Hell on Wheels

So summer’s all but gone. Winter is coming. As the nights close in, our thoughts turn to darker themes. Like the cold of the coming months. The carpet of dead autumnal leaves that symbolise the inexorable circle of life. The sadness of putting our cars away, safe from the salty roads until the 2018 show season.

What do we have to look forward to? Well, there's Bonfire Night. And the bizarre thing they call Black Friday. Where did that come from? Of course, the misery of Christmas approaches too (more on that in the December blog).

First up on this roll call of melancholy is All Hallows Eve. Halloween as it's known. A night brimming with faux horror. Of costumed children running around begging for sweets. When exasperated parents try to carve spooky images into a Tesco pumpkin. Wondering how their life went so badly awry. Pound shops all over the country will be selling hordes of cheap, ghost-themed crap. All as we descend into yet another so-called ‘holiday’ based on the US commercial model.

Having depressed you, perhaps you expect me to lift the mood with something chirpy. Sorry, not this time I'm afraid. I've decided to embrace this crepuscular theme in this month's blog. It’s my Stygian contribution to the unwelcome changing of the season.

We all enjoy our cars and have no reason to fear them per se. Unfortunately, even the most mundane car can transform into a sinister icon. Usually when associated with evil people or grisly events. So, this Halloween here's my rundown of some of history's most infamous vehicles.

Why not lock your doors, turn the lights down low and read on. If you dare that is…

1968 VW Beetle

We all know an evil person conceived the Bug. By exploiting the engineering genius of Ferdinand Porsche the ‘people’s car’ was born. Not the best start. It was the British Army and some Californian hippies who rehabilitated the car’s image. By the mid-1960s, the Beetle was in vogue.

Unfortunately, Ted Bundy spoiled the party. In the seventies, he used his 1968 Beetle to commit a series of appalling murders. Maybe, his non-threatening Bug helped to lure the doomed women into Bundy’s clutches. Perhaps the anonymous nature of the VW helped him to hide in plain sight, evading capture.

It took too long to apprehend him and too many lives cut short. In 1989, he too met his destiny in Florida’s electric chair. His VW is on display in a Washington museum.

Is this woman doomed?

1934 Citroen Traction Avant

We're back on planet Citroen. Before the DS, there was the Traction Avant. The world’s first mass-produced, front-wheel drive car. And few would disagree that the TA moved car production forward a good few notches. They were advanced, fast and surefooted. With low-slung looks, the TA cemented Citroen’s reputation as an innovative carmaker.

Many will associate the TA with George Simenon’s perspicacious detective Maigret. But sinister types liked them too. The cars were so good Gestapo officers favoured them during the occupation. The French mafia were also fans. Both used the car for their dark agendas. None of which were in the Citroen sales brochure I'm sure.

A great car. But not always in a good way

1966 Buick Electra 225

Many famous people have met their end in a car accident. James Dean, Eddie Cochran, Grace Kelly, and Marc Bolan all suffered a vehicular demise.

Jayne Mansfield was arguably the most notorious. A fifties starlet with a racy reputation. Some would pun that she had a big future in front of her.

Alas, in 1967 a fatal encounter between her Buick and a tractor ended all that. It's said she was decapitated in the accident. At least lurid headlines claimed so. Apparently, it's not true but that's cold comfort at best. If there's good here, it's that legislation required that future farm vehicles had to fit a protective barrier. Known as a Mansfield bar they helped to prevent future fatal occurrences.

1956 Austin Westminster A90

In the Thien Mu Pagoda in the Vietnamese city of Hue, there's an infamous motoring artefact. In 1963, Buddhist monk Thich Quang Duc drove to Saigon in a battered pale blue Austin Westminster A90. On arrival, he sat down at an intersection, doused himself in petrol and burned himself alive. All in a dramatic protest about religious freedom.

The image captured at the time is an iconic piece of photojournalism that will be familiar to all. The car is now a religious relic and a unique example of how even a humble car can become a symbol of devotion. It's a grisly way to make a point though.

1966 Chevrolet Impala

All good ghost stories should leave the reader slightly disquieted at the denouement. If there's a conclusive ending, it rather misses the point to my mind. Luckily, we have the mysterious Zodiac Killer. He terrorised Northern California in the late sixties with his serial murders.

