Dutch courage – taking an old car to the continent

In my last blog, I promised an overview of our trip in the newly fettled D to The International Citroën Car Clubs Rally in Holland. As I think I explained, this is an event held every four years to celebrate all things Citroën. This is its 16th iteration. It was last held the UK in 2012 at the International Show Ground in Harrogate and was a fantastic spectacle for lovers of the Citroën brand. 

Les idiots abroad

Our first headache, of course, was whether the D would make it or not? Would some mechanical malady leave us bitter and screaming on the hard shoulder of the M62? Will other drivers have witnessed the spectacle of a man hitting an old Citroën with a branch saying: 'I'm going to give you a damn good thrashing'?

Well, fortunately, our DS made the first leg of the trip successfully and in some style too. So phase one of our journey onto the ferry and then to the show was trouble free. It even made the return journey with ease. Phew!

When we arrived at Middachten we found the event ground was huge, a family estate no less, with several large fields for camping and caravans as well as the attractions on offer. It had to be. Even though it was early on day one it was already awash with cars with many more to come.

We selected a spot and with remarkable efficiency erected the tent just before the rain set in. Unfortunately, that was the main theme of the first day: the incessant rain that started pretty much as soon as we were camped and persisted for the first 24 hours. It put a bit of a damper on initial proceedings but the subsequent sunny days cheered us up and dried us out!

Naturally, there were plenty of Citroën related things to see including: exhibitions, traders, caterers, club stands and a stage for the entertainment that was laid on. There was even a drive in movie theatre where we could enjoy films that feature Citroëns all from the comfort of the DS. A great idea but we didn’t partake in the end

It occurs to me that I should at least offer some exposition as to why we travelled so far and why Citroën is our voiture d'amore. I think I’ve already bored you with loads of technical stuff re Citroën and there are plenty of places on the Internet you can find that sort of thing. Instead, let's talk in a more general way about what makes this car brand so interesting to all the people at the ICCCR.

Don't know what this is!

Few car companies have done so much to innovate, defy convention and challenge the norms of what we consider ‘a car’. One major example that affects most classic and modern car drivers is that Citroën practically invented front wheel drive and used it to great effect on their hugely popular Traction Avant series and every car that followed. Most cars on the road today owe Citroën that innovation.

The brutally utilitarian 2cv helped to mobilise agrarian communities in post-war France but was also a lesson in effective but pared down engineering.

The DS blew the socks of the motoring world when launched in 1955 with more new and unique features than the industry could comprehend. And, of course, it looked like it had fallen from space.

Superb Original DS19

The SM showed that they could couple their hydro pneumatic innovations to a six cylinder Maserati engine to create a futuristic, if quintessentially seventies, GT car. It was also the fastest production car of its era clocking in at 130 mph. Fast even now...

Few automotive manufacturers have consistently delighted, confused, irritated, appalled, beguiled and confounded as Citroën. In fact, the only word that can adequately be used to describe all these features, good and bad, in one go is French! And that's the point. If you can identify with this uniquely Gallic way of thinking then you will enjoy the Citroën life. We can, and that is why we do this. We enjoy the difference and all that comes with it.

Stubby 2CV - vive le difference

As we toured the site we admired the special bodied Chapron DS cabriolets parked near to Middachten Castle and saw a very rare Prestige Model DS used only by Presidents and other high-ranking types. We saw umpteen examples from the whole of the classic Citroën canon including 2CV, Ami, Dyane, Traction Avant, H vans, GS, SM, XM, CX. You name it, every model, and model variant. Even complete one-offs. Don't believe me? How about an amphibious CX? I kid you not! 

Unfortunately, we have also found Carolyn's next choice of desired Citroën. A kit car variant of a 2CV called a Burton. That obviously means future expenditure. Whilst Citroëns may be my favourite cars those are some of my least favourite words.

Future expenditure - money gone for a Burton

Part of our time was spent finding parts for the D as we continue to upgrade it from shed to summerhouse standard. High on our list was some new body panels plus a second hand boot lid to replace the rotten one we have at present. Happily, we acquired most of our needs and haggled reasonable prices for them

So the rest of our time there was about, well, looking at Citroëns, taking about Citroëns, admiring Citroëns, photographing Citroëns, coveting better Citroëns than ours and sneering at those that are worse.

