It occurs to me of late that Citroen is basically French for lemon
which means in effect the classic I drive is car trade parlance for a dodgy
motor. That got me thinking. Is this the only lemon I’ve ever owned? I’m afraid not, far from it in fact. Try this: get a
piece of paper and write down the make and model of every car you’ve ever owned. For some that might be quite a list but do
your best and hopefully you’ll
get them all. Now review your work. Ask yourself, if I were to show this list to
a friend, to which cars would they say ‘wow!’ and over which would they
exclaim ‘whoaa’? By way of a confessional mine’s
an indifferent list from start to finish with nothing too exotic or expensive
on it and in compiling it confirmed my early car purchases were, without exception, based on cost, practicality and extreme need i.e. I required a car
urgently! As such, I cared little for looks, reputation, or street cred’ if it
was cheap to insure and didn’t require too much fettling I
was happy with it.
When I share what these
vehicles were you'll find there’s
more than a few 'clunkers' that will almost
certainly make you go ‘urrrgh’ I suspect. In fact,
reviewing the list and looking up how the cars are now perceived, it seems I had a
spectacularly bad taste in transport. I
will reveal a few of these monstrosities momentarily but I have to say despite
what’s
been written about some of them, my memories are quite different and my ability to source a car that was
mainly reliable, did the job of getting me from A to B, could actually pass an
MOT (more than once) and didn’t
cost the earth to maintain was, on the whole, quite good. And, when my cars did need some
mechanical work doing, in many cases I could it myself mainly because my chosen motors were
so rudimentary. So now it’s time to hold your breath,
clench your buttocks and prepare yourself for the list. Here goes…
Morris Ital 1.3 (T Reg): Oooh what a start! It’s been voted the second worst car ever made by
some polls (after the Austin Allegro).
Out-dated when it was launched and based on ancient platforms including
the Morris Minor this was a sheep in a more rubbish sheep’s clothing. It was in effect a Morris Marina pimped up by
sticking bits of plastic to it in an attempt to give it an Italian style make
over. It fooled nobody and didn’t last long either
commercially or physically as they rusted faster than Usain Bolt running over
hot coals. Paradoxically, given that most quickly became oxidised cubes of
scrap, they are now quite rare as classic cars go. Having said all that, I quite liked
my denim
blue Ital. It cost about £200 and had twelve
month’s
ticket. Although I didn’t
yet have any frame of reference on the ‘bad car’ scale I found it was
largely reliable, great fun to chuck around (as it was rear-wheel drive), was roomy and if you
didn’t
look to closely, not a bad looking motor.
I actually did a lot of untutored work on this car,
referencing a Haynes manual and buying parts from scrap
yards I found fitting them myself was both satisfying and great fun. Of course,
when the rust bug really got a hold it was time to move on and I swapped it for
a…
Datsun Cherry 1.3 Pulsar (W Reg): Arrgh, not a classic Datsun, great engine but
terrible bodywork? Correct, and this one, in rust
flecked crimson, was a total shed which lasted about 6 months until the MOT ran
out and with no prospect of a cheap pass it had to go. But, after a few months
on the bus, I desperately needed a car again so decided to get a…
Datsun Cherry 1.3 Pulsar (X Reg): Arrgh, yet another classic Datsun, great
engine but terrible bodywork? Correct
you read it right. I was so taken with my first one I got another. Better basic quality it’s true but exactly the same
sleek looking car, in rust flecked crimson, but this time with a radio! And it
served me well. OK, it had a bit of duct
tape on the roof covering a hole where the metal was very badly oxidised. And yes, it has weird splodges of rust in
random places which no-one could explain why that had happened but, overall, l thought
this car was great. It could run on
unleaded petrol which was cheaper than the still available leaded fuel. It went
pretty fast too and as a hatchback was pretty handy for the many home moves I
made at the time. It was only a year or
so after this was made that Datsun became Nissan and we all know that went
pretty well. I like to think of myself
as prescient in this regard; recognising quality car manufacturers by buying
their early rubbish cars – it’s a talent I’m sure you’ll agree. Eventually, after a
couple of years of pretty hard service the Datsun was still going strong and,
remarkably, still had some value when I sold it in favour of a…
Opel Kadett D 1.2 (Y Reg): Basically a Vauxhall Astra but badged with the Opel lightning flash
emblem so it was a weird
Anglo-German hybrid? This lurid green example wasn’t even a three-door
hatchback having instead a boot which I think was relatively rare. Let’s overlook the fact
that it almost immediately needed a new clutch or that in the wet it was
spectacularly difficult to start. I soon got used to it more or less. It was,
however, the car that gave me the most stressful breakdown I ever had. One wet
morning after a lumpy start it decided to give up the ghost, in driving rain, during the rush hour,
right in the middle of the Parrs Wood intersection with the A34 with no
prospect of moving anytime soon. Fully
suited and booted I had to physically push/steer it to the safest spot I could
find amidst the tooting cars and impatient drivers I was blocking (none of whom
offered to help). It lived to fight another day but eventually the persistent
oil leak and ever-more reluctance to start meant I decided to send it to the
great scrap yard in the sky and in the process doomed myself to a yet another year on the
bus. Until I saved up and got a…
Ford Fiesta 1.0 Mk 2 (B reg):
I shouldn’t include this one really given that
it’s
actually the best car I ever owned and gave me no problems whatsoever. It was
nippy, practical, reliable and cheap to maintain I still miss it in fact. Even though
I moved up to BMWs thereafter it remains to me the zenith of great motoring
where simplicity, good design and no nonsense engineering offer the driver
everything they could possibly need in a small but perfectly formed package.
So that’s
it. My subsequent Beamers have been fine
and of course I now own a classic but paradoxically, now that I regularly
service my cars (and have up to date MOTs) I find better quality cars mean more
expensive parts and higher insurance premiums.
I would say, therefore, my cars cost me much more now than these early
lemons yet do basically the same job. That’s food for thought that is. Lemonade anyone?
First published H&H CVC Magazine 2012. Copyright Anthony Boe 2014 All Rights Reserved
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