Monday 14 December 2015

Christmas Cars...

Here we are again: another Christmas blog. I’ve decided this time to take a more relaxed approach to the festive season. In the last entry I ranted, railed against and besmirched this time of goodwill to our fellow men, women and children.  

I was totally inhospitable to what is a period of celebration when many of you take the time to reflect on the past year, plan for the new and thank your lucky stars for the many blessings that have been bestowed on you in 2015, especially in your hobby of classic car appreciation. As such, may I apologise to you for any ill will this may have kindled in your heart.  

So, hopefully, Santa will bring you all your hearts desire all you need to hope is that he doesnt visit me first because Im going to let the tires down on his sleigh. Yah Boo Sucks!

So, as we plunge headlong into the joyous chaos of yuletide 2015 I thought Id take some time to identify some of the key vehicles youre likely to encounter in the feast of entertainment that will be strewn before you in the TV schedules.

Chitty Chitty Bang Bang (1968)

Or as its known in our house: Not Bloody Chitty Chitty Bang Bang Again. Theres a common pub quiz question which asks who wrote this whimsy and their link to James Bond.  Most will know the story was written from a hospital bed by Ian Fleming (for his ill-fated son Caspar) as he recovered from one of his many life-style related illnesses. Its interesting that Fleming was pretty consistent in providing his fictional heroes with tricked-out vehicles although CCBB was less deadly than some of Bonds conveyances. 

CCBB itself was actually a series of bespoke-built cars made especially for the film with the drivable versions having a beefy three-litre Ford engine. Having said that, I must have sat through this confection so many times over the years that I simply cant do it again. Not without going mad. So its fair to say this film is definitely not my little choochy face. In fact, the only bits I still like are the scenes with the terrifying Child Catcher. Lollypop anyone?

TT Special Triumph 650: The Great Escape (1963)

Not actually a car but certain to make an appearance in the inevitable screening of The Great Escape over Christmas.  The keen-eyed will wonder what we were doing supplying the Nazis with our sublime Triumph motorbikes for Steve McQueen to ‘borrow’. Although they did have to disguise it as a BMW to make it contemporary to the film.  

Unfortunately the German bikes just werent up to the job of jumping into the barbed wire or indeed of keeping up with Steve on his TT Special so they had to film the sequences carefully to keep up the excitement. Despite the fact that Ive seen this film more times than I care to remember, I still live in hope that one day, when I watch it again, that Steve makes the jump successfully.

Mini Cooper The Italian job (1969)

I’ve written a lot about this car (and film) and Im not going to cover old ground yet again.  Just to add my comment re the end of the movie as the coach teeters over the edge of the Italian alpine road and Michael Caine turns to the camera and says: Hang on lads, Ive got a great idea.’ Here’s my idea: show a different film ITV4!

1959 Cadillac 355 ‘Commercial Chassis’ – Ghostbusters (1984)

With the re-make due for release in 2016 its pretty certain that the original Ghostbusters films will be rolled out sometime in December.  I dont mind them to be honest and thought Bill Murray et al were highly entertaining as inept ghost botherers.  The vehicular star, known as Ecto 1, was a 1959 Cadillac 355 Commercial Chassis customised by the Miller-Meteor company into a utility vehicle. In this case it was an end loading ambulance/hearse combination which seems appropriate for the subject matter and was further modified with other such ghost hunting paraphernalia by the production company. 

It’s another example of an ordinary working vehicle resurrected to a superstar status that wouldnt have even been considered when it was originally put into service. Hence its value has increased exponentially. I wonder if we could do the same with some of the woeful cars the UK pumped out in the seventies. Ghost hunting Montego anybody?



Who ye gonna call?  Ecto 1 in Manchester July 2016
Panther-Westwinds De Ville – 101 Dalmatians (1996)

Panther-Westwinds were a unique British company created in the mid-seventies by a man called Bob Jankel. Based at the historic Brooklands racetrack they developed a series of highly distinctive vehicles including the Lima and Kallista sports cars and the indifferent, log-like, Rio. All were based on the running gear of mainstream cars such as Vauxhall Magnum and Triumph Dolomite but with striking bodies and styling produced by Panther themselves

Related to this it’s almost certain that the above film will be front and centre in the schedules this Christmas. And the vehicle that Cruella De Vil (Glenn Close) uses in her murderous quest for 101 Dalmatian pelts is one of the flagships of the marque: a Panther De Ville.  To be fair,  its a match made in heaven as this rare, neo-classically styled car was described by Jankel as appealing to the taste of: nouveau riche customersi.e. the kind that might wear animal fur. If youve seen one youll know they are an imposing, stately machine reminiscent of a Bugatti Royale but based on reliable and solid Jaguar engineering. Apparently two of the 60 De Villes made were bought by Elton John and Oliver Reed.  

Thinking about it, if you combine those two using that machine out of The Fly someone very like Cruella De Vil would undoubtedly emerge.