On top of standard models, we also admired many examples of how strange the Citroëniverse can be in terms of modified and project cars. Notable examples included a rare U23 hearse, rally prepared DS and Visa, a bizarre Traction/2CV Hybrid, a stretched deuche and...Well, just have a look at the pictures for examples of this exotica and just the plain weird. And when you say weird in the already off-kilter world of Citroën that means very strange indeed!

The future of motoring? DS from Back to the Future P2

On the last day, we made our way to the castle to see a display of cars grouped by era and driven by people wearing appropriate period costume. This was the cream of the crop Citroën-wise and they looked great as they paraded before the delighted onlookers with Middachten stately home in the background enhancing the scene. I was pleased to see some British-based cars being lauded both for their quality and that the owners had taken the time to come to the ICCCR to share their unique vehicles with fellow enthusiasts.

Superb 'Super Traction'

All too soon, it was time to go; our holiday at the ICCCR had ended. We got into the D had a final drive around the site and then set off for Rotterdam. It was a very easy trip, mainly motorway driving, with a brief stop and a chat with a couple of homeward bound 2CVers we met at the services. 

So what was our verdict? Well, overall it was great. It certainly kept us fully entertained for the time we were there. Some might claim it was under-powered and not as good as the ICCCR in Harrogate 2012. Perhaps that might, partly, be the case but I wouldn't say it was worse. It was just…different.

Whilst there, the venue for the 17th ICCCR was decided.  It will be in the historic city of Torun in Poland (birthplace of Nicklaus Copernicus). If this event is as pleasant as the people who were there to promote it then it will be brilliant. That said, it'll be a challenging trip so we will have to think about whether we want to drive the D that far (if it's capable that is). Perhaps check back here in about four years or so and see what we decide to do....

Change (stop the rot)

So, here we are again.  Another update on the DS’ renovations that I have been documenting for a blog or two hopefully for your enjoyment and empathy. Regular readers will know my French fancy has had a near death experience due to major complications brought on by owner neglect.

It has had protracted lifesaving surgery as diseased bits were cut out and new healthy bits shoved in (those, I believe, are technical terms). In addition, alongside all that, there’s been the mysterious emptying of my wallet, which is the bit that has distressed me the most!

Oh, I nearly forgot. I’ve been using songs as metaphors for the restoration process and wanted to continue.  Unfortunately, I didn’t really know anything that would fit until a Google search found Change (stop the rot) recorded in 1990 by a band called the The Spaceheads.  Although I’m not a fan, I’m still happy to appropriate their song to fulfil the literary whimsy I have decided to pursue. If you have been keeping up with the saga I hope you’ll agree with The Spaceheads - there’s been a lot of changes to the D and a lot of rot stopped!

So now, I’m pleased to say, the D is back home and seems to be in fine fettle, more or less.  I suspect a few adjustments to the new brakes and clutch will be required as they bed in but overall you can feel, and see the difference.  The ride seems more solid, gear changes and pick up now happen without fuss and, best of all, the lights track with the steering meaning I now have one of the remarkable USPs of the late model DS: steering headlights!

Some employees enjoying a proper Citroen

I also had hazard lights fitted which is something Citroen didn’t supply back in the day probably on the assumption that a flimsy reflective triangle was a better solution to alert others of roadside woes. They seem to work well and, interestingly, the flasher unit fitted to achieve this aftermarket upgrade was from a 2CV so hopefully no rejection problems there!

We’ve been stress-testing the changes by doing various trips, both long and short, to see if anything drops off, fails or is just plain irritating and it mostly seems fine.  As I mentioned, it has to transport us to The Netherlands at the beginning of August. So, as you’re reading this, I could be enjoying a lovely cone of frites mayo at the International Citroen Car Club Rally (ICCCR) at the Middachten Estate or sitting in a layby on the M62 muttering something like: ‘bloody piet de merde’.  Time will tell on that one…

One interesting post-renovation excursion we took was to support the Evans Halshall Citroen Stand at the recent Stockport Carnival in Woodbank Park.  We seem to get on quite well with the guys there so are happy to help out (and do a bit of PR for the Woodsmoor Show).  So, we duly turned up in our Citroen fleet and parked them alongside the more modern Citroens and DS’. Whilst it will look great on the promos and tweets for the Citroen team the truth of the matter is the older cars attracted more attention.