It's generally thought he used a 1966 Chevrolet Impala to aid his misdeeds. He claimed a death toll of 37 people in his bizarre zodiac inspired letters to the press. Frighteningly he was never caught, he could still be alive. Even today, he may be pulling the cover from a mothballed Impala and thinking ‘it’s time’…

We can't blame the cars for any of this misfortune, can we? They were inert accomplices to the various sticky ends we have discussed. It's only the addition of an evil or unlucky person that guarantees their place in infamy.

The testament to this is that none of the cars involved was shunned for their part in these misfortunes. We can still see many of them at shows and tootling around on a pleasant Sunday drive. I hope that thought will reheat your bones a little.

So, whatever you're doing this Halloween do enjoy yourself. And of course, sleep well and don't have nightmares. Toodle pip…

Can I have an e please Colin…?

I'm not sure when it dawned on me. Perhaps it was when I saw a couple of them parked together and thought ‘do they all begin with an e?’ There's an old one parked up near me. It never seems to move but I decided to saunter over and have a look. And lo and behold, its badge read Europa. Maybe it was when I asked the question ‘what the hell does Exige mean?’ Was that the moment the penny dropped? Who knows? Nevertheless, my brow was sufficiently furrowed for it to start to bug me.

Whatever the reason, it all came into focus at some point. A realisation that had been staring me in the face for years. Of course, you all know by now what I'm talking about. The fact that all Lotus car model names seem to start with an e. And they’re weird words to boot. So, in my never-ending quest to find content to fill these pages, I decided to look into this and understand how this came to be. And whilst this thesis doesn't hold as much water as I would hope, it does have some mileage. So let's have a look.

I mentioned recently that my interest in Lotuses (Lotusi?) was fueled by the tricked out Esprit used by Roger Moore in his Bond films. The white wedge of turbocharged death. With guided missiles and excellent waterproofing, it was the Dinky toy I coveted above all. In later life, I came to understand that this was a prop made for a film. I learned that Lotus is a brand that has produced many interesting cars besides the Elite. Not all of them that waterproof.

And many of which start with an e…

Do they all start with a damned e?

To prove my point, try this. List all the Lotuses you can remember. Straight off the cuff, no Googling. Here goes: Elite, Elise, Europa, Exige, Excel, Elan and the errr…Seven. That's all I can do. So, after phoning a friend you’ll find there's also: Evora, Eleven, Éclat and Exos. They even had a small city car in the pipeline called the Ethos, which they cancelled.

That's a lot of e words. Not all actual words to be slightly critical.

Lotus started as a racing team as most will know. Founded in 1952 by the legendary Colin Chapman, the company made high-performance racing cars. They soon built an enviable reputation for developing world-beating track and formula cars.

In this time, a normal driver could only buy a Lotus in kit form for road use. The most iconic of these being the Seven.

The e tradition started in 1957 with the kit based Elite. Until then, the cars had a numerical designation laid out in roman form. This approach actually lead to the e series. When the Eleven was developed, Chapman liked the way it looked written down in words and the e series nomenclature was born.

So even when they rejected the kit car format and moved into producing finished cars the e tradition endured. Other than that, there doesn't seem to have been a grand plan. Just cool or appropriate e-words applied to each car after little or no brainstorming. For example, Elise it's said was the name of a Lotus Chairman’s granddaughter. That’s random!

Bizarrely, this realisation has caused me to worry for Lotus. They're locked into a pattern where they have to find interesting e words to apply to their cars. They started plundering other languages for some reason. Exige and Evora are Portuguese words believe it or not. Worse still, Evora translates as Yew tree of all things. I'm sure if they worked a bit harder, they'd find some great words in the e section of the OED.

Given the terrible financial problems that besieged Lotus in the 1980s maybe they couldn't afford a dictionary. They got caught up in the DeLorean malarkey. Combined with other dubious financing machinations, things quickly started to disintegrate. The stress of this helped to end Colin Chapman’s existence and he exited the world at the early age of 52.

A Chinese company called Geely now owns Lotus, (just like many other formerly British businesses). Happily, it still makes cars at its UK base in Norfolk. And what good cars they are. Cool, fast and all with a strange name that starts with an e.

So, to give me some closure I thought I would wrack my brains and try and think of some good e-based English words. To name future Lotusi.

Here's what I've come up with. Endeavour, Eclipse, Endure, Effulgence, Emoji, Elvira, Enteritis and Egregious, which is perhaps the most apt.

There must be something there they can use. Perhaps, you have some better ideas, so send them in! 

Until next time…