Of course, there are many others I could have mentioned (and have in previous missives) that may be seasonally paraded on the tube this year: Herbie the VW, any number of Bond cars, a time travelling DeLorean or even a bat mobile or two.  But whatever they wheel out for your viewing pleasure may I hope its part of your enjoyable Christmas sprinkled with lashings of festive cheer. See you in 2016

Monday 23 November 2015

Make Mine A Jag!

So Christmas is bearing down on us at an alarming pace.  I wondered why the shops were all decorated in a strange way and why, for no reason I can think of, I keep humming Merry Christmas Everybody.  Oh well, here we go again.  Actually Im quite looking forward to it this year.  I mean, what could be better?  I’ll start by getting a lovely log fire going in the wood burner to toast me toes. Then Ill settle down in a big comfy chair with a glass of mulled wine and a spicy mince pie. And, as the scent of a festive pine tree perfumes the air and theres a cupboard chock-full of goodies to swell my waistline, life starts to look good. Naturally, there’s the prospect of watching loads of films and programmes on the TV. Ones that Ive seen many times before a bit like old friends who pop by to eat my diminishing box of Quality Street as I glare resentfully at them. I'm even relishing the prospect of receiving a glut of gifts that I can look forward to returning in the New Year for something that I actually might want. But better than all that. Better than a few days off work and, more satisfying than the inevitable overindulgence is the fact I get to sit at my PC, crack my fingers and write my second Christmas-themed blog article. Yes this is the missive in which I get to vent my spleen about how much I bloody hate Christmas. Fantastic!

Of course, theres always the challenge of how to relate this irksome season in some way to cars and car related stuff.  I’ll admit for a short while I thought: what the hell, forget cars and just bang on about how irritating Christmas is to me but fair’s-fair you do need a bit of automotive content so here goes.  

It’s actually quite lucky for this purpose that I was recently working with the resurgent Anglo/Indian Jaguar Land Rover. I cant tell you about the content of my work but its been quite eye-opening to see this company close up.  More satisfying, is that I was in contact with an uncharacteristically successful UK-based car company and thatunlike Christmas - has helped to warm my frigid soul. 


Some of my work has involved a number of visits to the JLR Heritage Centre in Gaydon which for a 'petrol head' is a real treat but also a bit sad seeing all the old cars I remember from my youth. It was a bit like the remains of an extravagant Christmas lunch so much hard work laid to waste with little left to show for our efforts.  The Centre is a purpose-built facility which has collected examples of the long-gone automotive products of the surrounding counties and now houses choice examples of the historic cars that were assembled over the years by the West Midlanders.  All yesteryear's motoring life is here with cars we have known and loved and quite a few that we hated. Austin, Leyland, Morris, Rover, MG, Triumph, Sunbeam. No, these are not alternative dwarves for a Christmas Pantomime but instead a roll call of the damned as the British car industry counted down to extinction like the windows on a low-quality advent calendar. The four-wheeled remnants that survive can now only be found in countless classic car gatherings and in centres such as this. 


To add to the ambience, decked around the display halls are the original rough pencil sketches that Alex Issigonis made for the Minor and the Mini as well as many examples of the tinselly advertising material that urged us to buy these varied machines.  Theres even an MGB that's been expertly sliced down the middle like a Yuletide turkey so you can see all the gibbletty widgets that lie within. As interesting, are the prototypes of familiar cars that made the commercial cut and a few that didn't and were thrown aside like unloved stocking fillers

Overall, it's well worth a visit although, unfortunately, I dont think its open on Christmas day so no 'get out clause' there Im afraid. Inevitably theres also a gift shop where you can buy model cars, books, badges, key rings, tea towels and many other sparkly offerings that you might actually want give someone as a gift. Better even than gold, frankincense or myrrh one might venture.


If theres a ray of light here, like the wise men's star, I would offer that the Heritage Centre lies at the heart of a (UK based - but Indian owned) company that is now producing cars that you might actually be proud to own.  This comes after the Ford ownership years where X-type Jags were little more than over-decorated Mondeos and turkeys like the unlovely S Type were allowed to rear their ugly heads and sully the reputation of the venerable Jag forever. 

At last things are finally looking up for JLR.  The Range Rover Evoque, Jaguar F Type, Range Rover Sport are now genuine success stories, made with passion and fuelled by brimming order books. More encouraging is that UK car workers are again helping to drive mass market, vehicular innovation in the much-maligned West Midlands. These new British cars can one day take pride of place in the Heritage centre and (hint hint) if I were to find any of these in my Christmas stocking this year it might certainly improve my dim view of the festive season.

So Ill conclude with the hope that JLR enjoys many more successful Christmases. I'm sure that they will bring festive joy to many people as they go onto greater success, employ more workers and sell to delighted consumers. I'm sure the latter, with a Christmas carol playing on their lips, will use these their exceptional vehicles to visit their friends and families over the holidays.

Do come back as I have more Christmas related things to say but as they say at this time of year you'll have to wait just a few more weeks...