The old and the new...

The conceited part of me likes to think this is proof positive that Citroen or DS Automobiles or whatever they’re calling themselves these days should recognise that they were once a much more creative and innovative company. The fripperies and foibles of old Citroens are actually the features that people respond to and enjoy.  As such, a lot more of that kind of thinking might just give them the edge they are looking for in the market. Better than simply re-badging bog-standard cars with the marques of more enigmatic past glories.  Anyway enough of that!

The final stage of the D’s restoration process will happen when we have recovered financially from all that I have described for you.  That will be a full body renovation and a quality respray.  Touch wood, we now have a solid and reliable car which is worthy of such attentions and one we can be genuinely proud of.  So, after Holland, we will no doubt be consumed by the arrangements for a certain car show in the Woodsmoor area that I hope you might visit if you're in the area.

This Corrosion

So I'm back to update you on the extensive works being lavished on our DS, or should I say the most oxidised car since an original Austin Metro turned one year old. I quite liked the allusion to a rust-themed song in my last article so I've done it again with another favourite of mine.  

This time it's a track from the 1987 album Floodland by Gothic rock band The Sisters of Mercy. When Andrew Eldritch, the lead singer, with his distinctive baritone croons: 'Hey now, hey now now, sing this corrosion to me', from now on the only image I'll ever see in my mind's eye is my DS sitting, dismantled and corroded, in the workshop at Graham Morton Vehicle Services in Holmbridge. And there will always be an ominous shiver down my spine as the image fades.

As holy as the Titanic

So where are we? Well, it's not getting any better I'm afraid. Whilst the D is getting the long-overdue attention it needs there is, of course, the ever-mounting sting in the financial tail that I won't embarrass you, or myself, by saying what that's amounting to. Suffice to say, the DS is taking full advantage of this spa-like pampering.  Let us list what treatments she's had thus far:

•    A new clutch assembly. The old one was down to the rivets - we have had our money's worth there!

•    A new accumulator sphere to restore fully its trademark soft ride.

•    Fully functioning water pump. The former was leaking like a proverbial sieve.

•    New front brake and parking pads - done whilst access was available.

•    Replacement bottom hoses, again, prudent to have done in the circumstances.

•    A full set of drive belts the old ones showing plenty of age related trauma.

•    Rebuilt B and C pillars, rear gutters, boot aperture, sills and bumper mounts.

•    A reconditioned front left wing with new directional light pods (left and right).

•    A totally replaced roof rail, the former was totally (and utterly) 'shot'. With holes ‘like those on the Titanic’ it was said.

•    A repainted roof panel with new internal headlining to make it all lovely inside too.

•    A replacement steering wheel/column instead of the sun-damaged, baggy one that we'd lived with for too long.

•    A liberal treatment with rust converter of all the bits that have non-terminal surface corrosion.

•    Finally, to finish it all off, a refreshing, massage treatment to the D's most intimate places with an unctuous coating of the finest Waxoyl.

We're also getting some cosmetic work done on the wiring loom and, if possible, installing a hazard light circuit. It seems a good addition to a car that, even after such extensive works, may still 'fail to proceed' in an inconvenient place for any reason it thinks appropriate.

Phew! When you think a lot of that work is welding and panel reconstruction the car, when complete, should be considerably safer and much more solid.  It makes me shudder to think how poorly the D would have performed in its former state if we'd got into 'trouble'.

Is that what metal looks like? Really? Wow!

Even when all that's done and the car is reconstructed most will wonder where the work has occurred given that on first impressions it won't look much different. All the newly shaped metal will be covered up never to be seen again until the time the D feels the time is right to once more reveal its underparts to the horror of, perhaps, a new owner.

