classic hearse and not, as you might think, because I was an undertaker or the like. No! You see, in my fast-departing youth I was a 'Goth'. I wore lots of black clothes, had long straggly hair and was pale as a vampire (and proud of it). I listened to noisy, dark bands that rarely graced Top of the Pops. 

As a sub-culture, Goths liked the stygian imagery of Transylvanian castles, misty graveyards and thunder-clapped skies. One of the Goth's most desired accessories, should they have been able to afford it, would have been a classic hearse to cruise around in. And I had a mate who actually bought one; a regal five-litre Daimler. Worse for wear but roadworthy. We had a day out in it once or twice: two ghostly young men laughing and barging around in a massive funerary vehicle visiting not a chapel or a funeral home but parks, supermarkets and pubs. 

The looks we got ranged from amused, bemused, confused to the outright horrified. But you know, in spite of what we were driving, what we had a great time - enjoying our lives - and so should you...

                                                                        Copyright Anthony Boe 2015.  All Rights Reserved

Star Cars

There are some cars that are destined to blend into the background unsung and never appreciated as anything but a day-to-day conveyance. Then there are some that rise through the ranks to fame and recognition. Often these are the cars we desire, admire eulogise about but sometimes for one reason only; they have had fame thrust upon them by television producers and film directors. How many of you have cars that have played a significant part in major films or TV shows? Quite a few I'd wager. I wonder, given availability and some imaginative effort if we muster a significant display based on this theme. Just for fun like!  If I were to list my favourites they’d be:

Aston Martin DB5 

It goes without saying this is the classic James Bond car first seen in Goldfinger where its range of deadly after-market additions supplied by Q Branch, including the infamous ejector seat, saved 007’s hide on more than a few occasions. Actually, thinking about it, if you could put a Lotus Esprit and a 1930 Blower Bentley (Ian Fleming’s vision of Bond’s car) on the same spot we'd have a grand display before we’ve even got going.

Ford Mustang/Dodge Charger

No prizes for guessing the Ford is the car that Steve McQueen bounced around the steep, swooping streets of San Francisco in Bullitt in one of the most famous movie car chases in celluloid history but for my money the more powerful Dodge is the one I’d prefer to own.  Clad in black and unfeasibly long, the Charger was the perfect villain’s choice both for its throaty V8 menace and its thuggish looks. It’s notable also for the skill the stunt drivers showed in coaxing such an adrenaline-pumping, hub-cap-popping performance out of what is a veritable whale of a car.

Volkswagen Beetle

Ah the ubiquitous Bug. Perhaps not the most exciting car in the list but when presented in white with a circled 53 decal on the doors it becomes Herbie the anthropomorphic Beetle from the eponymous film series. As a kid I loved watching these films usually on a wet Holiday Monday.  I always thought I’d like one of these but went in another direction in the end.  However, if I had unlimited funds there would be one in my garage. Do you think Hitler would have approved when he developed these as the German people’s car?

Hillman Imp

We’re off piste a bit here. But the plucky Scottish-built Imp with its boxy shape, alloy engine and dodgy rubber doughnut driveshaft was the automotive star of the largely forgotten TV series Man in a Suitcase. Not sure if the suitcase referred to the car or the man’s luggage and I only vaguely remember seeing this as it played in the afternoons on ITV back in the days when there were only three UK TV channels (and most shut down for a siesta in the afternoon). I nearly bought one of these for my first car but was talked out of it by my Dad. Still have a soft spot for them though especially the estate version: the Hillman Husky.

Citroen DS

Here I go again: bangin’ on about me motor. What will I reference you wonder?  Day of the Jackal, Scarface or, worse, some obscure French film no one’s heard of?  Actually the ‘D’ got a really good showing in the recent film version of Tinker, Tailor, Soldier Spy ferrying the perspicacious George Smiley around as he searched for the mole in MI6.  Arguably it was the perfect conveyance for Smiley to use as he pondered the clues, cushioned from the outside world by the spongy suspension and generally enjoying the excellent rear leg room. I have one to display if needs be!

BMW 5 Series

Fairly bog standard you might think but in terms of making our display, quite easy to source I would have thought.  However, it is the star of one of the other great film car chases from The Transporter with Jason Statham. Filmed in the south of France whoever drove that car was a genius and helped to create a truly great bit of celluloid car madness.

The Austin Mini Cooper

Michael Caine: ‘You’re only supposed to blow the bloody doors off!’ Nuff said…

Peugeot 403 Grand Luxe Convertible

I had to include this.  The rare, but battered, car of my favourite TV detective Columbo. You usually see it back-firing into shot about a third of the way through an episode when the murder has been committed and the dishevelled cop turns up in it to start his relentless badgering of the criminal. This is the only detective show where it’s actually an advantage to know who’s done the dirty deed so you can watch as Lt Columbo grinds out his case against them. If you're an owner of these remarkable vehicles I'm envious; I'd love to own one. Oh and just one more thing….

Reliant Regal Super Van iii (preferably in yellow)

Often incorrectly described as a Reliant Robin, and much maligned on Top Gear, this is the Trotter family’s grimy workhorse from the much-loved UK sitcom Only Fools and Horses. I’ve always been fascinated by these fibreglass three-wheeled oddities and they do look surprisingly practical for the small business person. I would love to have a drive of one of them just for the hell of it.  Not sure why…

So that’s it. An eclectic list I’m sure you’ll agree. What would you include?  Morse’s Mk 2 Jag?  Simon Templar’s P1800 Volvo? Bodie & Doyle’s Ford Capri?  Each to their own I suppose so perhaps you could write out your list and we can start an ongoing theme...

                                                                        Copyright Anthony Boe 2015.  All Rights Reserved