Monday 2 November 2015

As Easy as One, Two Three

Hello again!  I've been away for a month or two trying to come up with some car related ideas to assail you with. During the car show season it's often easy to come up with a theme as I tour the various car-filled fields of Cheshire encountering something that piques my interest and pretty soon an article splurges forth. 

However, outside of the annual motoring firmament, things are more challenging.  

It seems this problem of inspiration is a common issue and there are others who are often tasked with coming up with ideas on a consistent basis. Whilst I was on holiday recently I happened across the Car Stuff podcast on the How Stuff Works website. The presenters Scott and Ben have had the unenviable task of finding a new car related subject to discuss every week for the past few years. 

And what ground they've covered. I won't list any here but it's worth a listen to some of the subjects they've tackled. It's interesting that they have addressed some of the same themes I've had a go at whilst writing for this blog, developed independently of each other I might add. Proof positive that 'great minds think alike' or indeed that 'fools seldom differ'.

So onto business, and another subject covered by the Car Stuff boys, but one I've been considering for a while.  A few blogs ago I wrote a little about a couple of well-known three-wheeled vehicles: the Bond Bug and its sibling the Reliant Robin. Indeed, when you ask most people in the UK to name a famous three-wheeler, most would state (erroneously) the 'Robin Reliant' before bursting into hysterical laughter. Soon after you'll be talking about 'Del Boy and Rodney' and their 'Robin Reliant' van. Again completely wrong because, as we all know, they actually drove a Reliant Regal Super Van iii. Then, a la Clarkson, they'll talk about Reliants being prone to falling over in corners again, mostly wrong, as the Robin JC abused on TV had been heavily modified to make it tip aided by some over-vigorous driving. The overall impression though is not good and perhaps not without good reason.

However, there are a quite a number of other none-Reliant three wheeled cars (TWC) we could mention, some we're familiar with, and others more obscure that, in spite of their lack of a fourth wheel, are worth discussing. Let's have a brief review of some of the luminaries in this category:

Morgan Three Wheelers

Morgan Motor Company have a long illustrious heritage of producing TWC starting in 1911 with the V Twin. Unlike the delta format of Reliant and Bond models, Morgan used the tadpole configuration for their cars: two wheels in front and one at the back. Arguably, some would say this is more stable given that the steering and powertrain offer useful weight over the front tyres. These cars had a good racing pedigree and despite being made of wood and paper-mache were robust and well-engineered. 

They recently reintroduced this configuration for the modern age as a quirky race day car with a modern 1900cc engine coupled to a Mazda gearbox. For me, when I see a one out and about, I start to get slightly nostalgic about a time when men, dressed in oily overalls and smoking a pipe, messed around with their Morgan in tumbledown sheds tinkering with bits of wood and fettling engines with rudimentary tools. And for some reason I start to hear Jerusalem playing in the background. Who'd have thought a missing wheel would do such a thing?

The Dymaxion

A portmanteau word for a mixed up vehicle. 'Bucky' Fuller, developer of the Dymaxion, car was an inventor, visionary and philanthropist who had a series of both innovative and terrible ideas. This three wheeled behemoth being in the latter category. It was 50% mobile home, 50% car, 100% death trap in which a test driver did indeed die. It was set up in tadpole format with a rear mounted 90 degree tiller steering system and a powerful V8 engine. It resembled what can only be described as a road-going airship and Fuller did foresee a day when it would also fly even despite the terrified protests of its (up to) eleven passengers.  In fact it was utterly impossible to drive, unstable in high winds and, well, just awful. Even Fuller described it as: 'an invention that could not be made available to the general public without considerable improvements.' 

Luckily it didn't get past the prototype phase. There are working versions of it in several museums in the US. Is it worth going to have a look? I shouldn't think so.
Dymaxion  - an idea too far or a wheel too few?
Peel P50

There are three legs on the Isle of Man's flag exactly the same as the number of wheels on a Peel P50 which was manufactured on the island. Acknowledged as the smallest ever production car it was a vehicle so tiny it could easy fit under the wheels of an oncoming bus without the bus driver ever noticing something had happened. 

With a 49cc engine it could do what must have been a noisy and terrifying 37mph in what was little more than an upturned wheelie bin. Worst still there was no reverse gear supplied so you had to get out to pull the car backwards which obviously meant everyone could see you and look on with eyes brimming with pity and mirth.

Isetta Bubble Car

Whilst we may only encounter BMW and Trojan versions of this car it was actually originally designed in Italy and built under license all over the world so there are lots of different variations of this plucky little micro-car. These include a pick-up and a 600cc four seat configuration believe it or not. The standard version was like all in the range was rear-wheel drive with a minuscule 300cc single pot engine which it was good on petrol and surprisingly roomy.  

The only drawback, it was claimed, was if you parked front on too near a wall you'd be trapped in it as you boarded them from the forward facing door. I'm not sure how many skeletal remains have been found in garages as a result of this but I'm sure we'd have heard of them by now. And, despite this minor irritation, it's the one on this list I'd most like to own.