When you think I could have simply had the bodywork fettled and then professionally painted. Although it would look a 'million dollars', lurking underneath the true horrors of an ageing DS would have lain hidden waiting to give many unpleasant problems going forwards. The very issues we're dealing with right now.

I hope all will agree this is the best approach, if eye-wateringly scary. The strategy is to get the D's foundation garments firmly in place before putting on the 'jewellery' later. That way she can be transformed from a lowly Cinders into the belle of the ball with everything just as it should be.

So much new metal - just soooo much...

Some might ask why now? Well, one of the main objectives of getting the work done, apart from the small issue of converting the car from a death trap to something more life enhancing, was that it would (safely) transport us to the International Citroen Car Club Rally (ICCCR) being held in the Middachten Estate in Holland this coming August.

Half-way there..

We went to the 2012 ICCCR in Harrogate and had a great time so we're looking forward to it. Having a robust D to get us there is of high importance to our enjoyment. However, factoring in the costs of getting the car ready, it's one of the most expensive holidays we've ever had. So far, we’re on schedule to meet that goal but will be limiting the amount of spending money we take on our break. Can’t think why!

So, to conclude, we still own a DS, arguably more than we did before it went away to be put right. Alternatively, I should say: we own less corrosion and more metal now. I'll update on the finalised work in the next blog perhaps, and hopefully also about a successful and trouble-free journey to the ICCCR.

Rust Never Sleeps

Neil Young fans will recognise the title of this blog: it's the name of one his many excellent albums. One of my favourites in fact. It's also a line from one of the best songs from the record: My My Hey Hey. I just love the main guitar riff. It sounds like the satisfying growl of an angle grinder noisily chewing it's way through a rusty manhole cover. I thought it an apt way to start to an article in which there is going to be much talk of rust (and possibly angle grinders).

So with that in mind I thought I'd share the emerging story of the potentially financially ruinous decision we made recently. That of finally getting our 1973 DS 20/5 renovated. Those of you who have taken this step with your wear-worn classic will know this can be a process characterised by exhilarating highs and shocking lows.  As I write, I'm in the latter category. When Neil Young sings that 'rust never sleeps' he's bang on the money but the oxidisation you're about to encounter is of the wide-awake, hopped-up-on-super-strength-Red-Bull variety. You have been warned...

Looks good doesn't she (from a distance)

The reputation of the DS as being a rust bucket is well known. Legendary in fact. The build-quality of old school Citroens was far from good. No matter how much innovation the Citroen engineers designed into their cars, it simply did not feed through into the construction and longevity of the final products which is a disappointing paradox. To be fair, I was aware of this when I bought our D eight or so years ago but with its South African heritage I'd hoped this wouldn't be as great an issue. It was a forlorn hope I'm afraid.

You see, like an ageing French Madame, the DS hides it's imperfections very well. Even the most pukka looking D, with good paint and solid mechanicals, can be hiding some eye-opening surprises when she coyly lifts her skirts to reveal the fundaments that lie beneath. When covers are removed, trim detached and seals are pried away the concealed evidence of the advancing years are insouciantly laid bare.  And the D just looks innocently back at you and bats its eyelashes as if to say: 'well what did you expect?'

Voila le corrosion

Therefore, as our D was towed off to Graham Morton Vehicle Services in Holmbridge I knew that a roller coaster ride of emotions, financial calculations and budget-stretching decision-making lay ahead. It would be a constant battle between the penny pinching of the rational head and the pleadings of the emotional heart.

To be fair, I wasn't totally ignorant of our D's issues.  The rotten roof rail needs extensive repair to stop it leaking on my leg on rainy days. The paint on the fibreglass roof is pitted and crazed and the inner headlining has extensive foxing from winter condensation.  The clutch is paper-thin and pressure plate replacement on a DS is a BIG job necessitating removal of the engine. It's also prudent to upgrade brake pads and other hoses when the clutch is changed whilst good access is available. Add to that the flaky door seals and the bases of the a b and c pillars which are all in a bad way and the bill is never going to be modest.

C Pillar and back shelf - C meaning corrosion

That's quite a list I'm sure you'll agree. However, with my eyes fully open, I knew it would inevitably expand a bit.  The plan was to get the car structurally sound - nice and solid underneath - and deal with the bubbling exterior paint in the future once we'd recovered from these necessary foundational expenses. What transpired was a little more than I had hoped for. 

