The End Of The Road

In my last couple of blogs I've been musing about both the past and the future. I've pondered on how accidents of history have shaped some aspects of our classic car world, about unsung commercial vehicles and how modernity is inexorably eating away at our collective passion where even the very act of driving may become as antediluvian as an eight track car stereo.  I must be at that pivotal stage of my life where I have approximately equal amounts of both past and future which may be disquieting me a little. Symptomatic of this is that nostalgia is no longer as comforting or entertaining as it used to be. The memories are getting just a little too far away now.

But I try not to let dark thoughts distract me (most of the time). To do such a thing would be futile but it can't be denied that someday hopefully in the distant future we won't be here anymore. And soon after that we'll probably be taking our very last 'car' ride in a unique type of vehicle known as a hearse. 

Now here's a question for you. What type of vehicle is this? Is it a commercial vehicle? A long estate car? Public transport? A taxi for the existentially challenged? Or is it something in its own right? Probably the latter. What I do know is that when you join the end of a queue of slowly moving traffic you soon stop raging and swearing under your breath when you find it’s a funeral cortège as opposed to a milk float, a learner driver or simply somebody who thinks doing 25mph is their civic duty. Respect in these cases is still, and always should be, due.

No one would disagree that these cars should, by their nature, be stately, discrete and in some way classic after all they are one of the final tributes to a person whose lifetime voyage has ended. We all deserve to have our final journey in a vehicle of quality, distinction and taste. Classic hearses craving our admiration are coach-built Daimlers, Jaguars, Mercedes, top-end Rovers or even Rolls Royces. And yes, if you're asking, Citroen did a very nice DS version as well. All were top of the range cars carefully adapted for their solemn purpose with dignified veneered woods, fussy chrome 'thingies' on the roof, glossy black coachwork and discrete landau bars. Proper classy. But have you seen a modern hearse recently? What absolute mingers many now are! A good number I see are based on bog standard Fords and even Japanese marques. 

Worse still, they have an unpleasant hydrocephalic look about them, all top-heavy and distended with far, far too much glass. Like some kind of grim mobile greenhouse. Reliable they may be but I'd have to confirm if you said I'd be on my way to the grave in one of these indifferent horrors I'd reply: 'over my dead body'.

As with many things in life there's potentially a commercial angle here for the budding entrepreneurs amongst you. I would suspect, like wedding and prom cars, there's a good business to be made from saving older hearses, restoring them to muster and hiring them to those who want to go out in real style and not in an ugly, unnecessarily-practical, modern version. The enterprising and mechanically talented of you might see the possibilities.

But hey, if you're reading this and feeling a little blue, don't be depressed you're not dead yet, so smile and enjoy your life. Perhaps in this spirit reflect on the idea that instead of being considered something of the shadows we should acknowledge that hearses do as important a job as any other vehicle and always in difficult circumstances. What's more, many older versions are interesting, well-built conveyances as much deserving of our admiration as any other classic you can think of. It's a pity we don't see more of them on the showing circuit. I'd certainly stop to admire one.

Classic Mercedes hearse being used by an antique business - Berlin March 2015

Interestingly, I've already done several journeys in a classic hearse and not, as you might think, because I was an undertaker or the like. No! You see, in my fast-departing youth I was a 'Goth'. I wore lots of black clothes, had long straggly hair and was pale as a vampire (and proud of it). I listened to noisy, dark bands that rarely graced Top of the Pops. 

As a sub-culture, Goths liked the stygian imagery of Transylvanian castles, misty graveyards and thunder-clapped skies. One of the Goth's most desired accessories, should they have been able to afford it, would have been a classic hearse to cruise around in. And I had a mate who actually bought one; a regal five-litre Daimler. Worse for wear but roadworthy. We had a day out in it once or twice: two ghostly young men laughing and barging around in a massive funerary vehicle visiting not a chapel or a funeral home but parks, supermarkets and pubs. 

The looks we got ranged from amused, bemused, confused to the outright horrified. But you know, in spite of what we were driving, what we had a great time - enjoying our lives - and so should you...

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