The Isetta Bubble Car the original hatchfront
Mystery Car

There's one more car that's got three wheeled skills but I thought it best not to name it here to avoid annoying you. Instead, if you're intrigued, have a look at this YouTube link: http://youtu.be/VWiRxHJHNWc and then you'll understand. I shall be here at home listening out for laptops and tablets being thrown through windows with the words 'not again!' being screamed in the background.

OK that's it for this month. However, I'll start work soon on my favourite blog of the year the Christmas missive where I do my best to summon up some festive cheer. Wish me well

Tuesday 4 August 2015

Is It Safe?

I'm sure you'd agree that on a lovely day there's nothing better than going out for a spin in one's classic. Enjoying the admiring looks, the waves from fascinated children and the smiles from those who obviously have fond memories of cars long since sold for something newer.  It's easy to get distracted as you soak up your kudos congratulating yourself for your excellent choice of buying an older motor.  But that moment of self-reverential reverie might cost you dear. I thought Id mention that because of the recent accident that occurred in northern England near to Manchester airport. Did you see that in the news? A near-priceless Aston Martin DB5 utterly totalled in a collision with a Vauxhall Astra.  If the loss of such a beautiful car wasnt enough, the fact it was a mundane 'rep mobile' involved in the classic's doom makes the whole thing acutely tragicIt might have been slightly more palatable if the crunch had come at the conclusion of an exciting car chase with the DB5 driver in hot pursuit of some international baddies but, alas, it was simply an unfortunate and very expensive twist of fate. 

Ive appended the press picture of the incident below because, as the saying goes: it paints a thousand words (and so you can say 'ouch' just like I did when I saw it).  If it was my car involved I can assure you a lot of those 'words' would be utterly unprintable. Indeed, I suspect Id have innovated a number of new and unique expletives to suit the occasion.  Luckily no one was seriously hurt and thats the most important thing. 

Off to the scrap heap in the sky...

It does beg the question of all of us though: How safe are we when out and about in our classics?  Lets not forget many of our cars were built in a different age when air-bags, ABS, crumple zones and, in some cases, seat belts were still pretty much the stuff of science fiction.  And today they're older, much older. Let's face it, when they were designed the driving conditions were different and poor driving was perhaps more accepted.  Yes there were fewer vehicles on the road but there were also many more fatal accidents hence the campaigns to 'clunk click' from those we can no longer nameAnd yet even knowing all that we routinely take our precious, ageing motors out into the everyday madness of UK roads in the twenty first century. Seems a bit foolhardy on the face of it.

Here's an interesting exercise: try and get hold of some the original marketing literature for your classic and see what safety equipment it vaunts. I suspect it'll say something like: "we have provided some brakes, four tyres, windscreen wipers, 12 volt headlights, and a steering wheel for use in avoiding obstacles. In our luxury version some handy string to secure shopping to the back seat to prevent unfortunate injuries from flying potatoes." Things we take for granted as the basic parts of a car were, back in the day, considered 'features' to keep us safe.

The Citroen DS is often cited as having an unusually high number of safety gizmos even for a sixty year old design. Front and rear crumple zones were built in allied to a solid box-section chassis. The single spoke steering wheel was designed to safely collapse in a shunt rather than skewer the driver.  It's said that the engine will slide under the car if dislodged in a frontal incident. Not sure where it goes after that. The inboard disc brakes were considered some of the most powerful ever fitted to a road car, capable of temporarily stopping the world from spinning if leaned on heavily enough. I'm told US tourists in the seventies were advised not to tailgate a DS in their hire cars on the way to the south of France because if a D suddenly braked there was no chance of them stopping too. (Nowadays it's the French that will be tailgating usually in a Renault Twingo being driven at insane speed by a total cretin).

Later versions of the DS had swivelling headlights so you could see what's going to hit you from around a corner so you can prepare yourself for the collision with a hasty genuflection. They even had a stopping distance calculator built onto the speedometer that is so confusing that you could easily have an accident whilst trying to decipher it.  And do any of these things give me comfort in the modern motoring age? Do I feel safe in my DS? Do I buggery! Even with all those so-called ‘safety features’ I wouldn't want to go mano-a-mano with a modern car where it's sure I'll be the one carted off in an ambulance as the other driver looks on dusting air-bag talc off their jogging pants.

There's no real conclusion to be drawn here - it is what it is - and we accept the risks assuming they are on-the-whole largely minimised. My advice is that we all drive carefully and considerately in our classics and try to avoid driving when our chances of coming to grief are heightened. And apart from actively avoiding Vauxhall Astras and Renault Twingos the rest is down to luck, fate, karma or perhaps even faith. None of which were working very well for one unfortunate DB5 which, I'm sure you'll all agree, is a massive shame.  Happy motoring everyone. 

Friday 10 July 2015

Do You Want To Go Large?


It's funny what can happen when you're out and about. You know, you get talking, and sometimes the subject of cars comes up. While this is not always a good thing, occasionally it's a very appropriate topic, and things just flow from there. 