Examine the photos and you can see the rear sections of the car are as 'rotten as a peach' as the saying goes. The C pillars and rear shelf including seat belt mountings are a symphony of oxidisation, holier than the Pope's colander no less. 'The worst I've seen but don't panic' said Graham Morton as brightly as he could. 'Oh' I said, rather less enthusiastically. 

The passenger side wing disintegrated on removal and was declared beyond economic repair. And in a battle between a probing screwdriver and the left-side sill, the latter lost at every thrust. The water pump had signs of leaking coolant around its seals signalling imminent failure and the rear bumper mounts wilted under relatively little pressure.

Bumper Mounting and boot aperture. Suitable only for rust transport

It was a distressing litany of corrosion, mechanical issues, cost and my ever-increasing alarm at how unsound the car actually is. One small issue was a badly melted wire in the core loom due to some previously botched repairs and a weak earth.  It could have easily caused a fire resulting in the total loss of the car.  By this stage, a fire actually seemed the very best option where the evidence of the car's issues would be resolved by the sorry, but infinitely cheaper, spectacle of a blackened car chassis sitting on a roadside somewhere.

So there you have it. A tale of woe and no mistake.  How will this sorry saga resolve? Will the DS20/5 live to fight another day? Has it already been sold cheaply, towed away to be scavenged for parts?  Maybe there will be a follow up blog with better news or merely an obituary for another classic that has finally broken its exasperated owner.  We shall see...

Good Luck From Beijing

As I write this blog, we are a few days into our taste of China tour and we are aboard a Bullet Train travelling from Beijing on our way to Xi'an our second destination.  Given I've not got a great deal to do for the next few hours I thought I'd give my assessment of the cars and driving conditions etc. that we encountered whilst in China's capital. 

Beijing Bullet Train

The fact I'm writing this on a vehicle travelling at 298 km/hour seems apt and entirely juxtaposed to some of the remarkable, if more basic, ways of getting around we've seen. 

Let's talk about the mainstream cars first. Modern Beijing has many good quality cars. Too many in fact which help to create the dense smog and traffic jams the city is known for. Although car ownership is a powerful symbol of success, the harm it's reaping is something they should seriously consider and try to remedy.

Most cars are Asian brands such as Mitsubishi, Kia, Honda and Nissan as you might expect. There are quite a few VWs, Fords and some Buicks too, which is a make we don't see that much in the UK. Most are familiar models but have different names.  A Nissan Micra for example is a 'March' and a VW Passat is a 'Magotan'.

There are some Chinese-made cars with names you can't read or have just a model number. In some cases, you can actually discern the car they've ripped off to make their version.

One exception here is the almost ubiquitous VW Santana used widely as a taxi in the major cities.I wondered what this is called in the west and it turned out there's no equivalent. They are in fact the outcome of a joint initiative between the Chinese government and Volkswagen to develop a VW badged car that is made and used exclusively in China.

When we first arrived and were picked up from Beijing airport our driver joined well-made motorways and roads that were congested but very orderly with discernible rules that everyone seemed to play by. I was therefore optimistic of easy, carefree travel. 

Unfortunately, once you leave the major roads the driving degenerates into something much more free form.  Other vehicles soon join the mix: buses, scooters, electric bikes, bizarre three-wheelers and strange micro-cars. All come together in a beeping, shouting mélange especially at major intersections where everyone, including pedestrians who causally wander into the traffic, all jockey for position. Admittedly, there is a vague respect for traffic lights but I think it's more a courtesy than a hard and fast legal thing. 

Electric Microcar

Let's talk about some of the weirder cars.  The ones you'll see everywhere are like three-wheeled 'filing cabinets'. Very basic vehicles, with unpainted slab-sided aluminium panels and based on a motorcycle drive train. Originally issued as vehicles for the disabled, the owners worked out with some modification they could also work as unofficial local taxis. Apparently, they're illegal but tolerated as they offer disadvantaged people a chance to earn some money. Suffice to say they are also death traps of the most efficient kind.  Utterly unstable, offering no protection in collisions and the only guarantee you get with them is high likelihood of serious injury or death.

