So goes the old joke.
For those who haven’t heard it:
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Irish
stew. Irish stew who? Irish stew in the name of the law.
Boom boom and all that! Not the
best joke in the world. Not even a joke by modern standards. Not even funny to
our sophisticated ears. It has graced the mottoes of Christmas crackers since
Moses was a teenager.
I know, I know. What’s he banging
on about this for you wonder. Well, remarkably, I do have a point. Have a look
at the following picture. It’s of a Ford Crown Vic American police car owned by
an acquaintance.
It was bought via a specialist
website, and imported to the UK. It’s fully functional by the way. With blues
and twos sirens, security cage and even a gun box in the trunk (no firearm
though). To all intents and purposes, it’s still a viable US police car. It
also reminded me of the Irish stew joke for some reason.
It’s a very powerful machine with
a 4.6 litre V8 block. Festooned with external devices for ramming and halting
cars in police chases it could do some serious damage if used as designed. You
wouldn’t think it would be allowed. Wonder what insurance group it is?
In the UK, our police have
equivalents to this monster. Usually souped-up BMWs, they prowl the A roads
late at night looking for TWOKKERS and other miscreants. It wasn’t always the
case though. There have also been some well-dodgy cars used to protect and serve
us.
So I thought I’d do a quick
survey of some of our less effective police cars. Tragic examples that have sullied
our roads over the years. I’ll mention some of the best too.
Morris Minor et al
Am I old enough to remember a
Moggie police car? I’m not sure. Even so, they certainly existed, as did with
Minis, Metros and Austin A35s. Known as Panda cars in cuddlier times, they
pottered around in bucolic idylls and leafy villages where crime is never
committed. Places like Midsomer, Ambridge or St Mary Mead.
The nearest they would come to a
high-speed chase would be in pursuit of a drunken farm hand. They would draw up
alongside him as he tottered home on his bike. No doubt after too much scrumpy
cider in the village pub.
Austin Allegro
Ah, my old favourite. Yes, they
used Allegros as police cars. I will write that again. They used Allegros as
police cars! Just google a picture of one with comical blue lights plonked on
top like a clown’s hat. You can imagine criminals bursting into fits of
laughter at the thought of them. And as for being caught in the act. They'll
have hopped it whilst the coppers tried to start the godforsaken thing. Good
grief.
The most desirable
To be fair, not all early police
vehicles were criminal choices. There have been some desirable offerings too.
The Daimler SP250 Dart being a good example. Acquired for their speed, they easily
chased Ford Anglias or Austin Cambridges that had crept up to a dizzying 32 mph.
More accurately, these powerful
cars were acquired to catch high-powered MK2 Jags or burly Ford Zephyrs. Not
sure what they did when they apprehended the ne'er-do-wells though. Let’s face
it, there’s not a lot of room in the back for handcuffed crim’s is there?
Mark 2 Jags, S Types & Rover P6
That’s more like it. Cars with a
bit of grunt. Ideal to chase down the bad guys. Brought into service due to
police drivers pleading for decent wheels I'd wager. With too few arrests in
the cheap city cars they’d been issued, it was getting embarrassing. Other
constabularies opted for the 3.5 litre Rover P6. Whilst maybe not as
prestigious, they were still good for the job. Bet traffic officers arrived at
work early to get the good cars in those days!
Range Rovers (various)
Still used today. The four-wheel
drive Range Rover is certainly a sensible choice for a motorway cop car. These
vehicles have to give service in all sorts of difficult conditions so they need
to be competent. With a solid engine, room for useful stuff and excellent road
stability, early Range Rovers were a solid choice and marked a turning point.
One where the Fuzz finally realised that good, utilitarian cars were not a
false economy.
Probably the best of the bunch
would be the Mark 2 Ford Lotus Cortina. A great car with a brilliant engine.
Looked at today, these fantastic cars seem too good to be mixing it with
low-lifes on the motorway network. But as historic police cars go, it's the
best of the bunch: practical, fast and very, very cool.
Let’s stay safe out there people…
I’ve done a few pieces on working
cars in previous blogs. These are the unsung vehicles that tough it out day
after day. Those used by the boys and girls in blue work as hard as any others.
All to keep us safe and preserve the peace. But they’ve made some bizarre car
choices over years, as we have seen.
Today, they have muscular cars
with state of the art kit. Modern police cars bristle with crime busting technology
that make a wrongdoer’s capture inevitable. My advice is not to tangle with
them at all. Especially if you’re out and about in your classic. It won’t end
well, methinks.