So when recently Carolyn and I popped into a Citroen branch to have a none-committal look at their current range we mentioned we're quite enthusiastic 'Citroenians' and one thing led to another. We discovered if you didn't know, that Citroen has decided to spin off their DS range to be grouped under a new brand called DS Automobiles. This coincides with the 60th anniversary of the launch of the original car. The Citroen name has been removed for reasons I don't really understand and which, quite frankly, will fool no one with a brain. 

Anyhow, when the salesman found we had an original DS, he asked if we would display our DS20 at the new brand launch event alongside the modern variants of the marque. 

Despite my reservations about the authenticity of giving a new car an iconic name (which has absolutely nothing in common with the highly innovative original), the commercial arrangements involved helped me to hold my tongue. More about that later and why things didn't really go to plan.

What I wanted to discuss here is my ongoing ire re the current vogue for re-launching' classic cars by aping the styling cues of the originals but basing them on modern running gear. I've had a mini (sic) rant about this in a previous blog but I'm afraid to say, despite my protestations, it's getting worse. 

Prime suspects here, as you'll know, are BMW Mini, VW Beetle and Fiat 500. All have nicked the original and creative design thinking of true pioneers like Issigonis, Porsche and Giacosa and appropriated the bits they like while discretely binning the other vital elements such as the economy, easy-maintenance, air-cooled engines, democratic appeal and smart minimalist design. 

The worse offender is, of course, Citroen for not even attempting to revamp the DS but merely appropriating the name and putting it onto a series of hot hatchbacks with not a scintilla of the styling or USPs of the classic Goddess.

Spot the DS...
It's worse than that in fact. These market-hungry manufacturers, having proven the appeal, are now expanding into new market niches with their 'historic' ranges by blowing up their first efforts into new variants known today as SUVs and MPVs and other acronyms that didn't exist when these cars were originally built. They're now creating ludicrous, steroidal versions. Look at the Mini Countryman, the new souped-up version of the Beetle and worse, much worse, the Fiat 500L. 

What the hell are they thinking? Some of the cars now look like horror-film mutations. The cute faces of the original cars are being transplanted, Frankenstein-like, onto the inflated bodies of more modern car types. They're now creating insidious Mr Hydes as opposed to the gentle and intelligent Dr Jekylls that they once were.

What irks me most is the cynicism involved and the laziness of both makers and buyers of these pastiches. Manufacturers, instead of coming up with designs that do the same things in a modern, challenging way, have simply grave robbed the past. 

But it's not as if they aren't capable of developing interesting vehicles that will cause us to do a double take. Look at the Nissan Juke or indeed the Figaro. Fiat appalled us with the Multipla and Chrysler raised our intrigued eyebrows with their PT Cruiser. Even Citroen can still innovate and provoke: look at the C4 Cactus for a great example of this. 

For the buyers of these cars, I say this: If you like and admire the looks of a classic car why not buy one? Have the whole frustrating, expense-ridden, joyful experience that comes with such ownership instead of some pale, air-conditioned facsimile. I can guarantee you'll get more of the attention and kudos you desire by doing this than from the leased and lazy motor you've plumped for. The short term thrill it gives you is, I guarantee, very temporary especially when you find everyone on your street has the exact same car.

Hey, Citroen is that a real DS?
OK, enough of that. I think you get the message. So where were we? Oh yes, we'd agreed to allow the local Citroen dealership to display our D alongside the new versions at the DS Automobiles launch event proving what a hypocrite I actually am. And, as if to punish me for my contrariness, our DS provided the sting in the tail to my story. We'd taken the D away the week before the planned event for a 'staycation', and while it had got us there without issue, it decided not to bring us back and petulantly spat off its exhaust thereby requiring a tow truck home and a big bill some days later. 

Luckily, we were able to arrange for a superior alternative DS to do the display, and the prospective DS Automobile purchasers were treated to a beautiful 1972 DS23 EFI to admire so it all worked out well for our local Citroen team. I suspect if we'd gone away in a modern DS we wouldn't have broken down at all but, then again, we wouldn't have had the smiles, questions and admiration of people along the way that only a 'proper' DS can garner. 

All this proves is that in practical terms a modern classic is undoubtedly more reliable. But in the end, it's an easy choice which is the best, and I'd still always go for the original because that's what it is - a true original - which is way more than I can say for the newer versions we have discussed!

Tuesday 26 May 2015

The Name's Bond

So the UK showing season is well under way and we're all again embedded into the ground hog process of: polish, vacuum, pack lunch, drive to, display; polish, vacuum, pack lunch, drive to, display: ad infinitum until the either a) Autumn descends and displaying your car is no longer viable or b) you finally go mad and take up fishing as a hobby.  For me and the missus, this cycle starts in early May at the Gawsworth show in Cheshire. From then we'll decide, based on the criteria of weather, time and the pretence of having other stuff to do, the other shows we'll visit throughout the year. And that will be our Sisyphean routine until the end of the car show season. Having done this for quite some years now we've become very familiar with, not only the format, but also a lot of the cars we'll see as we go. Indeed, we can now precisely name many of the car models present and also quite a few of the owners too. Which is nice.