Filing Cabinet?

We saw many versions of this conveyance, some more modern than others, but all a throwback to a China when these would have been the equivalent of the eastern European Trabant for example: a cheap to make people's car that doesn't really like people.

They do seem to like trikes here. Maybe the cost savings of no fourth wheel made for better use of state funds.  We have seen many three-wheelers of varying size and configuration: making deliveries, carrying people or doing building and agricultural works all with perfectly acceptable efficiency it appeared.

Bizarre Trike

Many of the smaller vehicles are electrically powered.  Indeed, some of the ubiquitous road users were on electric scooters and trikes.  I suspect this is encouraged because of the prodigious problems Beijing has with smog and, to be fair, they did look like a pretty good way to get around the urban environment.

Unfortunately, none of this is helping.  Beijing is gridlocked on most days, choking in its own emissions and as the country prospers and more cars are introduced it will get worse, much worse.

In fact, if you want to come to Beijing and enjoy the tourism my advice would be to do it soon.  A few years down the line, you'll be lucky to get to the Great Wall from down-town Beijing let alone get to climb up it. If you can see it that is.

Industrial Three-Wheeler

Yet here I am sitting on one of the most advanced and speediest passenger trains on the planet. The ride is smooth, it's running exactly to time and it's going really fast. It's just as good as anything a western economy can produce and much cheaper. This six-hour journey in the first class carriage of a super-advanced train costs just £97.00. Let's get Richard Branson on the phone and see what he's got to say about that.

China really is a land of contrasts and, despite some dubious aspects to their culture, their dodgy vehicles or their ropey driving; I hope you'll think about visiting sometime soon.

You can read more of our adventures in China at: 

http://www.travelpod.com/members/boesabroad

True Romance?

With Valentine's Day in the offing I thought it an appropriate time to wax lyrical on the subject of love. It's a strange and undefinable thing isn't it? It's been mused over by philosophers, artists and scientists since time immemorial. It's that mixture of hormonal and sensory stimuli that marks out those people or possessions in our lives for which we'd do irrational, extraordinary or even stupid things. Actions that would, ordinarily, be totally out of character. How many florid poems have been written, lachrymose songs composed or flattering portraits painted on this most ethereal of themes? Too many to count I'd wager and not all of them good. And around Valentine's Day, even for the staunchly unromantic, love still somehow induces you buy your better half an expensive card and a box of gooey chocolates even if it is because the people at Clinton's Cards have guilt-tripped you into it.

You could argue that the same irrational process applies to the purchase and subsequent care of a classic car.  Think back. Did your induction into classic ownership start with an aching yearn for the car you eventually came to own? Perhaps there were happy memories of prior ownership or of distantly remembered road trips in the long-since rusted away family car. Alternatively, it was possibly a long remembered ride in the company car of a friend or neighbour. A gleaming motor complete with that new-car-smell that you really admired. Maybe it was simply a car you always wanted from a magazine or your favourite TV show, an exciting vehicle that at the time was just out of reach because circumstances or cash prevented you from having it. All are routes to the eventual purchase of that very same machine years later especially when it's been redefined as a 'classic'. In the run up to that moment, when you finally hand over your cash, I'll bet that every time you saw someone driving your desired car the empty feeling of not owning it grew, and the burning desire to one day drive your very own, flared just that little bit hotter. Sounds a lot like love to me.

So, eventually, the happy day arrives and you buy your car, even before the cheque's cleared and the money's gone, the relationship is well underway. And it couldn't be more perfect, a lifelong ambition achieved. Such joy fills your heart made even sweeter as you see others pointing with admiration whilst you smugly drive around in your new classic amore. Just like having a stunning supermodel on your arm as you nonchalantly stroll into your local. Nothing is too much trouble as you regularly polish, preen and vacuum your four-wheeled significant-other ensuring every alluring curve of its exquisite body has felt your loving caress. Oil and fluid levels are minutely checked so that 'she' or 'he' doesn't get thirsty and you top up low readings as if toasting your union with the finest vintage champagne. Pretty soon you'll be splashing your money on expensive unguents, creams and lotions to buff and moisturise every inch of your car's form to an eye-blistering shine. It's never seems too much trouble to nourish leather seats and polish strips of walnut before hanging a small, tree-like air freshener from your rear view mirror just like a pungent vessel of the finest Chanel No 5. It's all just so, well, lovely. You fallen 'big time' in love and everyone, and I mean everyone, will know. By now, if you're really smitten, you may have gone to the trouble of giving your car an affectionate nickname. You've got it bad!