Conversely, it's said familiarly breeds contempt and, after quite few years of this it would be easy to become complacent as you see the same cars displayed on the perennial club stands to the point you can almost predict what vehicles are going to be in attendance even before you saunter past the club's patch. I sometimes use this to my advantage as it allows me to like to sound particularly impressive and informed, especially when I'm with an ingénue to the car scene. Imagine my self-importance as I walk along nonchalantly saying: 'MGB, MGB, Mini, Mini Cooper, MGB, Midget, MGB, ooh look a Morgan etc.'

Unfortunately, in reality, it’s all a bit of motoring misdirection on my part as mainly I'm reading the name badges as I walk a few feet I front of my awed (or bored) companion. To be fair, I'm not that bad in my knowledge but this year I had what I now call a 'Gawsworth moment' where I happened upon a car I simply couldn't even guess what it was and there was no bonnet badge to illuminate me (remember my Corvair experience?). Usually when this happens a quick wander around the back of the car to examine the boot lid solves the issue but in this case I was still clueless. I stood back and appraised it some more and shakily concluded it was perhaps an early, un-badged version of the Reliant Scimitar but as Princess Anne wasn't around to advise me I still wasn't sure. Luckily, modern technology helped me so I took a quick picture of the chromed, cursive words on the boot lid with my smart phone and resolved to reference the required information later using the awesome power of the Internet. Here's what those enigmatic words said: Equipe Overdrive 6.

Bond Equipe Overdrive 6 pictured at Gawsworth Car Show 2015
By now, having read this information, most true car experts already know I was looking at a quite rare and interesting GT car made by a company called Bond.  Originally from Preston and called Sharps Commercials Ltd this manufacturer was presciently renamed as Bond in 1963 and were known mainly for making funny little three wheelers such as the overturned bathtub called the Minicar. A decade or so later they gave their name to that wedge of super-charged Red Leicester known as the Bond Bug.

The Equipe stands out in the Bond canon as it was a proper four wheel car with a decent engine and genuinely desirable, classic looks. They were based on the Triumph Herald running gear when production started in 1963 which was later upgraded to the more powerful Vitesse engine. By 1970 - the end of their production - they had evolved into credible two litre cruisers (with optional overdrive) and were very capable 2+2 GT cars offering 100 mph + performance. Their fibreglass body had a rakish, fastback look and although some styling cues from the donor cars were always discernible, the car over its production life became increasingly sophisticated and distinctive. I'd really like to see more on the circuit so I could see the developments that resulted in the very pretty car I encountered this year.

Interestingly Bond was purchased in 1969 by Reliant their main competitor who discontinued production of the Equipe (and Bond's 875 three wheeler) almost immediately presumably in favour of their own GT car - the Scimitar - which when looked at sideways is pretty similar in a lot of respects to the Equipe. If history had lurched in a different direction maybe today we would be saying: 'Look a Bond Equipe! Princess Anne had one of those.' Which actually sounds better I think.

The final car badged as a 'Bond' was, of course, the bright orange 'Bug' the three-wheeled polyhedron based on a Reliant Regal. These distinctive cars, designed by Tom Karen, still have quite a following so, if you're the sort of person who likes to zip along at 76 mph in a 700cc fluorescent chip cone, then you'd be in good company. And, even though there's so little actual car, a good example today is worth quite a bit as so few of them were made.  Although the Bug was discontinued in 1973 the basic format was used as the basis for the maligned Robin series of three wheelers which as we all know is one of the most hilarious cars that the UK has produced so it made a contribution of sorts.

Measure the angles. Bond Bud pictured at Gawsworth Show 2015
Alas, this is yet another piece about British car makers that have long since gone. Bond and Reliant, despite their innovation and distinctive approaches, have, like so many others, been consigned to the wheelie bin of history unlikely to be heard from again. An even bigger pity is that of all the manufacturer names that have gone to the wall, the brand name Bond is arguably the coolest of them all (for reasons we probably don't need to discuss here). 

Wednesday 13 May 2015

Where Are The Future Classics?

So as the 2015 showing season kicks off it seems a good time to be thinking about what we'll spend many up-and-coming weekends doing: looking at old cars. Perhaps like me you take it for granted and assume we all have a common understanding of what exactly constitutes a classic car?  But what is it that makes some cars classic and others just old and knackered? Have you ever wondered about this?  Apparently there's no firm definition of what a classic car is in the UK. According to Wikipedia at least. This august source speculates the pre-1974 cut-off date to qualify for free road tax or historic status might be significant but then again it might not.  Theres a dust-dry HMRC tax-based definition as being older than 15 years and greater than £15k in value (if its used as a company car). Finally, there is the rather nebulous: is/was the car subject to popular acclaim? None of these help much in my view.  In the US its quite straight forward. A classic is defined as being between 30 and 49 years old; simple as that. Of course, much older cars fall into other categories such as veteran, vintage, pre-war etc. but Ill leave them until another day. 

My interest in this piece is in wondering what should we buy today to have a genuine classic of tomorrow whatever the definition is? If age or tax free status is the only factor the simple answer is potentially anything. However, I suspect its more complex than that especially when looked at through the distorting lens of popular acclaim or perhaps, rarity.  On this latter point there is growing concern that a lot of mainstream eighties and nineties cars are disappearing altogether. Perhaps, as our more affluent society urged us to change cars more often, we have jettisoned our motors without thinking about posterity. This process was accelerated with the recent UK car scrappage scheme and was further aggravated with many historic car companies going bump (Rover anyone?). These issues, when coupled with an increasingly homogeneous supply, means fewer truly distinguished cars were/are being made. This could mean that the supply of even everyday 80/90/00s classics in twenty  years may be severely limited which, despite their indifference as cars, may ultimately count in their favour value-wise.

The core problem is that most modern cars have all gone through the sausage machine of NCAP safety standards, bean-counting bureaucracy and globalised markets. Yes they may be safe, comfortable, economical, and long-lived but mainly theyre boring as heck and all look the bloody same. Can you imagine walking along a line of Kia Ceeds or Toyotas Priuses at your local car show in 2040? I can feel my eyes glazing over even now.  Therell be precious little chrome garnish. No interesting hood ornaments. No smell of un-burnt petrol. No interesting mechanical details to discuss as you look, bewildered, into the well stuffed engine cavity. Instead, itll be just line after line of dull, benign, aerodynamic mediocrity.  All airbags and plastic bumpers.

When I look at the cars of today I really cant see what Id want to appear on the showing circuit when Im in my dotage. Please note, Im not talking about Ferraris or Bugatti Veyrons here but cars that the average person might actually have on their driveway. Annoyingly I find myself gravitating towards the re-worked classics but dont really want to.  Yes Im talking about you BMW Mini, Fiat 500, and VW Beetle! Surely thats cheating. Rehashing the nostalgia of past classics by putting retro bodies onto a Punto or Golf chassis. Yes they may look the part but wheres the innovation? And, whilst we're on the subject, what are they doing making big-assed Minis and huge, ugly Fiat 500s? Surely the original USPs of these small, economical cars-of-the-people has now been spectacular missed?

My only hope is that cars of the future will be so remarkable, so revolutionary, that todays cars will look classic in comparison. You never know, by then the internal combustion engine may be as antediluvian as steam power is today. Perhaps cars will no longer exist as we know them and well all be travelling around in hovering, noiseless aer-o-cars?  More likely, as fossil fuels run out, theyll all be horrible little eco-boxes that try to squeeze as much mileage as possible out of a litre of fuel as itll cost the literal arm and a leg by then.

Despite all that, Ive racked my brains to come up with some interesting ideas of what might count as a future classic and now my head hurts.   But there are some potential contenders so I offer:  Chrysler PT Cruiser: even though theyre terrible. Fiat Multipla: unpleasant to look at for any length of time. Tata Nano: a valiant but futile attempt to make a genuine economy car for the 21st century. The G-Wiz: awful but conceived to solve a problem. Citroen C4 Cactus: definitely an acquired taste. Range Rover Evoque: pretty four-wheeler despite the interference of a spice girl. Lotus Exige: affordable sports madness. TVR Tuscan: beautiful, fast and ultimately doomed. Skoda Yeti: competent off-roader (and crypto VW). Nissan Juke: quite possibly the most gopping car on todays roads. VW Sirocco: with its alluring curves. Chrysler 300c: muscular if nothing else.

You might have other thoughts but I think the real solution is to keep our current true classics in good shape so they can still go to the shows of the future and, depending on what definitions are in use, your motor will may very well be reclassified as a veteran or vintage by then.

Thursday 30 April 2015

Fantasy Cars

I'm sure we all dream about our fantasy car from time to time. You know the one: the out of reach sublime motor we hope someday to own. Whilst you might be more than happy with your current classic I'm actually talking about the elusive, exotic and wondrous mechanical creation you'd buy and cherish if you had the unlimited funds required to obtain and maintain such a machine.  Of course, the super-rich, like Jay Leno for example, have been able to make such fantasies come true but even they must desire cars so rare, so few in number, they elude their influence and economic muscle.