But does love last? Anyone who's ever had a broken heart will disagree. Lost or unrequited love is part of life's rich pageant isn't it? We love, then lose, maybe quite a few times, until we find 'The One'. Perhaps it's a little different with classic car ownership where several long-term relationships, interspersed with a cheeky one night stand or two, doesn't quite work. If you've chosen well, your car should offer a less mercurial relationship history. But that happy union will also undoubtedly confirm the veracity of the term: 'for richer or poorer' which might have been specially written for this very situation.  As we all know our cars, as time passes, will test the partnership; sometimes to breaking point. There's a significant strain on our emotions that can be caused by a petulant classic that does all it can to show its ingratitude for your attention mainly by presenting you with a succession of large bills, restoration costs, breakdowns and lumpy running. It will refuse to start when that's all what you really want. Bits will fall off - expensive bits - just when funds have hit an all-time low. To paraphrase the Bard: love's labours are often lost and he didn't know what a car was!

Sadly as we all know there's many an automotive romance that has foundered on the sharp coastal rocks of money, divorce, or expanding families. In many cases it'll be just plain old exasperation when the finalist of final straws has broken, emotionally and/or financially, the back of the once-smitten owner. Pretty soon it's agreed the pairing can no longer continue at least with both parties remaining happy and functional. I for one have been 'there' but as I write I'm still in the game - just!

The lesson we might draw here is, like our closest human relationships, that we have to choose carefully (or at least knowingly), accept the foibles and proclivities of our partners (and classics) and keep a sense of perspective and humour. If you can do that then there's no reason why your classic car romance can't last a good long time. In sickness and in health as it were. So whether it's with a tired but legal rolling resto' or a showroom quality beauty love can endure as I’m sure many of you will testify. I'll conclude by saying whatever you're planning to celebrate Valentine's Day, I hope it's as magical and lovey-dovey as you'd like it to be and obviously includes spending some romantic time with your life partner be that a person or, dare I say, your car?

Horror Film Cars

Happy 2016 everyone. Hope you had a great Christmas and New Year. So here we go another   Yuletide over and done with and there's only 300-odd shopping days till we do it all again. Something to look forward to. Now there's some who might say this particular article might have been better included as an October '15 posting on this meandering blog; a bit nearer to Halloween than a depressing January after Christmas and I wouldn't disagree.  Unfortunately, I hadn't actually thought of it then but I did, briefly, consider the option of reserving this piece till later in the year but given that there’s an inherent horror in the post-Christmas miasma of having to go back to work and all that sort of thing this blog, to my mind at least, seemed appropriate.

Those who know me are never surprised to learn I've always been a horror film fan, ever since I was a pale, etiolated youngster. Don't know why but there you go. In my long-evaporated youth I used to love watching the horror double bills that were shown Saturday nights on BBC2 in the mid-seventies. I'd stay up, usually on my own, and watch the old Universal and RKO black and whites starring the now legendary Bela Lugosi, Boris Karloff and Lon Chaney Jr. They'd usually be followed by a classic Hammer or Amicus film with such luminaries as Peter Cushing or the late, great Christopher Lee. And, as a pimply teenager, if there was a film in which I might get a glimpse of Ingrid Pitt's décolletage then wild horses couldn't drag me to bed. No wonder I was always knackered as a kid!

Relevant to our concerns here are those horror films where a car (or cars) take centre stage and play a significant part in the resulting mayhem. So why not hide beneath the duvet, pretend there's really nothing horrendous under your bed and try some of these motoring monsters - if your nerves can stand it that is.

Christine (1983)

This film, based on a Stephen King novel, has a 1958 Plymouth Fury called Christine as its eponymous anti-heroine. A vengeful lady-car no less who gets into an unhealthy relationship with nerdy owner Arnold who has lovingly restored her.  Pretty soon Christine goes on a killing spree of all those who have slighted Arnold or of whom she is jealous for his attention. She has a pretty neat trick of being able to regenerate herself after her murderous adventures so even when she’s been badly damaged in a smash, burned or vandalised she’s pretty soon in tip-top condition. Wish my car was capable of that it’d save a fortune in garage fees! In actual fact, the film used up to 20 cars (not all of them a Fury) to create the pre and post regeneration effects destroying quite a few in the process. Today only two of the film cars survive so the director John Carpenter has a lot to answer for in deliberately depriving the world of some pretty rare cars. Now that is horrific.

Death Race 2000 (1975)

Now if you’ve ever been in a car and the driver points to a woman with a pram or an esteemed senior citizen crossing the road and says something like: ’10 points’, they’re referencing, whether they know it or not, this film. Set in a dystopian future it features a pseudo-political, transcontinental car race used to subdue and entertain the repressed populous. The aim of the race is to gain points by seeing off opponents and also unwitting citizens going about their lives for whom a point value is awarded should they be successfully dispatched. Cars used include a Chevrolet Corvette, a Karmann Ghia and a Fiat 850 Spider all tricked out with imaginative and deadly weaponry. There’s a sub-plot of political resistance and an attempt to overthrow the state but most who watch just want to see vehicular mayhem being played out with as much death and destruction as possible. Or is that just me?

Mad Max (1979)

There’s an ongoing and intense rivalry between Australian Petrol Heads about which particular car tribe you should belong to.  Some are dyed-in-the-wool GM devotees and others ‘Ford blokes’.  What they do have in common is far from these being Astras and Fiestas these cars are usually supercharged beasts based on beefier US platforms than the more efficient cars we in the UK buy from these manufacturers. It can be safely assumed that director George Miller is firmly in the Ford camp given that virtually all the primary cars used are super-charged Ford Falcons (known as a Crown Victoria in the US and used extensively as police pursuit vehicles). Max (Mel Gibson) is a policeman in yet another dystopian future looking for revenge against the marauding gang who killed his family. There are some fantastic chase scenes in the film and the V8 Falcons are used to great effect with some nerdy detail of the interceptor cogs being engaged when Max decides to drive his motor flat out. The end sequence where Max exacts his revenge is now a classic in film history. What does seem to be a theme though is when the world finally does descend into anarchy a super-fast car would be a useful thing to have. Hmmm might need to trade up…

The Abominable Dr. Phibes (1971)

Probably one of my favourite Horror films.  It has equal amounts of humour, horror and inventiveness making it a perfectly blended shocker. The horribly disfigured Dr. Phibes - portrayed by the brilliant Vincent Price – exacts retribution onto a surgical team for failing to save his wife’s life by killing each in a highly creative style based on the plagues of Egypt. He travels between these engagements in an Hispano Suiza H6 limousine.  This Franco-Spanish car (and aircraft) company made a range of high-quality luxury cars in the same class as Rolls Royce and Bugatti all with their distinctive stork mascot adorning the hood. Due to changes in ownership they reverted to aircraft and military production in 1937 and no further cars were made. During that time some of their technology was licensed by Rolls Royce such was the innovation and quality of their designs. Suffice to say Phibes’ distinguished and rare Hispano Suiza serves him well as he completes his revenge and it ultimately transports him to one of the most shocking and disquieting denouements of any horror film.

It’s interesting isn’t it?  Many horror films have cars but they remain mostly unsung parts of the plot. But let’s put it this way: those teenage victims of the serial killer rarely walk to the spooky cabin in the middle of the woods where their fate will be sealed. No, most of the time they’ll have driven there making the car entirely complicit in their doom. Likewise, the vehicle that fails to start as the monster bears down on the hapless victim is ongoing proof that the car has been responsible for seeing off more than a few screaming, nubile girls and thick-necked college jocks. So think on this: Next time you experience the horror of turning the key on your classic to no response, remember, it could be a whole lot worse!