For me there are plenty of cars I'd really like to have. Those with good memories will recall some of my previous blogs where I've eluded to them. I've referenced the quirky Hillman Husky, a well-sorted Mini Cooper or a cranky Citroen SM with its six-pot Maserati engine. Unmentioned thus far is a Jensen Interceptor, a Mark 10 Jag and perhaps most exotic of all a Pontiac Aztek; just for shits and giggles I should say and not for making crystal meth. Naturally, this could be a very long list but then I thought: what about cars we've all seen but which we can never really own because, well, they don't truly exist?  I'm talking about the fantasy cars of the movies and popular fiction. Cars that in the minds of their creators have been uniquely modified to help the story, aid the hero or simply to add some mechanical dimension to the entertainment. Here's a few examples so you get the idea:

Doc Brown's Delorian DMC 12

Great Scott! Much has been written about the Delorean DMC 12 not all of it nice. Aficionados know it was envisaged as a high-end sports car designed to offer a truly innovative contender in this market sector. It was planned, on paper, to use new lightweight materials, innovative production techniques and have a radical chassis design to support its mid-slung Wankel engine. Sadly all of these intentions were whittled back one by one by lack of cash, inadequate technology, politics, and bad luck. The eventual stainless steel bodied car with rear mounted PSV engine was compromised in almost every way when it launched in 1981 during one of the deepest recessions in recent memory. Predictably things didn't go well and only 9000 were sold. Pretty soon the car was being consigned to bad car history. It was only when it was transformed into a time machine in Back To The Future that it became a fantasy motor. We all know that at  88 mph it was able to travel through time using Doc Brown's flux capacitor. And like the fabled Phoenix, the DMC 12 has in the intervening years gained a legendary status that transcends its difficult birth. I'd certainly have one if only to travel back far enough in time to place a decent bet on The National so as to avoid the bloody donkeys I always seem to favour.


Delorean DMC 12 on display at JLR Heritage Centre Warwickshire
The Bat Mobile

There have been a number of bat mobiles over the years with each new iteration more outrageous than the last. However, I thought I'd concentrate on the classic sixties version used by Adam West in his tenure as the caped crusader. You all know the one. It was indeed a very unique car probably the most exotic on this list. It was based on a 1955 concept car known as the Lincoln Futura which was never officially launched. Of course, it had a plethora of useful bat tools including a rocket motor, parachute, smoke screen and best of all a 'bat-tering' ram. Apparently the original fifties engine was prone to overheat quite badly and it had a more modern motor fitted to make it useable for filming. Two fibreglass replicas were built but the original metal #1 car is a total one-off and therefore totally irreplaceable. Good luck in adding one of those to your collection Jay.

Fantomas' Citroen DS19

Predictably, as you know, I always look for a way to lever a Citroen DS into my missives but trust me this one's a doozy. Fantomas is an obscure French super villain whose adventures were dramatised in a series of books first published in 1911. This miscreant is a murderer, thief, blackmailer and master of disguise who has, as with most psychopaths, an unquenchable desire to rule or destroy the world. His adventures were made into a series of films in the mid-sixties and his arsenal of madness included a flying Citroen DS19. Yes that's right a flying Citroen which makes quite a change from it being merely broken down. Have a look at this YouTube link and see what you think http://youtu.be/roxqTOAor0I. If you happen to have one of these by the way I'd like to buy it!

James Bond's Aston Martin DB5

I don't think I need say too much more about this iconic car. It's beautiful, deadly and utterly legendary in the pantheon of fantasy cars. Of course, I'd like to own one of these stately British lovelies. Who wouldn't? But having the option of flipping up the top of the gear lever and pressing the little red button, especially when the wife is complaining about my driving, well, I'm not sure I could resist.


Lovely DB5 on display at Gawsworth Classic Car Show May 2015
Michael Knight's Pontiac Trans Am

This car might not be that outrageous looked at through modern eyes. I've already written about my disquiet about the current move towards self-driving cars and K.I.T.T. was an early fictional rendering of this idea. The original highly modified Trans Am was an ultra-high-tech, self-aware automotive companion to crime fighter Michael Knight (David Hasselhoff). The list of capabilities the car offered was probably only limited by the imagination of the writers as they cooked up evermore scenarios in which a car could be made useful in solving crimes. The duller, less entertaining, alternative I suppose would it being parked up outside and participating in the odd car chase looking for a pile of cardboard boxes to drive through. To be fair, the series ran for quite some time and yielded several subsequent TV movies so it was an idea which obviously had some mileage.

Harry Potter's Ford Anglia 105E

Oh I love the Ford Anglia. My granddad got one when he retired in 1975 and used the excuse of taking me for a drive in it to get some respite from my grandma. With its cute little fins and raked rear window it was a great little car. Add it to my list of desired cars please. This one's unique on this list as its the only one to use supernatural powers to do its party pieces; those of flying and invisibility. Apparently J K Rowling had happy memories of trips in an Anglia during her youth so when Harry Potter needed a means other than a broomstick to cover long distances the little Ford was pressed into service. In this regard the Anglia is more akin to Dr Who's Tardis than the more weaponised motors listed above. Still want one though; flying or not.

One of my fantasy cars pictured at Gawsworth Car Show 2015
So there you have it.  There's more I could have added of course: Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, any number of Bond cars, Lady Penelope's Roller or even Mad Max's Ford Falcon. The truth of the matter is they're all just figments of various creative peoples' imaginations and none of them really exist which, when you think about it, is a great pity.